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CHAPTER

16

Finding Happiness
and Enhancing Your
Personal Life
Learning Objectives
After studying the information and doing the exercises in this
chapter, you should be able to:
◆

Explain how happiness is contingent on keeping the various
spheres of life in balance

◆

Specify factors that contribute to personal happiness

◆

Describe a plan for meeting a romantic partner

◆

Explain how partners can meet the challenge of being a twoincome couple

◆

Choose among techniques for keeping a relationship of yours
vibrant

474 CH
...
45 per day, not to mention 100 “real dates” that lasted at least the length of a cup of coffee
...
” In fact, if he had
his druthers, those minidates would last a
minute, just enough time to gauge someone’s personality and whether “they have
bad breath
...
”
They’ve made it past date number 10
...
”1
Some people would criticize Steve Lee
for being too planned and business-like in
his approach to finding romance
...
A meaningful romantic relationship
is so important for a person’s well-being
that finding such a relationship merits extensive effort and attention
...


▲ ACHIEVING HAPPINESS
When asked what is the most important thing in life, most people respond,
“Happiness
...
Planning for happiness is possible because it appears to be somewhat under people’s control
...
David T
...
Given that happier people
were more likely to survive, the survivors tend to be a happy breed
...


ACHIEVING HAPPINESS 475

THE SPHERES OF LIFE AND HAPPINESS
A practical way of understanding happiness is that it is a by-product of
having the various components of life working in harmony and synchrony
...
As long as all gears are moving properly (and no teeth are broken), a state of equilibrium and fluid motion is achieved
...
The exact components will differ
among people
...
Work and career
2
...
Physical and mental health
4
...
Interests and pastimes, including reading, surfing the Internet,
and sports
6
...
However, when a deficiency occurs in any of these six
factors, the person’s spheres are no longer in harmony, and dissatisfaction
or unhappiness occurs
...
For the long range, a state of happiness is dependent on
all six spheres working in harmony
...
Figure 16-1 presents the spheres-of-life model of happiness
...
A person with intense career ambitions, for example, might place less
weight on the interests sphere than would a more leisure-oriented person
...
Another source of variation is that the importance people attach to each sphere may vary according to the stage of life
...
However, after about 10 years of full-time career experience,
a person’s expenses might peak
...


THE KEYS TO HAPPINESS
Much research has been conducted about the ingredients of happiness
...
The spheres-of-life model of happiness also furnishes

476 CH
...
Here we summarize and synthesize a wide
range of research and opinion on the keys to happiness
...
Give high priority to the pursuit of happiness
...
A key principle is to discover what makes you happy and make the time to pursue
those activities
...

2
...
A happy person is one who is successful in personal relationships and who exchanges
care and concern with loved ones
...
Hugging people you like or being hugged by them is an important
part of having enjoyable personal relationships
...
According to the Men’s Health Network, married men take fewer
health risks, eat better, and are involved in more health-enhancing behaviors
...
4 (Good health and high income make some contribution to happiness
...
It takes a satisfying marriage to bring happiness,
and unmarried partners who have a long-term, caring relationship are also
likely to be happy
...
Develop a sense of self-esteem
...
High self-esteem enables one to love and be loved
...
A
feeling of self-worth is important because it helps prevent being overwhelmed by criticism
...
Insecure people seek
society’s approval in the form of purchasing consumer goods and accumulating investments
...
Work hard at what you enjoy and achieve the flow experience
...
To achieve happiness, it is necessary to
find a career that fits your most intense interests
...

Happiness stemming from flow is powerful because it is not dependent on
favorable external circumstances, such as recognition or love
...
Hard work contributes to
happiness in another important way
...
Lyken, the
happiness researcher mentioned above, argues that happiness is available
to anyone who develops skills, interests, and goals that he or she finds
meaningful and enjoyable
...

5
...
Another key to happiness is
the ability to live in the present without undue worrying about the future or
dwelling on past mistakes
...
The
essence of being a happy person is to savor what you have right now
...
Be fair, kind, helpful, and trusting of others
...
It is also important to practice charity and
forgiveness
...
Knowing that you
are able to make a contribution to the welfare of others gives you a continuing sense of satisfaction and happiness
...
Happy people have open, warm, and friendly
attitudes
...
Have recreational fun in your life
...
When you create time for fun (in addition to the
fun in many kinds of work), you add an important element to your personal
happiness
...
In choosing fun activities, avoid overplanning
...

8
...
To be
happy, you must learn how to face problems that occur in life without being
overwhelmed or running away
...

Once you have had to cope with problems, you will be more able to appreciate the day-to-day joys of life
...
Live with what you cannot change
...
16 FINDING HAPPINESS AND ENHANCING YOUR PERSONAL LIFE
sets us up for feeling depressed about failing
...
Nineteen out of 20 people gain the weight they lost
...
Good condition contributes much more to health than does achieving a weight standard set
primarily to achieve an aesthetic standard
...

10
...
Engage in regular
physical activity, such as dancing or sports, that makes you aerobically fit
...

11
...
Based on a survey of over
6,000 individuals, Steven Reiss concluded that people cannot find lasting
happiness by aiming to have more fun or seeking pleasure
...

To increase your value-based happiness, you have to first identify your most
important desires and then gear you life toward satisfying these values
...
7 For example, if power and romance are two of your
basic values, you can achieve happiness only if your life is amply provided
with power and romance
...
8
12
...
Most of the 11 principles just stated, as
well as the spheres-of-life happiness model, all point toward the conclusion
that having a meaningful life is a major contributor to happiness
...
Seligman says that the ultimate
level of happiness is the meaningful life
...
9 For example, if you are a greeting card designer and
you perceive that you are contributing to improved personal relationships,
you are likely to be happy
...
10
These principles act as guides toward achieving a feeling of inner happiness
...
Feelings come about only after you thought about something or somebody
...
People who learn to direct their thinking in positive directions
will contribute to their own happiness
...

The second principle is moods, meaning that the positive or negative content of your thinking fluctuates from moment to moment and day to day
...
Developing this skill will contribute substantially to healthy psychological functioning
...
Because each person thinks in a unique way,
everyone lives in a separate psychological reality
...
As a result, you will be happier
...
At the same time, others will like you more, thus contributing to your
happiness
...
Combined
with emotions, feelings are a built-in feedback mechanism that tells us how
we are doing psychologically
...
It is then time to make a mental
readjustment
...
As a consequence, you will experience contentment and happiness
...

The fifth principle is the present moment
...
Much like the flow experience, the present moment is where people find happiness and inner
peace
...
”11(This supports happiness key number 5
...

It is designed to bring about a state of happiness
...

1
...
Begin each day with five minutes of positive thought
and visualization
...
When and how do you plan to fit
this into your schedule?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
(Continued)

2
...
Examples would include patience,
compassion, and helping the less fortunate
...
Each week, for the next five weeks, incorporate a different virtue into your life
...
” Post the card in a prominent place
...
Also record the date and time
...
Look for good things about new acquaintances
...
List three positive qualities about each
...
List the positive qualities of fellow students or coworkers you dislike or have
trouble working with
...

________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
6
...
Identify the benefits they bring you
...
Look at problems as opportunities
...
1–2
...
”
Some of the people expressing these attitudes are systematic when it
comes to handling business or technology problems
...
But when it comes to their
social lives, they rely heavily on fate or chance
...
Whatever the problem, try to attack it in a
logical, step-by-step manner
...
We are not ruling out the influence of emotion and feeling in personal life
...
With good fortune you might form a relationship with a
stranger you meet at a rapid-oil-change-and-lubrication center
...

Too many people leave finding a new relationship to chance or to a few
relatively ineffective alternatives
...
” In reality, both men and women can
find dates in dozens of constructive ways
...
See Exhibit 16-1 for more details
...
A subtle method of making contact is through flirting, described by etiquette consultant Letitia Baldrige as being understated, subtle, witty, teasing, and sophisticated
...
13 Being charismatic helps substantially in flirting because charismatic people are charming and feel so comfortable complimenting others
...
You might flirt with a photographer by saying, “I would be very
interested in seeing a few of your favorite photos
...
” What have you found to be an effective method of flirting?
Body language is another key part of flirting
...
14
A key principle of finding romantic companionship is to be realistic in
terms of the type of person you are likely to attract—one who will be interested in you
...
For example, a person in poor physical shape who smokes

482 CH
...
In order to find one
good relationship, you may need to date more than a dozen people
...

Highly Recommended
1
...
For example, if you are a
good racquetball player, use racquetball playing as a vehicle for meeting people
...
Get involved in your work, studies, or another activity not logically related to
dating
...

Besides, the workplace has now become the number one, natural meeting place
for singles
...

3
...

4
...

5
...
A good example is to become a political party worker
...
For men who like older women, go on a singles cruise
...

7
...
The membership of these units
is overwhelmingly male
...
Take advantage of every social invitation to a party, picnic, breakfast, or brunch
...

9
...
Finding romance through an online dating service is
growing rapidly in popularity and is much more in vogue than print ads
...
12
Internet dating services have so many members that it is often possible to restrict
your choices to the geographic area you desire
...
Most Internet dating services encourage members to post
photographs
...
Some members of online dating
services have been know to post photos of people other than themselves
...
Participate in Internet chat rooms (cyberdating)
...
Chat rooms can be selected according
to interests, including movie fans, gays and lesbians, and astrology believers
...
Many of the people you meet might live in a
faraway location
...

11
...
Personal ads have
achieved such popularity that several national magazines now accept them
...
(You leave a voice
message for the person who placed the ad
...
Furthermore, some
personal ads are strictly phone based, and no print ad appears
...
Be creative when composing an
ad so that it stands out from others
...
Join special-promotion singles groups, such as indoor tennis for singles or a
singles ski weekend
...
Singles groups outside of religious institutions are also
worth exploring
...
While networking for career purposes, also prospect for social companions
...
Join an introduction (dating) service, particularly one that has an established
membership
...
Speed dating is a new trend in introduction services
...
The café is filled with tables for two, and each table is numbered
...
After the interviews, each member lists the people he
or she would like to pursue
...

3
...
M
...
M
...
Some women claim
that you are the most likely to find an unattached male in the frozen food
department around 6:30 P
...
because they are planning their evening meal
...
Strike up a conversation while waiting in line for tickets at the movies, concerts,
or athletic events
...
Congregate or float around in large gatherings, such as rallies for causes,
registration for courses, or orientation programs
...
Organize a singles party and require each person invited to bring along an
unattached person of the opposite sex—no regular couples allowed
...
Find valid reasons for visiting other departments at your place of work
...


484 CH
...


heavily and does not participate in sports will have difficulty attracting
an Olympic athlete
...

An important consideration in searching for a relationship is to recognize when you experiencing quest fatigue
...
15 When quest fatigue sets in, give yourself some time off
from the search
...


▲ WHY PEOPLE ARE ATTRACTED
TO ONE ANOTHER
As part of enriching social life, it is helpful to understand why people
are attracted to each other
...
Three different psychological explanations of why people develop a strong attraction to each
other are balance theory, exchange theory, and the need for intimacy
...
All four
of these explanations, to be described next, can apply in a given situation
...
If we are very similar to another person, it makes sense

WHY PEOPLE ARE ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHER 485

(it is consistent or balanced) to like that person
...
It is usually reassuring and rewarding to discover that another person agrees with you or
has similar values
...

People sometimes get along best with those who possess complementary
characteristics
...
The explanation is that a dominant person needs
someone to dominate and therefore might be favorably disposed toward
submissive people
...
This research shows that people measure their social, physical,
and other assets against a potential partner’s
...

Exchange theory has been able to predict the permanence of a relationship based on the way each partner feels he or she stacks up against the
other
...
In comparison, those who believed they gave more
than they got were angry
...
It included such things as being
more physically attractive than the partner, kinder, or more flexible
...
One explanation of these findings is that the feeling of being taken advantage of corrodes a relationship
...
17

NEED FOR INTIMACY
For some, the balance and exchange theories of mutual attraction are
too mechanical and logical
...
People who believe that they are in love have a strong
need for intimacy
...
Their stories reveal a preoccupation with harmony, responsibility, and
commitment and a preference for a relationship that includes warmth and
intimacy
...

The same stories are told by people in situations where love feelings run
high, such as just having seen a romantic movie
...
16 FINDING HAPPINESS AND ENHANCING YOUR PERSONAL LIFE
The concept of love is part of the need for intimacy as well as a key part
of understanding personal relationships
...
Harry Stack Sullivan, the famous psychiatrist, developed a particularly useful description of love, as follows:
When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love
exists
...


A BIOCHEMICAL EXPLANATION OF ATTRACTIVENESS
Another explanation of why certain people are attracted to one another
is based on chemicals and specifically hormones
...
After the initial
biochemical attraction, our conscious, psychological preferences, (e
...
, Does
he enjoy action movies and golfing?) come into play
...
While the biochemical factors are at work, the brain is processing the external clues people use to measure sex appeal
...
19
A more specific explanation of attraction between people is based on the
presence of pheromones
...
A person who emits high doses of pheromones will therefore attract
more partners
...

The pheromone theory is particularly geared toward explaining why
one person is strongly attracted to another person on first sight
...
g
...
Several companies sell cologne for
men and perfume for women that allegedly contains pheromones, thus
making it easier to attract Prince or Princess Charming and also to be noted
by others
...
Buyer beware
...
A principal problem in many poor relationships is that
the couple used faulty judgment in choosing each other
...
Your needs at the time may
cloud your judgment
...
Being on the rebound from a relationship that went bad
makes you particularly vulnerable
...
Do you marry for
love, companionship, infatuation, or all three? It has been pointed out that
the success rate of the arranged marriages still practiced in a few countries
is about as good as that of nonarranged marriages
...

An in-depth study of 300 happy marriages provides a practical clue
about mate selection
...
20 If you view your partner as your best friend and like him or
her “as a person,” you will probably be happy together
...
Some people deviate from this guideline by placing too much emphasis on infatuation
...
Research supports the wisdom of this approach
...
McDonald and Michael Ross studied 74 college students who had been
dating approximately six months
...
The researchers also asked the couples’ roommates and parents the same questions
...
The couples
themselves were much more optimistic about the prospects for the relationship
...
The roommates, however, made the most accurate
predictions
...
Put all
your creative resources into making a sound decision
...
Without conflict, relationships would be artificial
...

These rules supplement the techniques for conflict resolution presented in
Chapter 9
...
Listen carefully and give feedback
...
After listening to your partner’s point of view, express
your feelings about the issue
...
It is preferable to say “I feel

488 CH
...
Look at the way you visit your mother all the time
...
Although you
may disagree with your partner, communicate your understanding: “From
your point of view, it’s frivolous of me to spend so much money on bowling
...
”
2
...
A 10-year study of arguments between partners in relationships,
involving hundreds of couples, supported several basic ideas about good human relations
...
At the top of the corrosive list are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (withdrawing from a discussion)
...
One way to
be positive is to use humor to ease the tension in an argument
...
22 To illustrate, Jennifer might
be upset that her husband Larry spent most of his time at an office party
they attended together talking to other women
...
”
3
...
What your partner or you grumble about
at first may not be the real issue in the conflict
...
A man might be verbally attacking a woman’s dress when he
really means that she has gained more weight than he would like
...

4
...
The expression “below the belt” refers to
something that is unfair
...
When you are intimate with another person, you are bound
to know one or two vulnerable areas
...
What other woman would have married a
man who was so much of a loser that he had to declare bankruptcy?”
“Don’t complain so much about being abused verbally
...
”
Is anyone really as cruel as the preceding quotes would suggest? Yes, in
the heat of a tiff between partners, many cruel, harsh things are said
...
Another problem is that these comments reflect
negative rather than positive behaviors
...
Be prepared to compromise
...
The compromise you reach should represent a willingness to meet the
other person halfway, not just a temporary concession
...
Among such issues that cannot be split
down the middle are whether to have children, whether to live in an apartment or a house, whether to go to Miami or London for a vacation, or
whether to run a kosher or nonkosher household
...

6
...
You lessen the accusatory tone when
you make “I” statements instead of “you” statements
...
”
You shut off dialogue when you say, “You don’t care about my happiness
...
”
7
...
At times a
couple may be so emotionally charged that resolving conflicts face to face is
not possible
...
According to Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobsen,
the written message can help the couple avoid raising their voices and escalating the conflict
...
For instance,
“You are ticked off at me because I think your family is intolerant of people
who are not like themselves
...

8
...
A practical, although controversial, approach to dealing with relationship conflict is to surrender to the
wishes of your partner from time to time
...
The idea is not to lose your self-respect but to minimize conflict over
issues that are not terribly important
...
” The husband would prefer
a sky blue kitchen, but he thinks to himself, “If I disagree on the kitchen
color, this will be the fourth time I’ve disagreed with one of Jennifer’s suggestions this week
...
” Or take this
scenario: The wife objects to attending a hockey game instead of going
dancing
...
I’ve already nagged John
enough this week
...

However, by submitting to a small demand today, you help establish a climate in which your small demands may be met the next time a disagreement surfaces
...
S
...
Two critical factors influencing this steady growth are women’s

490 CH
...

It is a challenge to run a two-income household in a way that will enhance the couple’s personal life
...
Following are suggestions that couples themselves can implement to increase the chances of a two-income household running more
smoothly
...
Establish priorities and manage time carefully
...
Each partner must establish priorities, such as ranking quality time
together ahead of adding a community activity to the schedule
...
Another aspect of priority setting and time management is to schedule time for
romance
...
As a consequence, joyful time together diminishes rapidly
...
Deal with feelings of competitiveness
...
Competitive feelings are all the more likely to
surface when both parties are engaged in approximately the same kind of
work
...
They had both entered the same big company at the
same time in almost identical jobs
...

The familiar remedy of discussing problems before they get out of hand
is offered again here
...
It makes me feel somewhat left out and unimportant
...
But don’t take all
this fuss too seriously
...
Besides, two months from now maybe people will be making a fuss over you for
something
...
Share big decisions equally
...
Under such an
arrangement, neither has exclusive decision-making prerogatives in any
particular area
...
She may
make the decision the next time a plant is to be selected for inside the
house
...

4
...
Many women who work outside the home rightfully complain that they are responsible for too much
of the housework and household errands
...
The recommended solution is for the working couple to divide household tasks in some equitable
manner
...
In one family, the husband might enjoy
food shopping while the wife enjoys cleaning
...
Each couple should negotiate for themselves what constitutes
an equitable division of household tasks
...
(Do you recall the term
downshifting?)
5
...
In a highly traditional family,
the woman assumes the responsibility for managing inconvenient household tasks even if she, too, has a job outside the home
...
For more
modern couples, a more equitable solution is to take turns being inconvenienced
...
A working couple with children will frequently have to miss
work because of a child’s illness or accident, parent-teacher conferences,
or school plays
...
Develop adequate systems for child care
...
Imagine this scenario: Your spouse has already left for work, and you discover that your four-year-old child has a
fever of 102 degrees
...
She fears contaminating her
children
...
M
...
Make arrangements with at least three
people, including relatives, who could help you out in an emergency
...

7
...
The problem of negotiating who pays for
what arises for many two-income families
...
Child care expenses are often involved; restaurant meals become
more frequent; and a second car is usually a necessity outside of large metropolitan areas
...
Under this arrangement, the couple pools its money into
a joint account for household expenses and savings
...

When the two partners trust each other, a joint account might be maintained with one partner taking responsibility for bill paying
...
A third approach is for one partner to hand over a paycheck to the other, who has complete charge of bill

492 CH
...
The person who hands over
the paycheck would need to trust his or her partner completely
...
For many people, relationships that begin with enthusiasm, rapport, and compatibility end in a dull routine and splitting up
...
25 Understanding how to maintain a vibrant relationship is thus exceptionally important
...
Instead, joy and delight must
also be present
...
Here we describe major
factors in achieving a mutually rewarding long-term relationship
...

An 80-year-old in the audience responded, “I know just what you mean
...
and I have been married for 55 years, and that’s exactly how I feel
whenever I run into her downtown
...
When infatuation declines, instead of being disappointed, the couple should realize that the relationship
has grown more mature and lasting
...
Nature knows that without the illusion of
perfection, we might not choose each other
...
27 To avoid discouragement and disillusionment, it is important to keep romantic love in proper perspective
...
However, the spark should not be
extinguished
...
Over the years, the expectations
for relationships have increased: People want more from marriage than in
times past
...

Many more people today want marriages to be gratifying and satisfying and
intimate
...
28 In reviewing your expectations, you might decide
that you have set the bar too high and are therefore creating the opportunity for disappointment
...
The term “partner” refers to a spouse,
boyfriend, girlfriend, or significant other
...


◆

You perceive that your partner is not as attractive or cute as you thought previously
...


◆

Your conversation is confined to routine matters such as “Did you put gas in the car?”
or “Why are you 15 minutes late?”

◆

A significant change in routine takes place, such as the partner calling every other
day instead of at least once a day
...
M
...


◆

You spend progressively less time together
...


◆

You touch each other less and less, including holding hands while walking or driving
the car
...


◆

Small tokens of affection, such as sending love notes, almost disappear
...


◆

You notice frequent criticisms, including backhanded compliments, such as, “You look
nice today for a person with so little taste in clothing
...
(Quite often partners think that such major joint activities
will save a sinking relationship
...


◆

You rarely look forward to spending time alone with your partner
...


SOURCE: Several of the signs were collected from relationship experts by Elaine Gross, “Love On the Edge,”
Gannett News Service story, March 12, 1996, and from “The Relationship Quiz” used by Worldwide Marriage Encounter (undated)
...
16 FINDING HAPPINESS AND ENHANCING YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

HOLD COMMUNICATION SESSIONS
Good communication is vital for creating and maintaining a loving relationship
...
The topics can be both positive and negative
...
Or a woman may want to talk about the way her partner offended
her in public
...
One of many reasons that communication sessions are important is that many couples have different
perceptions about what is good and bad in their relationship
...
A vital aspect of these
sessions is that both facts and feelings are expressed
...
” The role play at the end
of this chapter explores the type of communication that can keep a relationship thriving
...
This is true because communication
breakdowns often lead to failed relationships
...
The partners look for small verbal and nonverbal signals of contentment and discontent in each other
...

For example, the man and woman may mechanically say to each other, “How
was your day?” or “Love ya
...
Introducing communication sessions can make it
possible for the couple to deal with subtle problems in the relationship
...
Many couples, for example, are surprised by the conflict
that emerges during their honeymoon
...
While driving in a car or seated next to each other in an airplane
for a long period of time, the other person’s eccentricities become more evident
...
A married couple might go to the same place for vacation, meeting
the same family and friends for years on end
...
Or a couple’s sex life may turn into a
routine
...
Make up a list of your own, but here are
a few ideas to jog your thinking:
Ask your mate out for dinner on a Monday evening
...

Take up a new activity together in which you are both beginners (such
as swing dancing or scuba diving) and learn with each other
...
Viewing your partner positively will often
help the relationship stay romantic and endure
...
Ninety-five Seattle-area
couples were traced for seven to nine years
...
Those who will divorce within six months see each other
through fogged lenses, seeming cynical and unable to say good things about
each other
...
”29
Additional support for the link between positive behavior and a lasting relationship stems from research by John Gottman
...
For instance, eye rolling in reaction to a spouse’s comment is a strong predictor of divorce
...
As the ratio begins to
drop, the marriage is at high risk for divorce
...
Negative facial expressions also dampen a
relationship
...
Such a relationship is based on interdependent love—love
involving commitment with self-expression and personal growth
...


496 CH
...
As with any
other role play visualize yourself in the role briefly described
...

The man in this relationship is becoming concerned that his wife does not enthusiastically participate in activities involving his family
...
He thinks they
are all loads of fun and cannot imagine why his wife is beginning to drag her heels
about spending time with them
...

The woman in this relationship still loves her husband but thinks his preference
for Sunday afternoons with his folks is unreasonable
...
She plans to confront her husband
about the situation this evening
...
Other members of the
class can act as observers
...
For example, many married people
feel compelled to give up a hobby or interest because the partner does not
share the interest
...
Unfortunately, if couples pursue nonpossessive relationships
too far, they wind up drifting away from each other
...
Each couple must find the right balance between maintaining
separate identities and spending sufficient time together to remain close
...


▲ SUMMARY
A satisfying and rewarding personal life can help a person absorb a career
setback and also contributes to a satisfying and rewarding career
...
A practical way of understanding happiness is that it is a by-product of having the spheres of life working in harmony and synchrony
...


SUMMARY 497

Contributors or keys to happiness include the following: (1) giving priority to happiness; (2) love and friendship; (3) self-esteem; (4) working hard
at things enjoyed; (5) appreciation of the joys of day-to-day living; (6) fairness, kindness, helpfulness, and trust; (7) recreational fun; (8) coping with
grief, disappointment, setbacks, and stress; (9) living with what you cannot
change; (10) energizing yourself through physical fitness; and (11) developing a philosophy or system of belief
...
First
is thinking, which brings about feelings
...
Third is separate psychological realities,
meaning that each person thinks in a unique way
...
Fifth is the present moment, which
is where people find happiness and inner peace
...
Such an
important activity in life should not be left to chance or fate alone
...

Be realistic about the type of person you are likely to attract
...

Understanding why people are attracted to one another helps in choosing a compatible partner
...
According to social
exchange theory, people seek relationships in which there is an even match
of personal assets
...
A fourth
explanation of attraction is based on biochemistry, suggesting that our hormones direct us to sense or screen potential mates
...

Whatever the basis for attraction, a partner must be chosen carefully to
help prevent a split based on a poor fit
...

To keep an intimate relationship healthy, you should resolve issues as
they arise
...

Two-income couples are subject to unique pressures
...

Keeping a relationship vibrant is a major challenge
...
16 FINDING HAPPINESS AND ENHANCING YOUR PERSONAL LIFE
(3) striving for novelty in your relationship; (4) taking an optimistic view
of the relationship; (5) maintaining a nonpossessive relationship; and
(6) maintaining a differentiation of self
...
What are some of the skills a person needs to acquire to become
happy?
2
...
Identify several positive and at least one negative consequence of
being happy
...
In this chapter you were told that the office has become the most
frequent place for meeting a mate
...
How do you
integrate these two opinions?
5
...
What do you perceive to be the advantages and disadvantages of
finding a romantic relationship over the Internet?
7
...
In Chapter 6 about communications, you were told that a problem
with e-mail is that it may not be well suited to conveying feelings
...
How do you
reconcile this apparent contradiction?
9
...

10
...
Find
out what they perceive to be the secret of their successful
relationship
...


INTERNET SKILL BUILDER: Daily Doses of Happiness on the Web
Visit www
...
com to receive your “daily dose of happiness
...
Happyguy promises to help you achieve such ends as
becoming inspired about life, discovering the meaning of happiness, and
achieving personal growth
...
Have you made strides toward becoming
happier? Do you feel any better emotionally? What impact do the Daily
Happiness mugs have on your personal well being? Be happy!

SUMMARY 499

HUMAN RELATIONS CASE PROBLEM

The Love Lab
Psychologist John Gottman began his research on the quality of marital relationships 30 years ago
...
The conversation that follows is a taken from the records of the Love Lab
...
They have recently moved, and both have new jobs
...

I know, I just start going stir-crazy
...

Huh?

...

That’s right, but I did not say that it would start in the first week when I’m
trying to do two different jobs
...
Right now, I’m not
just a manager
...

Well, I just don’t go out on the street and say, “Hey you
...
There are two people in the program
...
But in the
meantime it’s tough
...

I realize that
...

But
...

I realize that
...

I’ll just be starting to go to sleep and you’ll go, “Are you listening to me?” I’ll
be trying to stay awake
...
I’m not upset about it
...
I’m half out
...
That’s one of my big problems
...
I don’t get to sleep until two
...

You’ve been real good about that
...

I guess I just wish that you didn’t have to go in early
...

When I have the car, I can get out and get stuff then
...

I’ll be able to meet you for lunch and stuff
...

It is a problem
...

Yeah, we do
...

(Continued)

500 CH
...
The last couple of nights I tried to take you out to the lake and look at
the stars and stuff, so
...

We just need to get used to our schedules
...
I
wasn’t doing anything
...
We never had time to go out, just the two of us
...

Yeah, it’s always next weekend
...

Eight weekends in a row
...
We’ve both been
through major job changes and all
...

But we’re getting used to it, and I feel so much better about going to work at
three, three-thirty now than I did that first week
...

I just wish I had more time to do what I wanted to do
...

I’ll be able to stay
...
a wife and mother
...
to stay at home during the days a little bit more or I’ll have to go in early,
but then I can take a couple of hours off in the afternoons
...

I think you just like going in to your office
...
Randy was in there early every day,
tell me why?
Yeah, but he was home at a decent hour, too
...

Eight to eight or eight to nine every day
...

Now, then, I don’t want you taking that job
...

No
...
What evidence do you find in this transcript that Valerie and Mark have conflict
and low levels of marital satisfaction?
2
...
What recommendations can you offer Valerie and Mark to improve their
relationship?
SOURCE: John Gottman and Sybil Carrere, “Welcome to the Love Lab,” Psychology Today, September/October 2000, pp
...
Reprinted with permission
...
bigcat
...
html
Enhancing the relationship of couples:

www
...
com

Finding love: www
...
com
Free dating service: www
...
com
Speed dating: www
...
Com

▲ REFERENCES
1
...
1
...
David T
...
12
...
The major sources of information for this list are Mihaly
Csikzentmihalyi, “Finding Flow,” Psychology Today, July/August 1997,
pp
...
72–74; Dennis McCafferty, “The Happiest Guy,” USA Weekend, March 7–9, 2003, pp
...

4
...

5
...
67
...
Martin Seligman, “Don’t Diet, Be Happy,” USA Weekend, February
4–6, 1994, p
...

7
...
50–52, 55–56
...
Corliss, “Is There a Formula for Joy?” p
...

9
...
74
...
Richard Carlson, You Can Be Happy No Matter What: Five Principles
Your Therapist Never Told You, rev
...
(Novato, CA: New World Library, 1997)
...
Ibid
...
71
12
...

13
...

14
...
match
...

15
...

16
...
564
...
Daniel Goleman, “Making a Science of Why We Love Isn’t Easy,” New
York Times, syndicated story, July 23, 1986
...
16 FINDING HAPPINESS AND ENHANCING YOUR PERSONAL LIFE
18
...

19
...
16–17; Theresa Crenshaw, Guide to the Ingredients in Our Sex Soup (New
York: Putnam, 1996)
...
Jeannette Lauer and Robert Lauer, “Marriages Made to Last,”
Psychology Today, June 1985, p
...

21
...
9
...
John Gottman and Sybil Carrere, “Welcome to the Love Lab,”
Psychology Today, September/October 2000, pp
...

23
...

24
...

25
...
437
...
Ibid
...
Harville Hendrix, “Love and Marriage,” Family Circle, syndicated
story, March 17, 1990
...
Cited in Murray Dubin, “The Knack of Marriage: You Can Learn the
Skills, Say Those Rooting for Coupledom,” Philadelphia Inquirer, syndicated
story, August 20, 2000
...
Research cited in Karen Peterson, “Rose-Colored Glasses Might
Help Marriages,” Gannett News Service, March 30, 2000
...
Research cited in Tara Parker-Pope, “Can Eye-Rolling Destroy a
Marriage? Researchers Try to Predict Divorce Risk
...
D1; www
...
com
...
Francesca M
...


▲ ADDITIONAL READING
Ackerman, Diane
...
New York: Random House, 1994
...
You Look Nice Today
...

Botting, Douglas and Kate Botting
...
New
York: St
...

Csikzentmihalyi, Mihaly
...
New York: Basic Books/HarperCollins, 1997
...
Close Romantic Relationship: Maintenance and Enhancement
...

Kirchler, Erich, Christa, Rodler, Erick, Holzl, and Katja Meier
...
Philadelphia:
Psychology Press, 2001
...
Heroes, Rogues, and Lovers:
Testosterone and Behavior
...

Opdyke
...
Love & Money
...

Schenebly, Lee
...
Cambridge, MA: Fisher, 2000
...
Difficult Conversations: How to
Talk about What Matters Most
...




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