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BODY LANGUAGE
How to read others’ thoughts by their gestures
ALLAN PEASE is the managing director of a
management consultancy company based in
Sydney, Australia
...
He did ten years’ study,
interviewing and research before writing BODY
LANGUAGE
...
No part of this book may be
reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any
means, electronic or mechanical, including
photocopying, recording or by any information
storage or retrieval system, without permission in
writing from the publisher
...
– (Overcoming common problems)
1
...
Title II
...
56 P99
...
Introduction
When I first heard about ‘body language’ at a seminar in 1971, I became so excited
about it that I wanted to learn more
...
At that time I had been a commission salesman
for several years and had undergone many long, intensive courses on selling techniques,
but none of these courses had ever mentioned anything about the non-verbal aspects or
implications of face-to-face encounters
...
This does not mean that their work was
not important; simply that most of it was too technical to have any practical application
or use by a layman like myself
...
The book also includes many ‘how to’ features developed from the countless reels
of videotape and film made by myself and others throughout Australasia and overseas,
plus some of the experiences and encounters that I have had with the thousands of
people that I have interviewed, recruited, trained, managed and sold to over the past
fifteen years
...
Its purpose is to
make the reader more aware of his own nonverbal cues and signals and to demonstrate
how people communicate with each other using this medium
...
Non-verbal communication is, however, a complex process
involving people, words, tone of voice and body movements
...
This book seeks
to give the reader greater insight into communication with his fellow humans, so that he
may have a deeper understanding of other people and, therefore, of himself
...
A birdwatcher does not study birds so that he can shoot them down and keep
them as trophies
...
This book was originally intended as a working manual for sales people, sales
managers and executives and, in the ten years that it has taken to research and compile,
it has been expanded in such a way that any person, regardless of his or her vocation or
position in life, can use it to obtain a better understanding of life’s most complex event
– a face-to-face encounter with another person
...
Just as the birdwatcher delights in
watching birds and their behaviour, so the non-verbalist delights in watching the
non-verbal cues and signals of human beings
...
He is a student of
behaviour who wants to learn about the actions of his fellow humans so that he may
ultimately learn more about himself and how he can improve his relationships with
others
...
This was a summary of the
work done by behavioural scientists on nonverbal communication up until that time,
and even today, most people are still ignorant of the existence of body language, let
alone its importance in their lives
...
Each actor was classed as good or bad by the extent to which he could use
gestures and other body signals to communicate effectively
...
As far as the technical study of body language goes, perhaps the most influential
pre-twentieth-century work was Charles Darwin’s The Expression of the Emotions in
Man and Animals published in 1872
...
Since that time, researchers have
noted and recorded almost one million nonverbal cues and signals
...
Professor Birdwhistell made some similar estimates of the amount of
non-verbal communication that takes place amongst humans
...
5 seconds
...
Most researchers generally agree that the verbal channel is used primarily for
conveying information, while the non-verbal channel is used for negotiating
interpersonal attitudes, and in some cases is used as a substitute for verbal messages
...
Regardless of culture, words and movements occur together with such
predictability that Birdwhistell says that a well-trained person should be able to tell
what movement a man is making by listening to his voice
...
Many people find difficulty in accepting that humans are still biologically animals
...
Like any other species, we are dominated by
biological rules that control our actions, reactions, body language and gestures
...
PERCEPTIVENESS, INTUITION AND HUNCHES
From a technical point of view, whenever we call someone ‘perceptive’ or
‘intuitive’, we are referring to his or her ability to read another person’s non-verbal cues
and to compare these cues with verbal signals
...
This is also what speakers call
audience awareness, or relating to a group
...
He would
become aware that he needed to take a different approach to gain audience involvement
...
Women are generally more perceptive than men, and this fact has given rise to what
is commonly referred to as ‘women’s intuition’
...
This is why few husbands can lie to their wives and get away with it and why,
conversely, most women can pull the wool over a man’s eyes without his realising it
...
For the first few years, the mother relies solely on the non-verbal channel to
communicate with the child and this is believed to be the reason why women often
become more perceptive negotiators than men
...
Evidence was
collected from observation of blind and/or deaf people who could not have learned nonverbal signals through the auditory or visual channels, from observing the gestural behaviour of many different cultures around the world and from studying the behaviour of
our nearest anthropological relatives, the apes and monkeys
...
For example, most primate children are born with the immediate ability to suck,
indicating that this is either inborn or genetic
...
Ekman,
Friesen and Sorenson supported some of Darwin’s original beliefs about inborn
gestures when they studied the facial expressions of people from five widely different
cultures
...
When you cross your arms on your chest, do you cross left over right or right over
left? Most people cannot confidently describe which way they do this until they try it
...
Evidence suggests
that this may well be a genetic gesture that cannot be changed
...
For example, most men put on a coat right arm first; most
women put it on left arm first
...
Does she instinctively do this to protect her breasts? Is this an inborn female
reaction or has she learned to do this by unconsciously watching other females?
Much of our basic non-verbal behaviour is learned and the meaning of many
movements and gestures is culturally determined
...
SOME BASICS AND THEIR ORIGINS
Most of the basic communication gestures are the same all over the world
...
Nodding
the head is almost universally used to indicate ‘yes’ or affirmation
...
Shaking the head from side to side to indicate ‘no’ or negation is also
universal and may well be a gesture that is learned in infancy
...
When the
young child has had enough to eat, he shakes his head from side to side to stop his
parent’s attempt to spoon feed him and in this way he quickly learns to use the head
shaking gesture to show disagreement or a
negative attitude
...
Baring the teeth is derived from the act of
attacking and is still used by modern man in
the form of a sneer and other such hostile
gestures, even though he will not attack with
his teeth
...
The shoulder shrug is also a good example
of a universal gesture that is used to show that
a person does not know or understand what
you are talking about
...
Just as verbal language differs from culture to culture, so the non-verbal language
may also differ
...
Take, for example, the cultural interpretations and implications of
three common hand gestures, the ring gesture, the thumb-up and V sign
...
There’ are many different views about what the initials ‘OK’
stand for, some believing it stood for ‘all correct’ which may have been misspelled as
‘oll korrect’, while others say that it means the opposite of ‘knock-out’ that is, K
...
Another popular theory is that it is an abbreviation of ‘Old Kinderhook’, from the
birthplace of a nineteenth century American president who used the initials as a
campaign slogan
...
The-,’OK’ meaning is
common to all English-speaking countries and, although its meaning is fast spreading
across Europe and Asia, it has other origins and meanings in certain places
...
For overseas travellers, the safest rule to obey is, ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans
do’
...
The Thumb-Up Gesture
In Britain, Australia and New Zealand the thumb-up gesture has three meanings; it
is commonly used by hitch-hikers who are thumbing a lift, it is an OK signal, and when
the thumb is jerked sharply upwards it becomes an insult signal, meaning ‘up yours’ or
‘sit on this’
...
In this case the thumb will
represent the number ‘five’
...
A later
chapter takes a closer look at the use of the thumb in these particular contexts
...
Winston Churchill
popularised the V for victory sign
during World War II, but his
two-fingered version was done
with the palm facing out, whereas
the palm faces towards the
speaker for the obscene insult
version
...
This
signal also means the number two in many parts of Europe, and if the insulted European
were a bartender, his response could be to give an Englishman or an Australian two
mugs of beer
...
Therefore, unless otherwise specified, our discussion should be considered culturally
specific, that is, generally pertaining to adult, white middle class people raised in
Australia, New Zealand, Great Britain, North America and other places where English
is the primary language
...
For example,
scratching the head can mean a number of things -dandruff, fleas, sweating, uncertainty,
forgetfulness or lying, depending on the other gestures that occur at the same time, so
we must always look at gesture clusters for a correct reading
...
Each gesture is like a single word and a word may have several different
meanings
...
Gestures come in ‘sentences’ and invariably tell the
truth about a person’s feelings or attitudes
...
Figure 5 shows a common critical evaluation gesture cluster
...
Further evidence that this listener is
critical of the speaker is seen by the fact that the legs are tightly crossed and the arm
crosses the body (defensive) while the head and chin are down (hostility)
...
’
Congruence
If you, as the speaker, were to ask the listener shown in Figure 5 to give his opinion
of what you have just said and he said that he disagreed with you, his non-verbal signals
would be congruent with his verbal sentences, that is, they would match or be
consistent
...
Research shows that non-verbal
signals carry about five times as much impact as the verbal channel and that, when the
two are incongruent, people rely on the non-verbal message; the verbal content may be
disregarded
...
He may
attempt to convince the audience of his warm, humane approach while giving short,
sharp karate chops to the lectern
...
Freud was aware of the significance of this
unconscious gesture and was not surprised when marriage problems began to surface
...
Gestures in Context
In addition to looking for gesture clusters and congruence of speech and body
movement, all gestures should be considered in the context in which they occur
...
If, however, the person used the same gestures while you were
sitting across a table from him trying to sell him an idea, product or service, they could
be correctly interpreted as meaning that the person was negative or defensive about the
situation
...
Other Factors Affecting Interpretation
A man who has a ‘dead fish’ hand shake is likely to be accused of having a weak
character and the chapter on hand shake techniques will explore the reason for this
popular theory
...
Similarly, artists, musicians,
surgeons and those in vocations whose work is delicate and involves use of their hands
generally prefer not to shake hands, but, if they are forced to do so, they may use a
‘dead fish’ to protect them
...
This applies to a minority of people,
but it is important to consider what effect a person’s physical restrictions or disabilities
may have on his or her body movement
...
In other words, the higher up the social or management ladder a
person is, the better able he is to communicate in words and phrases
...
This means that a person’s status, power or prestige is also directly related to
the number of gestures or body movements he uses
...
Throughout this book, most of the examples given refer to white, middle-class
people but, as a general rule the higher the person on the socio-economic scale, the less
gesticulation and body movement he uses
...
For example, if a five-year-old child tells a lie to his or her
parent, the mouth will be deliberately covered with one or both hands immediately
afterwards (Figure 6)
...
When the teenager tells a lie, the hand is brought to
the mouth like that of a five-year-old, but instead of the obvious hand slapping gesture
over the mouth, the fingers rub lightly around it (Figure 7)
...
When the
adult tells a lie, his brain instructs his hand to cover his mouth in an attempt to block the
deceitful words, just as it does for the five-year-old and the teenager, but at the last
moment the hand is pulled away from the face and a nose touch gesture results (Figure
8)
...
This is an example of the fact that,
as an individual gets older, many of his gestures become sophisticated and less obvious,
which is why it is often more difficult to read the gestures of a fifty year-old than those
of a much younger person
...
For example, open palms are associated with honesty but when the faker holds
his palms out and smiles at you as he tells a lie, his microgestures give him away
...
The result is that
the receiver tends not to believe what he hears
...
There are, however, some cases
in which body language is deliberately faked to gain certain advantages
...
To
the extent that each contestant can convey these signals, she will score points from the
judges, but even the experts can only fake body language for a short period of time and
eventually the body will emit signals that are independent of conscious actions
...
The face is used more often than any other part of the body to cover up lies
...
The study of facial signals is an art in itself
...
Whiteside
...
This can make it more
comfortable to be with people and can make you more acceptable to them
...
This is why
people who rarely tell lies are easily caught, regardless of how convincing they may
sound
...
During the lie, the
subconscious mind sends out nervous energy that appears as a gesture that can
contradict what the person said
...
They refine their gestures in one of two ways
...
Second, they can eliminate most
gestures so that they do’ not use any positive or negative gestures while lying, but this is
also very difficult to do
...
Tell a deliberate lie to an
acquaintance and make a conscious effort to suppress all body gestures while your body
is in full view of the other person
...
These include facial
muscular twitching, expansion and contraction of pupils, sweating at the brow, flushing
of the cheeks, increased rate of eye blinking and numerous other minute gestures that
signal deceit
...
The best interviewers and sales people are those who have
developed the unconscious ability to read the microgestures during face-to-face
encounters
...
This is why police interrogation involves placing the suspect on
a chair in the open or placing him under lights with his body in full view of the
interrogators; his lies are much easier to see under those circumstances
...
The best way to lie is over the
telephone!
HOW TO LEARN BODY LANGUAGE
Set aside at least fifteen minutes a day to study and read the gestures of other people,
as well as acquiring a conscious awareness of your own gestures
...
An airport is a particularly good
place for observing the entire spectrum of human gestures, aspeople openly express
eagerness, anger, sorrow, happiness, impatience and many other emotions through
gestures
...
Having
studied the art of body language, you can go to a party, sit alone in a corner all evening
like a wallflower and have an exciting time just watching other people’s body language
rituals! Television also offers an excellent way of learning nonverbal communication
...
By turning the sound up every five minutes, you will be able to check how
accurate your non-verbal readings are and before long it will be possible to watch an
entire program without any sound and understand what is happening, just as deaf
people do
...
When this is learned and the
implications understood, not only can enormous insights into one’s own behaviour and
that of others be gained but the face-to-face reactions of others can be predicted
...
Hall was one of the pioneers in the study of man’s
spatial needs and in the early 1960s he coined the word ‘proxemics’ (from ‘proximity’
or nearness)
...
Every country is a territory staked out by clearly defined boundaries and sometimes
protected by armed guards
...
Within these are even smaller territories called cities,
within which are suburbs, containing many streets that, in themselves, represent a
closed territory to those who live there
...
A territory is also an area or space that a person claims as his own, as if it were an
extension of his body
...
This chapter will deal mainly with the implications of this air space and how people
react when it is invaded
...
How far the space extends is mainly dependent on how crowded were
the conditions in which the animal was raised
...
On the other hand, a lion raised in
captivity with other lions may have a personal space of only several metres, the direct
result of crowded conditions
...
This personal zone distance is therefore culturally determined
...
However, we are mainly
concerned with the territorial behaviour of people raised in Western cultures
...
Zone Distances
The radius of the air bubble around suburban middle class white people living in
Australia, New Zealand, England, North America and Canada is generally the same
...
1
...
Only those who are emotionally close to
that person are permitted to enter it
...
There is a sub-zone that extends up to 15 centimetres (6
inches) from the body that can be entered only during physical contact
...
2
...
22 metres or 18 to 48 inches)
This is the distance that we stand from others at cocktail parties, office parties,
social functions and friendly gatherings
...
Social Zone (between 1
...
6 metres or 4 to 12 feet)
We stand at this distance from strangers, the plumber or carpenter doing repairs
around our home, the postman, the local shopkeeper, the new employee at work and
people whom we do not know very well
...
Public Zone (over 3
...
Practical Applications of Zone Distances
Our intimate zone is normally entered by another person for one of two reasons
...
Second, the intruder is hostile and may be about to attack
...
The heart pumps faster, adrenalin pours into the bloodstream and blood is
pumped to the brain and the muscles as physical preparations for a possible fight or
flight situation are made
...
If you want people to feel
comfortable in your company, the golden rule is ‘keep your distance’
...
For example, a new employee may initially feel that the other staff
members are cold towards him, but they are only keeping him at the social zone
distance until they know him better
...
The distance that two people who are kissing keep their hips apart can tell you
something about the relationship that exists between them
...
This differs
from the kiss received from a stranger on New Year’s Eve or from your best friend’s
spouse, both of whom keep their pelvic area at least 15 centimetres away from yours
...
For example, the managing director of
a company may be the weekend fishing buddy of one of his subordinates and when they
go fishing each may move within the other’s personal or intimate zone
...
Crowding at concerts, cinemas, in elevators, trains or buses results in unavoidable
intrusion into other people’s intimate zones, and reactions to this invasion are
interesting to observe
...
These rules include:
1
...
2
...
3
...
4
...
5
...
6
...
We often hear words like ‘miserable’, ‘unhappy’ and ‘despondent’ used to describe
people who travel to work in the rush hour on public transport
...
What the observer sees, in fact, is a group of
people adhering to the rules that apply to the unavoidable invasion of their intimate
zones in a crowded public place
...
As the usher directs you to your seat which is surrounded by a sea of unknown
faces, notice how you will, like a pre-programmed robot, begin to obey the unwritten
rules of behaviour in crowded public places
...
Whether we are in a crowded
elevator, cinema or bus, people around us become non-persons - that is, they do not
exist, as far as we are concerned and so we do not respond as if we were being attacked
should someone inadvertently encroach upon our intimate territory
...
As the density of the crowd increases, each individual has less
personal space and takes a hostile stand, which is why, as the size of the mob increases,
it becomes angrier and uglier and fighting may begin to take place
...
Only in recent years have governments and town planners given any credence to the
effect that high-density housing projects have in depriving individuals of their personal
territory
...
Many of the deer were
dying in large numbers, despite the fact that at the time there was plenty of food,
predators were not in evidence and infection was not present
...
The adrenal glands play an important part in the regulation of growth, reproduction and
the level of the body’s defences
...
In view of this it is easy to see why areas that have the highest density of human
population also have the highest crime and violence rates
...
They seat the criminal on an armless, fixed chair in an
open area of the room and encroach into his intimate and close intimate zones when
asking questions, remaining there until he answers
...
Management people can use this same approach to extract information from subordinates who may be withholding it, but a sales person would be foolish to use this
type of approach when dealing with customers
...
He usually looks for the widest space available between two
others and claims the area in the centre
...
At the squash
courts, he chooses the towel hook that is in the largest available space, midway between
two other towels or midway between the nearest towel and the end of the towel rack
...
At the cinema, if you choose a seat more than halfway between the end of the row
and the nearest other person, that other person may feel offended if you are too far away
from him or he may feel intimidated if you sit too close, so the main purpose of this
spacing ritual is to maintain harmony
...
Research
shows that people choose the end toilets about 90 per cent of the time and, if they are
occupied, the midway principle is used
...
Some weeks after their admission to the
club, several female members complained that the Danish man was making advances
towards them, so that they felt uncomfortable in his presence and the male members of
the club felt that the Danish woman had been indicating non-verbally that she would be
sexually available to them
...
The
Danish couple felt quite at ease and relaxed when standing at a distance of 25
centimetres from the Australians, being totally unaware of their intrusion into the
46-centimetre intimate zone
...
Moving into the intimate territory of someone of the opposite sex is a method that
people use to show interest in that person and is commonly called an ‘advance’
...
If the advance is accepted, the other person holds his or her
ground and allows the intruder to remain within the intimate zone
...
The Danes thought the Australians were cold and unfriendly
because they kept moving away to maintain the distance at which they felt comfortable
...
However, when a Japanese attendee
spoke with an American, the two slowly began to move around the room, the American
moving backwards away from the Japanese and the Japanese gradually moving towards
the American
...
The Japanese, with his smaller 25centimetre intimate zone, continually stepped forward to adjust to his spatial need, but
by doing so he invaded the American’s intimate space; causing him to step backwards
to make his own spatial adjustment
...
It is therefore obvious why, when negotiating business,
Asians and Europeans or Americans look upon each other with some suspicion, the
Europeans or Americans referring to the Asians as ‘pushy’ and ‘familiar’ and Asians
referring to the Europeans or Americans as ‘cold’, ‘stand-offish’ and ‘cool’
...
Country v City Spatial Zones
As previously mentioned, the amount of personal space required by an individual is
related to the population density of the area in which he was brought up
...
Watching how fax a person extends his
arm to shake hands can give a clue to whether he is from a major city or from a remote
country area
...
This allows the hand to meet the other person’s on neutral territory
...
Country people have a tendency to stand with their feet firmly planted on the
ground and to lean forward as far as they can to meet your handshake, whereas a city
dweller will step forward to greet you
...
These people prefer not to shake hands but would rather stand at a distance and wave
(Figure 14)
...
Considering that the farmer
may have a ‘bubble’ of 100 to 200 centimetres or more, a handshake could be a
territorial intrusion, causing the farmer to react negatively and be on the defensive
...
TERRITORY AND OWNERSHIP
Property owned by a person or a place regularly used by him constitutes a private
territory and, like personal air space, he will fight to protect it
...
Each territory may have several subterritories
...
These areas are usually
marked either by leaving personal possessions on or around the area, or by frequent use
of it
...
Dr Desmond Morris noted that studies carried out into seating positions in
libraries show that leaving a book or personal object on a library desk reserved that
place for an average of seventy-seven minutes; leaving a jacket over a chair reserved it
for two hours
...
If the head of the house asks a sales person to be seated and the sales person quite
innocently sits in ‘his’ chair, the prospective buyer can become inadvertently agitated
about this invasion of his territory and thus be put on the defensive
...
Motor Vehicles
Psychologists have noted that people driving a motor car react in a manner that is
often completely unlike their normal social behaviour as regards their territories
...
In some cases, their territory is magnified by up to ten times the normal
size, so the driver feels that he has a claim to an area of 9 to 10 metres in front of and
behind his motor car
...
Compare this to the situation that occurs when the same man
is stepping into a lift and another person steps in front of him, invading his personal
territory
...
For some people, the car becomes a protective cocoon in which they can hide from
the outside world
...
In summary, others will invite or
reject you, depending on the respect
that you have for their personal space
...
As a number of
factors can affect the spatial distance a
person takes in relation to others, it is
wise to consider every criterion before
making a judgment about why a person
is keeping a certain distance
...
1
...
2
...
3
...
A few simple questions and further observation of the couple can reveal the correct
answer and can help you avoid an embarrassing situation by making incorrect
assumptions
...
Many oaths are taken with the palm of the hand over the
heart, and the palm is held in the air when somebody is giving evidence in a court of law;
the Bible is held in the left hand and the right palm held up for the members of the court
to view
...
The first has the
palm facing upwards and is characteristic of the beggar asking for money or food
...
One of the most valuable ways of discovering whether someone is being open and
honest or not is to look for palm displays
...
For example, when people wish to be totally open
or honest they will hold one or both palms out to the other person and say something
like, ‘Let me be completely open with you’ (Figure 16)
...
Like most
body language, this is a completely unconscious gesture, one that gives you a feeling or
hunch that the other person is telling the truth
...
Similarly, a husband who wants to
conceal his whereabouts after a night out with the boys will often hide his palms in his
pockets or in an arm fold position when he tries to explain where he was
...
Sales people are often taught to look for the customer’s exposed palms when he
gives reasons why he cannot buy the product, because only valid reasons are given with
exposed palms
...
If you tell an outright lie with your
palms exposed, you may still appear insincere to your listeners because many of the
other gestures that should also be visible when displaying honesty will be absent and
the negative gestures used when lying will be visible and therefore inconsistent with the
open palms
...
The more effectively the professional con man can use the non-verbal gestures of
honesty when telling a lie, the better he is at his vocation
...
Interestingly, most people find it
difficult to lie with their palms exposed and the use of palm signals can in fact help to
suppress some of the false information others may give
...
Palm Power
One of the least noticed but most powerful non-verbal signals is given by the human
palm
...
There are three main palm command gestures: the palm-up position, the palm-down
position and the palm-closed-finger-pointed position
...
We assume that you use the same tone of
voice, the same words and facial expressions, and change only the position of your
palm
...
The person being asked to move the box will not
feel that the request is given with pressure and, in a normal superior/subordinate
situation, will not feel threatened by the request
...
The person to whom you have directed the request feels that he has been given an order
to remove the box and may feel antagonistic towards you, depending on your
relationship with him
...
If the person to
whom you give the request is your subordinate, the palm-down gesture is acceptable, as
you have the authority to use it
...
The pointed finger is one of the most irritating gestures that a person can use while
speaking, particularly when it beats time to the speaker’s words
...
SHAKING HANDS
Shaking hands is a relic of the caveman era
...
This palms-in-air gesture became modified over the centuries and
such gestures as the palm raised in the air, the palm over the heart and numerous other
variations developed
...
The hands are normally pumped five to seven
times
...
Assume that you have just met someone for the first time and you greet each other
with a customary handshake
...
These are dominance: ‘This person is trying to dominate me
...
He will do as I wish’, and equality:
‘I like this person
...
These attitudes are transmitted unconsciously and, with practice and conscious
application, the following hand shaking techniques can have an immediate effect on the
outcome of a face-to-face encounter with another person
...
Dominance is transmitted by turning your hand (dark shirt sleeve) so that your palm
faces down in the handshake (Figure 20)
...
Studies of fifty-four
successful senior management people have revealed that not only did forty-two initiate
the handshake, but they also used dominant handshake control
...
The
reverse of the dominant handshake is to offer your hand with your palm facing upwards
(Figure 21)
...
However, though the palm-up handshake can show a submissive attitude, there may
be mitigating circumstances to consider
...
People who use their hands
in their profession, such as surgeons, artists and musicians, may also give a limp
handshake purely to protect their hands
...
When two dominant people shake hands, a symbolic struggle takes place as each
person tries to turn the other’s palm into the submissive position
...
This vice-like vertical
palm grip is the handshake that a father teaches his son when he shows him how to
‘shake hands like a man’
...
There is a simple technique for disarming
the dominant hand shaker that, in addition to
giving you back the control, can enable you to
intimidate the other person by invading his
personal space
...
Next, bring your right leg forward,
moving left in front of the person and into his
personal space (Figure 25)
...
This
tactic allows you to straighten the handshake
position or to turn the other person’s hand into
the submissive position
...
Analyse your own approach to shaking hands to determine whether you step
forward on your left or right foot when you extend your arm to shake hands
...
Practise stepping
into a handshake with your left foot and you will find that it is quite simple to neutralise
a dominant handshake and take the control
...
Considering that a hand shake is a sign of welcome, it is
important to ask yourself several questions before you initiate one: Am I welcome? Is
this person glad to meet me? Sales trainees are taught that, if they initiate the handshake
with a buyer on whom they call unannounced and uninvited, it can produce a negative
result as the buyer may not want to welcome them and is forced to do something that he
may not want to do
...
Under these circumstances, sales
trainees are told that it is better to wait for the other person to initiate the handshake and,
if it is not forthcoming, to nod as a sign of greeting
...
This handshake is typical
of the aggressive, dominant male who always initiates it, and the stiff arm with palm
facing directly downwards forces the
receiver into the submissive position
because he has to respond with his palm
facing up
...
You can use the step-to-the-right
technique (Figures 23 to 25), but
sometimes this is difficult to use as the
initiator’s arm is often tense and stiff to
prevent such tactics
...
With this approach, you become the dominant party, as you not only have control
of the other person’s hand, but yours is in the superior position on top of his with your
palm facing down
...
The glove handshake is sometimes called the politician’s handshake
...
The receiver feels
suspicious and cautious about the initiator’s intentions
...
Few greeting gestures are as uninviting as the dead fish handshake, particularly
when the hand is cold or clammy
...
Surprisingly, many people who use the
dead fish are unaware that they do so, and it is wise to ask your friends to comment on
your own handshake delivery before deciding which style you will use in future
...
Unfortunately, there are no effective ways to counter it, apart from verbal abuse or
physical action such as a punch on the nose!
Like the palm-down thrust, the stiff-arm thrust tends to be used by aggressive types
and its main purpose is to keep you at a distance and out of the initiator’s intimate zone
...
With country folk, however, there is a tendency to lean
forward or even balance on one foot when delivering the stiff-arm thrust
...
Even though the initiator may appear to
have a keen and enthusiastic attitude toward the receiver, in fact he lacks confidence in
himself
...
Pulling the receiver into the initiator’s territory can mean one of two things: first,
the initiator is an insecure type who feels safe only within his own personal space or
second, the initiator is from a culture that has a small intimate zone and he is behaving
normally
...
Two significant elements should be noticed
...
The elbow grasp, for example (Figure 35), transmits more feeling
than the wrist hold (Figure 34), and the shoulder hold, (Figure 37) transmits more than
the upper-arm grip (Figure 36)
...
In general, the wrist hold
and the elbow grasp are acceptable only between close friends or relatives and in these
cases, the initiator’s left hand penetrates only the receiver’s intimate zone
...
They should be used only between people
who experience a close emotional bond at the time of the handshake
...
It
is quite common to see politicians greeting voters and sales people meeting their new
customers with a double-handed hand shake without realising that this can be social
suicide, putting the receiver off-side
...
In the course of the conversation our friend
suddenly sat back in her chair, smiled broadly, rubbed her palms together and
exclaimed, ‘I can hardly wait to go!’ Non-verbally she had told us that she expected the
trip to be a big success
...
The dice thrower rubs
the dice between his palms as a sign of his
positive expectancy of winning, the master
of ceremonies rubs his palms together and
says to his audience, ‘We have long looked
forward to hearing our next speaker’, and the
excited sales person struts into the sales
manager’s office, rubs his palms together
and says excitedly, ‘We’ve just got a big
order, boss!’ However, the waiter who
comes to your table at the end of the evening
rubbing his palms together and asking,
‘Anything else, sir?’ is non-verbally telling
you that he is expecting a tip
...
Say, for example, you want to buy a home and you go to see a real estate agent
...
But how would you feel if he rubbed his palms together
very slowly as he told you that he had the ideal property? He would then appear to be
crafty or devious and would give you the feeling that the expected results would be to
his advantage rather than yours
...
When the
buyer rubs his palms together and says to the sales person, ‘Let’s see what you have to
offer!’ it is a signal that the buyer is expecting to be shown something
...
A word of warning: a person who is standing at a bus terminal in freezing winter
conditions and who rubs his palms together briskly may not necessarily be doing this
because he is expecting a bus
...
It is often used by sales people who rub their
fingertips and thumb together and say to their customers ‘I can save you 40 per cent’, or
the person who rubs his index finger and thumb together and says to his friend, ‘Lend
me ten dollars’
...
Hands Clenched Together
At first this seems to be a confidence gesture
as some people who use it are often smiling and
sound happy
...
As he went further and
further into his story, we noticed that not only
had he taken the hands-clenched position, but his
fingers were beginning to turn white and they
looked as though they were welding together
...
Research by Nierenberg and Calero on the
hands-clenched position brought them to the
conclusion that this was a frustration gesture,
signalling that the person was holding back a negative attitude
...
There also appears to be a correlation between the height at which the hands are
held and the strength of the person’s negative mood; that is, the person would be more
difficult to handle when the hands are held high as in Figure 39 than he would be with
the Figure 40 position
...
Steepling Hands
I stated at the beginning of this book that gestures come in clusters, like words in a
sentence, and that they must be interpreted in the context in which they are observed
...
In fact, people who are confident, superior types or
who use minimal or restricted body gestures often use this gesture, and, by doing so,
they signal their confident attitude
...
Managers often use this gesture position
when giving instructions or advice to subordinates and it is particularly common among
accountants, lawyers, managers and the like
...
The
lowered steeple gesture (Figure 43) is normally used when the steepler is listening
rather than speaking
...
When the raised steeple
position is taken with the head tilted back, the person assumes an air of smugness or
arrogance
...
For example, a salesman presenting
his product to a potential buyer may have observed several positive gestures given by
the buyer during the interview
...
Let’s say that towards the end of the sales presentation the customer takes
one of the steeple positions
...
On the other hand, if the steeple
gesture follows a series of negative gestures such as arm folding, leg crossing, looking
away and numerous hand-to-face gestures, and if the buyer takes the steeple position
towards the close of the sales presentation, the buyer may be confident that he will not
buy or that he can get rid of the salesman
...
The movements preceding the steeple gesture are the key to the outcome
...
Not only does British Royalty use this gesture; it is common among
Royalty of many countries
...
This is therefore a superiority/confidence
gesture position
...
Our own experience shows
that, if you take this position when you are in a high stress situation, such as being interviewed by newspaper reporters or simply waiting outside a dentist’s surgery, you will
feel quite relaxed, confident and even authoritative
...
However, the police officers who do wear firearms seldom display this gesture,
using the hands-on-hips aggressive gesture instead (Figure 98)
...
The palm-in-palm gesture should not be confused with the hand-gripping-wrist
gesture (Figure 45) which is a signal of frustration and an attempt at self-control
...
Interestingly, the further the hand is moved up the back, the more angry the person
has become
...
It is this type of gesture that has given rise to such
expressions as, ‘Get a good grip on yourself’
...
It is a poor attempt by the salesman to disguise his nervousness and an
astute buyer is likely to sense this
...
THUMB DISPLAYS
In palmistry, the thumbs denote strength of character and ego and the non-verbal
use of thumbs agrees with this
...
Thumb displays are positive signals, often used in the typical pose of the ‘cool’
manager who uses them in the presence of subordinates
...
People wearing new, attractive clothing use
thumb displays more frequently than those who wear older, outdated clothing
...
Take, for example, the lawyer who turns to the jury and
in a soft, low voice says, ‘In my humble opinion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury …’
while displaying dominant thumb gestures and tilting back his head to ‘look down his
nose’ (Figure 48)
...
If the lawyer wished to appear humble, he should have approached the
jury with one foot toward them, his coat open, an open palm display and stooping
forward a little to show humility, or even subordination to the jury
...
Dominant or aggressive women also use this gesture; the women’s movement has
allowed them to adopt many male gestures and positions (Figure 50)
...
Arms folded with thumbs pointing upwards is another popular thumb gesture
position
...
The person using this double
gesture usually gesticulates with his or her thumbs, and rocking on the balls of the feet
when standing is common
...
For example, the husband who leans across to his friend, points
toward his wife with a closed fist thumb gesture and says, ‘Women are all the same, you
know’, is inviting an argument with his wife
...
Consequently, thumb-pointing is irritating
to most women, particularly when a man does it
...
Five
Hand-to-Face Gestures
DECEIT, DOUBT, LYING
How can you tell when someone is lying? Recognition of the non-verbal deceit
gestures can be one of the most important observation skills one can acquire
...
The hand-to-face actions depicted form the basis of the
human deceit gestures (Figure 53)
...
We have already mentioned that children use these obvious deceit gestures quite openly
...
If he does not wish to listen to a
reprimanding parent, he simply covers his ears with his hands
...
As a person
becomes older, the hand-to-face gestures become more refined and less obvious but
they still occur when a person is lying, covering up or witnessing deceit; deceit can also
mean doubt, uncertainty, lying or exaggeration
...
It does, however, indicate that the person may be deceiving you and further
observation of his other gesture clusters can confirm your suspicions
...
Dr Desmond Morris noted that American researchers tested nurses who were
instructed to lie to their patients about their health in a role-play situation
...
This chapter looks at the variations in hand-to-face gestures and
discusses how and when they occur
...
The
hand covers the mouth and the thumb is pressed against the cheek as the brain subconsciously instructs it to try and suppress the deceitful words that are being said
...
The mouth guard is not to be confused with evaluation gestures, which will be
covered later in this chapter
...
When
playing the role of a gangster or criminal, the late Humphrey Bogart often used this
gesture when discussing criminal activities with other gangsters or when being
interrogated by the police to show non-verbally that he was being dishonest
...
If,
however, he covers his mouth while you are speaking, it indicates that he feels you are
lying! One of the most unsettling sights a public speaker can see is his audience all
using this gesture whilst he is speaking
...
Nose Touching
In essence, the nose touch gesture is a sophisticated, disguised version of the mouth
guard gesture
...
Some women perform this gesture with small discreet
strokes to avoid smudging their make-up
...
Another explanation is that lying causes the
delicate nerve endings in the nose to tingle, and the rubbing action takes place to satisfy
this feeling
...
The
itch in a person’s nose is normally satisfied by a very deliberate rubbing or scratching
action, as opposed to the light strokes of the nose touch gesture
...
The Eye Rub
‘See no evil’ says the wise monkey, and this gesture is the brain’s attempt to block
out the deceit, doubt or lie that it sees or to avoid having to look at the face of the person
to whom he is telling the lie
...
Women use a small, gentle
rubbing motion just below the eye, either because they have been brought up to avoid
making robust gestures, or to avoid smudging make-up
...
‘Lying through your teeth’ is a common phrase
...
This gesture is used by movie actors to portray insincerity, but is rarely seen in real life
...
This is the sophisticated adult version
of the handsover-both-ears gesture used by the young child who wants to block out his
parent’s reprimands
...
This last
gesture is a signal that the person has heard enough or may want to speak
...
Our observation of this gesture
...
Rarely is the number of scratches less than
five and seldom more than five
...
’ It is very noticeable when
the verbal language contradicts it, for example, when the person says something like, ‘I
can understand how you feel
...
This seems to be a reasonable explanation
of why some people use the collar pull gesture when they tell a lie and suspect that they
have been caught out
...
It is also used when a
person is feeling angry or frustrated and needs to pull the collar away from his neck in
an attempt to let the cool air circulate around it
...
Fingers in the Mouth
Morris’s explanation of this gesture is that the fingers are placed in the mouth when
a person is under pressure
...
The young child substitutes his
thumb for the breast and as an adult, he not only puts his fingers to his mouth but inserts
such things as cigarettes, pipes, pens and the like into it
...
Giving the person guarantees and
assurances is appropriate when this gesture appears (Figure 60)
...
We can confidently
assume that, when a person uses one of the hand-to-face gestures just mentioned, a
negative thought has entered his mind
...
The real skill
of interpretation is the ability to pick which of the negatives mentioned is the correct
one
...
For example, a friend of mine with whom I play chess often rubs his ear or touches
his nose during the game, but only when he is unsure of his next move
...
I have
discovered that when I signal my intention to move a chess piece by touching it, he
immediately uses gesture clusters that signal what he thinks about my proposed move
...
If, as I
touch my chess piece, he covers his mouth or rubs his nose or ear, it means that he is
uncertain about my move, his next move or both
...
I recently interviewed a young man who had arrived from overseas for a position in
our company
...
Something was obviously worrying him, but at that point in the
interview I did not have sufficient information for an accurate assessment of his
negative gestures
...
His answers were accompanied by a series of eye-rubbing and
nose-touching gestures and he continued to avoid my gaze
...
Being curious about his deceit gestures, I decided to
check his overseas referees and discovered that he had given me false information
about his past
...
During a videotape role play of an interview scene at a management seminar, the
interviewee suddenly covered his mouth and rubbed his nose after he had been asked a
question by the interviewer
...
He
displayed the mouth guard gesture for several seconds before giving his answer, then
returned to his open pose
...
As he thought about the
negative answer and of how the interviewer might react to it, the mouth guard gesture
occurred
...
His uncertainty about the audience’s
possible reaction to the negative reply had caused the sudden mouth guard gesture to
occur
...
It is only by constant study and observation of these
gestures and by having regard to the context in which they occur that one can eventually
learn to reach an accurate assessment of someone’s thoughts
...
A good sales person
senses when he is hitting his client’s ‘hot buttons’, that is, finding out where the buyer’s
interest lies
...
Fortunately a number of hand-to-cheek and hand-to-chin gestures can tell the
sales person how well he is doing
...
The degree of the listener’s boredom is related to the extent
to which his arm and hand are supporting his head
...
When you as a speaker notice these signals, a strategic move must be
made to get the finger drummer or foot tapper involved in your lecture, thus avoiding
his negative effect on the other members of the audience
...
It is worth noting that the speed of the finger tap or foot tap is related to
the extent of the person’s impatience – the faster the taps, the more impatient the
listener is becoming
...
Should the person begin to lose interest but wish
to appear interested, for courtesy’s sake, the position will alter slightly so that the heel
of the palm supports the head, as shown in Figure 61
...
Unfortunately for them, however, as soon as he hand supports the head in any way, it
gives the game away and the president is likely to feel that some of the young managers
are insincere or are using false flattery
...
An easy way for the president to gain their individual attention would be to say
something like, ‘I’m glad that you are paying attention because in a moment I’m going
to ask questions!’ This rivets his listeners’ attention to his speech because of the fear
that they will not be able to answer the questions
...
Often the index finger may rub or pull at the eye as the negative thoughts continue
...
This gesture is a signal that
immediate action is required by the speaker, either by involving the listener in what he
is saying or by ending the speech
...
This gesture is often
mistaken as a signal of interest, but the supporting thumb tells the truth about the
critical attitude (Figure 63)
...
Most, if not all the members of your audience will bring one hand up to their faces and
begin to use evaluation gestures
...
One hand will move to the chin and begin a chin-stroking gesture
...
When
you have asked the listeners for a decision and their gestures have changed from
evaluation to decision-making, the following movements will indicate whether their
decision is negative or positive
...
His best strategy would be a careful observation of the buyer’s next gestures,
which will indicate the decision he has reached
...
He would be wise to review the main
points of the presentation immediately before the buyer verbalises his negative answer
and the sale may be lost
...
Variations of Decision-Making Gestures
Someone who wears glasses often follows evaluation clusters by removing them
and putting one arm of the frame in his mouth instead of using the chin-stroking gesture
when making a decision
...
When a person
places an object such as a pen or a finger in his mouth after having been asked for a
decision, it is a signal that he is unsure and reassurance is needed because the object in
his mouth allows him to stall making an immediate decision
...
Combination Hand-to-Face Clusters
Occasionally the boredom, evaluation and decision-making gestures come in
combinations, each showing an element of the person’s attitude
...
The person is evaluating the proposition, while making decisions at
the same time
...
Figure 67 shows evaluation with the head supported by the thumb as
the listener becomes uninterested
...
A person who uses this when
lying usually avoids your gaze and looks down
...
Let us assume, for example, that you asked a
subordinate to complete a certain task for you and that the subordinate had forgotten to
do it within the time required
...
Although slapping of the head communicates
forgetfulness, the person signals how he feels about you or the situation by the position
used when he slaps his hand on his head, either the forehead or the neck
...
Those who
habitually rub the backs of their necks have a tendency to be negative or critical,
whereas those who habitually rub their foreheads to non-verbalise an error tend to be
more open, easy-going people
...
As children, we hid behind solid objects such as tables, chairs,
furniture and mother’s skirts whenever we found ourselves in a threatening situation
...
During our teens, we learned to make this crossed-arms gesture a little less obvious by
relaxing our arms a little and combining the gesture with crossed legs
...
By folding one or both arms across the chest, a barrier is
formed that is, in essence, at attempt to block out the impending threat or undesirable
circumstances
...
Research conducted into the folded arm position in the United States has shown
some interesting results
...
At the end of the lectures each student was tested on his
retention and knowledge of the subject matter and his attitude toward the lecturer was
recorded
...
The results showed that the group with the folded arms had learned and
retained 38 per cent less than the group who kept its arms unfolded
...
These tests reveal that, when the listener folds his arms, not only has he more
negative thoughts about the speaker, but he is also paying less attention to what is being
said
...
Many people claim that they habitually take the arms folded position because it is
comfortable
...
Remember that in non-verbal communication, the meaning of the message is also in
the receiver, not only the sender
...
Standard Arm-Cross Gesture
Both arms are folded together across the chest as an attempt to ‘hide’ from an
unfavourable situation
...
The standard arm-cross gesture (Figure 70) is a
universal gesture signifying the same defensive or negative attitude almost everywhere
...
During a recent lecture tour in the United States, I opened one particular meeting by
deliberately defaming the character of several highly respected men who were
well-known to the seminar audience and who were attending the conference
...
They were all quite amused when I
pointed out that about 90 per cent of them had taken the folded arms position
immediately after my verbal attack began
...
Many public
speakers have failed to communicate their message to the audience because they have
not seen the folded arms gestures of their listeners
...
When you see the arm-cross gesture occur during a face-to-face encounter, it is
reasonable to assume that you may have said something with which the other person
disagrees, so it may be pointless continuing your line of argument even though the other
person may be verbally agreeing with you
...
Your objective at this point should be to try to discover
the cause of the arms-folded gesture and to move the person into a more receptive
position
...
The attitude causes the gestures to occur and prolonging the gesture forces
the attitude to remain
...
This moves him into a more open posture and attitude
...
Another useful method is to lean forward with your palms facing
up and say, ‘I can see you have a question, what would you like to know?’ or, ‘What do
you think?’ and then sit back to indicate that it is the other person’s turn to speak
...
As a salesman, I would never proceed with the presentation of my
product until I had uncovered the prospective buyer’s reason for suddenly folding his
arms
...
Reinforced Arm-Cross
If as well as the full arm-cross gesture the person has clenched fists, it indicates a
hostile and defensive attitude
...
A submissive
palms-up approach is needed to discover what caused the hostile gestures if the reason
is not already apparent
...
Arm Gripping Gesture
You will notice that this arm-cross gesture is characterised by the hands tightly
gripping the upper arms to reinforce the position and to stop any attempt to unfold the
arms and expose the body
...
This arm-fold style is common to
people sitting in doctors’ and dentists’ waiting-rooms, or first-time air travellers who
are waiting for the plane to lift off
...
In a lawyer’s office the prosecutor may be seen using a fists-clenched arm-cross
while the defence may have taken the arm-gripping position
...
A superior type can make his superiority
felt in the presence of persons he has just met by not folding his arms
...
Having greeted them with a dominant handshake, he
stands at the social distance from the new employees with his hands by his side, behind
his back in the superior palm-in-palm position (see Figure 44), or with one hand in his
...
Conversely,
after shaking hands with the boss, the new employees take full or partial arm-fold
gestures because of their apprehension about being in the presence of the company’s
top man
...
But what
happens when the general manager meets a young, up-and-coming executive who is
also a superior type and who may even feel that he is as important as the general
manager? The likely outcome is that after the two give each other a dominant
handshake, the young executive will take an arm-fold gesture with both thumbs
pointing vertically upwards (Figure 73)
...
The thumbs-up gesture is our way of showing that we
have a self-confident attitude and the folded arms give a feeling of protection
...
If the thumbs-up gesture has come towards the end
of the sales presentation and is combined with many other positive gestures used by the
buyer, the sales person can move comfortably into closing the sale and asking for the
order
...
Instead it is
better if he quickly goes back to his sales presentation and asks more questions to try to
discover the buyer’s objection
...
The ability to read body language allows you to see the
negative decision before it is verbalised and gives you time to take an alternative course
of action
...
Police officers
who wear guns, for example, rarely fold their arms unless they are standing guard and
they normally use the fist-clenched position to show quite clearly that nobody is
permitted to pass where they stand
...
Occasionally we substitute a subtler version - the partial
arm cross, in which one arm swings across the body to hold or touch the other arm to
form the barrier, as shown in Figure 75
...
Another popular version of a partial arm
barrier is holding hands with oneself (Figure 74), a gesture commonly used by people
who stand before a crowd to receive an award or give a speech
...
DISGUISED ARM-CROSS GESTURES
Disguised arm-cross gestures are highly sophisticated gestures used by people who
are continually exposed to others
...
Like all arm-cross gestures, one arm swings across
in front of the body to grasp the other arm but instead of the arms folding, one hand
touches a handbag, bracelet, watch, shirt cuff or other object on or near the other arm
(Figure 76)
...
When
cufflinks were popular, men were often seen adjusting them as they crossed a room or
dance floor where they were in full view of others
...
To the trained observer, however, these
gestures are a dead giveaway because they achieve no real purpose except as an attempt
to disguise nervousness
...
Women are less obvious than men in their use of disguised arm barrier gestures
because they can grasp such things as handbags or purses when they become unsure of
themselves (Figure 77)
...
Did it ever occur to you that you need only one hand to
hold a glass of wine? The use of two hands allows the nervous person to form an almost
undetectable arm barrier
...
Many well-known figures in society also use disguised barrier signals in tense
situations and are usually completely unaware that they are doing so (Figure 78)
...
The purpose of crossing the arms on the chest was originally to
defend the heart and upper body region and crossing the legs is an attempt to shield the
genital area
...
Care should be taken when interpreting crossed
leg gestures with women as many have been taught that this is how to ‘sit like a lady’
...
There are two basic crossed leg-sitting conditions, the standard leg cross and the
figure 4 leg lock
...
This is the
normal crossed-leg position used by European, British, Australian and New Zealand
cultures and may be used to show a nervous, reserved or defensive attitude
...
For example, people often sit like this
during lectures or if they are on uncomfortable chairs for long periods
...
When the crossed legs gesture is combined
with crossed arms (Figure 80), the person has withdrawn from the conversation
...
This pose is popular among women in most countries, particularly to show
their displeasure with a husband or boyfriend
...
It is the
sitting position used by many American males who have a competitive nature
...
I recently addressed a series of meetings in New Zealand where the audience
comprised about 100 managers and 500 sales people
...
A salesman who was
well-known to the audience and who had a reputation as a stirrer was asked to address
the group
...
Their fears were well founded
...
Throughout his speech the sales people in the audience were leaning forward showing
interest, many using evaluation gestures, but the managers held their defensive
positions
...
Almost as if they were players
in an orchestra who had been given a command by the orchestra leader, the managers
shifted to the competitive/argumentative position (Figure 81)
...
I noticed, however, that several managers had not taken this pose
...
In a selling situation it would be unwise to attempt to close the sale and ask for the
order when the buyer takes this position
...
I’d be interested in your opinion’, and then sit back to signify that it is the buyer’s
turn to speak
...
Women who
wear trousers or jeans are also observed sitting in the figure 4 position on occasions
...
This is a sign of
the tough-minded, stubborn individual who may need a special approach to break
through his resistance
...
Observation will also
reveal that they are standing at a greater distance from each other than the customary
one, and that, if they are wearing coats or jackets, they are usually buttoned
...
This is how must people stand when they are among people whom
they do not know well
...
Close investigation reveals that these people are friends or
are known personally to each other
...
The next time you join a group of people who
are standing in the open friendly stance but among
whom you know no-one, stand with your arms and
legs tightly crossed
...
Then walk
away and watch how, one by one, the members of
the group assume their original open pose once
again!
The ‘Opening-Up’ Procedure
As people begin to feel comfortable in a group
and get to know others in it, they move through an
unwritten code of movements taking them from
the defensive crossed arms and legs position to the
relaxed open position
...
Stage l: Defensive position, arms and legs
crossed (Figure 84)
...
Stage 3: The arm folded on top in the arm cross
comes out and the palm is flashed when speaking
but is not tucked back into the arm cross position
...
Stage 4: Arms unfold and one arm gesticulates
or may be placed on the hip or in the pocket
...
Alcohol can speed up this process or eliminate some of the stages
...
This is often a cover-up and it is interesting to note the difference
between a defensive stance and the way a person stands when he or she feels cold
...
Secondly, when a -person feels cold he may fold his arms in a type of body
hug and when the legs are crossed they are usually straight, stiff and pressed hard
against each other (Figure 86), as opposed to the more relaxed leg posture of the
defensive stance or position
...
The Ankle-Lock Gesture
Crossing or folding the arms or legs suggests that a negative or defensive attitude
exists, and this is also the case with the ankle lock gesture
...
The female version varies slightly;
the knees are held together, the feet may be to one side and the hands rest side by side or
one on top of the other resting on the upper legs (Figure 88)
...
The gesture is one of holding back a negative attitude, emotion, nervousness or fear
...
He also found that they had been waiting to say
something or had been trying to control their emotional state
...
In the initial stages of our research with this gesture, we found
that asking questions about the interviewee’s feelings was often unsuccessful in
unlocking his ankles and thus his mind
...
We were recently advising a company on
the effective use of the telephone to contact
customers when we met a young man who had
the unenviable job of calling customers who
had not paid their accounts
...
I asked,
‘How do you enjoy this job?’ He replied, ‘Fine!
It’s a lot of fun
...
‘Are you sure?’ I asked
...
Interestingly, we have noticed
that sales people who do not enjoy using the
telephone sit in the locked ankles position
...
They found that, by using questioning techniques,
they could often encourage him to unlock his ankles and reveal the concession
...
If you are one of these people, remember that any arm or leg position will feel
comfortable when you have a defensive, negative or reserved attitude
...
Women who were teenagers during the mini-skirt era crossed their legs and ankles
for obvious, necessary reasons
...
It is important to take female fashion trends into consideration,
particularly how these may affect the woman’s leg positions, before jumping to
conclusions
...
The top of one foot locks around
the other leg to reinforce a defensive attitude and, when this gesture appears, you can be
sure that the woman has become a mental recluse or has retreated like a tortoise into her
shell
...
This position is common to shy or timid women
...
The sale was unsuccessful and the new salesman could not
understand why he had lost it, because he had followed the sales track perfectly
...
Had the salesman understood the significance of this
gesture, he could have involved her in the sales presentation, and might have achieved a
better result
...
This includes
standing behind a gate, doorway, fence, desk, the open door of his motor vehicle and
straddling a chair (Figure 91)
...
Most chair straddlers
are dominant individuals who will try to take control of other people or groups when
they become bored with the conversation, and the back of the chair serves as good
protection from any ‘attack’ by other members of the group
...
The easiest way to disarm the straddler is to stand or sit behind him, making him
feel vulnerable to attack and forcing him to change his position, becoming less
aggressive
...
But how do you handle a one-to-one confrontation with a straddler on a swivel chair?
It is pointless to try to reason with him, particularly when he is on a swivelling merrygo-round, so the best defence is non-verbal attack
...
This
is very disconcerting to him and he may even fall backwards off his chair in an attempt
to avoid being forced to change position
...
Picking Imaginary Lint
When a person disapproves of the opinions or attitudes of others but feels
constrained in giving his point of view, the non-verbal gestures that occur are known as
displacement gestures, that is, they result from a withheld opinion
...
The lintpicker usually looks away
from the other people towards the floor while performing this minor, irrelevant action
...
Open your palms and say, ‘Well, what do you think?’ or, ‘I can see you have some
thoughts on this
...
If the person says he is in agreement with you
but continues to pick the imaginary lint, you may need to take an even more direct
approach to discover his hidden objection
...
The head nod is a
positive gesture used in most cultures to signify, ‘Yes’, or affirmation
...
The headshake, usually meaning ‘No’, is also claimed by
some to be an inborn action; however, others have theorised that it is the first gesture a
human being learns
...
Similarly, the young
child who has had enough to eat uses the head shake to reject his parent’s attempt to
spoonfeed him
...
Take, for example, the person who verbalises, ‘Yes, I can see your point of
view’, or, ‘I really enjoy working here’, or, ‘We’ll definitely do business after
Christmas’, whilst shaking his head from side to side
...
Basic Head Positions
There are three basic head positions
...
The
head usually remains still and may occasionally give small nods
...
When the head tilts to one side it shows that interest has developed (Figure 94)
...
If you are giving a sales
presentation or delivering a speech, always make a point of looking for this gesture
among your audience
...
Women use this head
position to show interest in an attractive male
...
When the head is down, it signals that the attitude is negative and even judgmental
(Figure 95)
...
As a public speaker, you will often be confronted by an audience whose
members are all seated with head down and arms folded on the chest
...
This is intended to get the audience’s heads up and to get them
involved
...
Both Hands Behind Head
This gesture is typical of such professionals as accountants, lawyers, sales
managers, bank managers or people who are feeling confident, dominant, or superior
about something
...
It is also a gesture used by the ‘know-it-all’ individual
and many people find it irritating when someone does it to them
...
It can also be used as a territorial sign to show that the person has staked a claim to that
particular area
...
There are several ways to handle this gesture, depending on the circumstances in
which it occurs
...
Would you
care to comment?’ Then sit back, palms still visible, and wait for an answer
...
This can be accomplished by placing something just out of his reach and asking, ‘Have
you seen this?’, forcing him to lean forward
...
If you want to show that you agree with the other person, all you need do is
copy his gestures
...
For
example, two lawyers will use the gesture in each other’s presence (Figure 97) to show
equality and agreement, but the mischievous schoolboy would infuriate the school
principal if he used it in his office
...
Research into this gesture showed that in one particular insurance company,
twenty-seven out of thirty sales managers used it regularly in the presence of their sales
people or subordinates but seldom in the presence of their superiors
...
AGGRESSIVE AND READINESS GESTURES
Which gesture is used in the following situations: the young child arguing with his
parent, the athlete waiting for his event to begin and the boxer in the dressing-room
waiting for the bout to start?
In each instance, the individual is seen standing with the hands-on-hips pose, for
this is one of the most common gestures used by man to communicate an aggressive
attitude
...
It has also been called the achiever stance,
related to the goal-directed individual who uses this position when he is ready to tackle
his objectives
...
Men often use this gesture in the presence of women to show an aggressive,
dominant male attitude
...
Males will use it as a
non-verbal challenge to other males who enter their territory
...
Several other gestures can further support your conclusion
...
This position can be further
reinforced by placing the - feet evenly apart on the ground or by adding clenched fists to
the gesture cluster
...
Occasionally the gesture may be done with only one hand on the hip and the other
displaying another gesture (Figure 99)
...
Seated Readiness
One of the most valuable gestures that a negotiator can learn to recognise is seated
readiness
...
Video
replays of insurance sales people interviewing potential buyers revealed that, whenever
the seated readiness gesture followed the chinstroking gesture (decision-making), the
client bought the policy
...
Unfortunately, most sales courses teach sales people
always to ask for the order with little regard for the client’s body position and gestures
...
The seated readiness gesture
is also taken by the angry person who is ready for something else - to throw you out
...
The Starter’s Position
The readiness gestures that signal a desire to end a conversation or encounter are
leaning forward with both hands on both knees, Figure 101) or leaning forward with
both hands gripping the chair (Figure 102)
...
This allows you
to maintain a psychological advantage and to keep the control
...
It is one of the most common gestures used in
television Westerns to show viewers the virility of their favourite gunslinger (Figure
103)
...
Men use this gesture to stake their territory or to show
other men that they are unafraid
...
This gesture, combined with expanded pupils and one foot pointing toward a female,
is easily decoded by most women
...
This
cluster has always been predominantly male, but the fact that women wear jeans and
trousers has allowed them to use the same cluster (Figure 104), although they usually
only do it when wearing pants or trousers
...
Male-Male Aggression
Figure 105 shows two men sizing each other up, using the characteristic
hands-on-hips and thumbs-in-belt gestures
...
Their conversation may be casual or friendly but a completely
relaxed atmosphere will not exist until their hands-on-hips gestures cease and open
palm gestures are used
...
Nine
Eye Signals
Throughout history, we have been preoccupied with the eye and its effect on human
behaviour
...
When we use these phrases we unwittingly refer to the
size of the person’s pupils and to his or her gaze behaviour
...
In given light conditions, the pupils will dilate or contract as the person’s attitude
and mood change from positive to negative and vice versa
...
Conversely, an angry,
negative mood causes the pupils to contract to what are commonly known as ‘beady
little eyes’ or ‘snake eyes’
...
If a woman loves a man, she will dilate her
pupils at him and he will decode this signal correctly, without knowing he does so
...
Young lovers who look deeply into each other’s eyes unknowingly look for pupil
dilation; each becomes excited by the dilation of the other’s pupils
...
When the same
films are shown to women their pupil dilation is even greater than that recorded by the
men, which raises some doubt about the statement that women are less stimulated by
pornography than men
...
Tests conducted with expert card players show that fewer games were won by the
experts when their opponents wore dark glasses
...
Dark glasses worn bythe opponents eliminated pupil signals and as a result the experts
won fewer games than usual
...
Centuries ago, prostitutes put
drops of belladonna in their eyes to dilate their pupils and to make themselves appear
more desirable
...
An old cliché says, ‘Look a person in the eye when you talk to him
...
GAZE BEHAVIOUR
It is only when you see ‘eye to eye’ with another person that a real basis for
communication can be established
...
This has to do primarily with the length of time that they look at us
or hold our gaze as they speak
...
When a person’s gaze
meets yours for more than twothirds of the time, it can mean one of two things; first, he
or she finds you very interesting or appealing, in which case the gaze will be associated
with dilated pupils; secondly, he or she is hostile towards you and may be issuing a
non-verbal challenge, in which case the pupils will become constricted
...
This
causes B to think that A likes him, so B will like A in return
...
This will also make him begin to like you
...
of the time is rarely
trusted
...
Like most body language and gestures, the length of time that one person gazes at
another is culturally determined
...
Always be sure to consider cultural circumstances before jumping to
conclusions
...
These signals are transmitted and received non-verbally and
are accurately interpreted by the receiver
...
The Business Gaze (Figure 109)
When having discussions on a business level, imagine that there is a triangle on the
other person’s forehead
...
Provided that your
gaze does not drop below the level of the other person’s eyes, you are able to maintain
control of the interaction
...
Experiments into gazing reveal that during social encounters the gazer’s eyes
also look in a triangular area on the other person’s face, in this case between the eyes
and the mouth
...
In
close encounters it is the triangular area between the eyes and the chest or breasts and
for distant gazing from the eyes to the crotch
...
Sideways Glance
The sideways glance is used to communicate either interest or hostility
...
If it is combined with down-turned eyebrows,
furrowed brow or the corners of the mouth down-turned, it signals a suspicious, hostile
or critical attitude
...
If you were a manager
who was going to reprimand a lazy employee, which gaze would you use? If you used
the social gaze, the employee would take less heed of your words, regardless of how
loud or threatening you sounded
...
The
business gaze is the appropriate one to use, as it has a powerful effect on the receiver
and tells him that you are serious
...
If a man or woman wants to play hard to get, he or she
needs only avoid using the intimate gaze and instead use the social gaze
...
The point is that when you use the intimate gaze on a potential sex partner,
you give the game away
...
Men are usually obvious when they use the
intimate gaze and they are generally unaware of having been given an intimate gaze,
much to the frustration of the woman who has transmitted it
...
This gesture occurs unconsciously and is an attempt by the
person to block you from his sight because he has become bored or uninterested in you
or feels that he is superior to you
...
The ultimate blockout is to leave
the eyes closed and to fall asleep, but this rarely happens during one-to-one encounters
...
When you see an eye block gesture during a conversation, it is a signal that the
approach you are using may be causing a negative reaction and that a new tack is
needed if effective communication is to take place (Figure 112)
...
Research shows
that of the information relayed to a person’s brain, 87 per cent comes via the eyes, 9 per
cent via the ears, and 4 per cent via the other senses
...
If the message is
related to the visual aid, he will absorb only 25 to 30 per cent of your message if he is
looking at the visual aid
...
Next,
lift the pen from the visual aid and hold it between his eyes and your own eyes (Figure
114)
...
Be sure that the palm of your other hand is visible when you are
speaking
...
Whenever he attends a social function he can quickly ‘psych out’ the
available women, make his choice and, in almost record-breaking time (sometimes as
little as ten minutes), he may be seen heading towards the exit with the woman,
escorting her to his car and drilling back to his apartment
...
He seems to have built-in radar for finding the right girl at the right time and
getting her to go with him
...
Research into animal courtship behaviour conducted by zoologists and behavioural
scientists reveals that male and female animals use a series of intricate courtship
gestures, some quite obvious and others extremely subtle, and that most are done
subconsciously
...
For example, in several species of bird, the male
struts around the female giving a vocal display, puffing up his feathers and performing
many intricate body movements to gain her attention, while the female appears to
display little or no interest
...
Graham’s technique was to display male courtship gestures to the prospective
females and those who were interested would respond with the appropriate female
courtship signals, giving Graham the non-verbal green light to proceed with a more
intimate approach
...
Women are aware of the courtship gestures, as they are aware of most other
body gestures, but men are far less perceptive, often being totally blind to them
...
Men, on the other hand, described him as ‘aggressive’, ‘insincere’, and
‘arrogant’; their reaction to the aggressive competition that Graham represented
...
‘What gestures and body movements do people use to communicate desire for involvement?’ is frequently asked
...
You will note that more space is devoted to female
courtship signals than to male signals; this is because women have a greater range of
courtship signals than men
...
How we learn these signals is difficult to explain and a
popular theory is that they may be inborn
...
He found that high muscle tone became evident in
preparation for a possible sexual encounter, ‘bagging’ around the face and eyes
decreased, body sagging disappeared, the chest protruded, the stomach was
automatically pulled in, pot-bellied slumping disappeared, the body assumed an erect
posture and the person appeared to become more youthful in appearance
...
The changes take place when the man and woman are close
enough to meet each other’s gaze and continue until after they have passed each other,
at which time the original posture returns (Figures 115 to 117)
...
In addition to the automatic physiological reactions already
mentioned, he will reach for his throat and straighten his tie
...
He may also preen himself by smoothing his
hair
...
He may also turn his body towards her and point his foot at her
...
If he is
really keen his pupils will be dilated
...
When seated or leaning against a wall, he may also spread his legs to give a crotch
display
...
Women, as we shall see, have more lures and fishing skills to land their fish than any
male could ever hope to acquire
...
They also adopt
the thumbs-in-belt gesture which, although it is a male aggression gesture, is used with
feminine subtlety; only one thumb tucked into a belt or protruding from a handbag or
pocket is displayed
...
Other female courtship signals follow
...
Even women with short hair may use this gesture
...
The wrist area has long been considered one of the highly erotic
areas of the body
...
Women who smoke cigarettes find this tantalising wrist/palm exposure quite simple to
perform while smoking
...
Open Legs
The legs are opened wider than they would normally have been if the male had not
arrived on the scene
...
Rolling Hips
The hips have an accentuated roll when walking to highlight the pelvic region
...
Sideways Glance
With partially dropped eyelids, the woman holds the man’s gaze just long enough
for him to notice, then she quickly looks away
...
Mouth Slightly Open, Wet Lips
Dr Desmond Morris describes this as ‘selfmimicry’ as it is intended to symbolise
the female genital region
...
Both give the woman the appearance of sexual invitation
...
The use of lipstick is a technique thousands of
years old that is intended to mimic the reddened genitals of the sexually aroused female
...
Sideways Glance Over Raised Shoulder
This is self-mimicry of the rounded female breasts
...
Female Leg Cross Gestures
Men often sit with their legs apart in an aggressive crotch display, whereas women
use leg crossing as protection for their delicate genital area
...
With the knee point (Figure 121), one leg is tucked under the other and points to the
person whom she finds interesting
...
The shoe fondle (Figure 122) also indicates a relaxed attitude and has the phallic
effect of thrusting the foot in and out of the shoe, which can drive some men wild
...
It is a gesture that women consciously use to attract
attention
...
Other signals used by women include crossing and uncrossing the legs slowly in
front of the man and gently stroking the thighs with her hand, indicating a desire to be
touched
...
Eleven
Cigars, Cigarettes, Pipes and Glasses
SMOKING GESTURES
Smoking is an outward manifestation of an inner turmoil or conflict and has little to
do with nicotine addiction
...
For example, most people experience inner tension while waiting outside
the dentist’s surgery to have a tooth removed
...
Smoking gestures can play an important part in assessing a person’s attitude, as
they are usually performed in a predictable, ritualistic manner that can give us
important clues to the person’s attitude
...
Sales research has shown that pipe smokers usually take longer to make
a decision to buy than do cigarette smokers or non-smokers and that the pipe ritual is
performed most often during the tense moments
...
Pipe smokers, it
seems, are people who like to stall decision-making and who can do so in an
unobtrusive and socially acceptable way
...
Cigarette Smokers
Like pipe smoking, cigarette smoking is a displacement of inner tension and allows
time to stall, but the cigarette smoker generally reaches his decision faster than the pipe
smoker
...
The cigarette ritual involves tapping,
twisting, flicking, waving and other mini-gestures indicating that the person is
experiencing more tension than may be normal
...
A person who is feeling positive, superior or confident will
blow the smoke in an upward direction most of the time
...
Blowing down and from the corner of the mouth indicates an even more negative
or secretive attitude
...
In motion pictures, the leader of a motorcycle gang or criminal syndicate is usually
portrayed as a tough, aggressive person who, as he smokes, tilts his head back sharply
and with controlled precision blows the smoke awards the ceiling to demonstrate his
superiority to the rest of the gang
...
There also appears to be a relationship between how positive or negative the
person feels and ie speed at which he or she exhales the poke
...
If a card player who is smoking is dealt a god hand, he is likely to blow the smoke
upwards, whereas a poor hand may cause him blow it downwards
...
If, for example, a poker
layer were dealt four aces and he wanted to bluff the other players, he could throw the
cards face down on the table in disgust and then curse, swear or fold his arms and put on
a non-verbal display that would indicate that he had been dealt a poor hand
...
Observation of smoking gestures in
selling shows that when a smoker is asked to buy, those who have reached a positive
decision blow the smoke upwards, whereas those who have decided not to buy blow it
downwards
...
Blowing smoke out through the nostrils is a sign of a superior, confident individual
...
If the
person’s head is down as he nose-blows the smoke, he is angry and is trying to look
ferocious, like an angry bull
...
The big-time business executive, the gang leader and people in
high-status positions often smoke cigars
...
It is not surprising that most of the smoke exhaled by cigar smokers
is upwards
...
General Smoking Signals
The continual tapping of a cigar or cigarette end on the ashtray shows that an inner
conflict is taking place and that you may need to reassure the smoker
...
Most smokers smoke their cigarette down to a
certain length before extinguishing it in the ashtray
...
Watching for this termination signal can allow you to take
control or to close the conversation, making it appear that it was your idea to end it
...
One
of the most common gestures is placing one arm of the frame in the mouth (Figure 127)
...
Smokers use their cigarettes for the same reason, and the child sucks his thumb
...
In negotiating, it has been found that this gesture appears most frequently at the
close of the discussion when the person has been asked for a decision
...
When this gesture is seen immediately after
a decision has been asked for, silence is the best tactic
...
For example, if the person puts the glasses back
on, this often means that he wants to ‘see’ the facts again, whereas folding the glasses
and putting them away signals an intention to terminate the conversation
...
Often the person may be wearing reading glasses and finds it more
convenient to look over the tops, rather than removing them to look at the other person
...
Looking over the glasses can be a very costly mistake, as the listener
inevitably responds to this look with folded arms, crossed leggy and a correspondingly
negative attitude
...
This not only relaxes the other person but allows the glasses wearer to
have control of the conversation
...
Twelve
Territorial and Ownership Gestures
TERRITORIAL GESTURES
People lean against other people or objects to show a territorial claim to that object
or person
...
For example, if you are going to
take a photograph of a friend and his new car, boat, home or other personal belonging,
you will inevitably find that he leans against his newly acquired property, putting his
foot on it or his arm around it (Figure 130)
...
Young
lovers continually hold hands or put their arms around one another in public and social
situations to show others the claim that they have on each other
...
However, an easy way to intimidate someone is to lean against, sit upon or use their
possessions without their permission
...
One is to lean against the doorway
in another’s office or to inadvertently sit in his chair
...
Some people, like the man shown in Figure 131, are habitual doorway leaners and
go through life intimidating most people from the first introduction
...
People form 90 per cent of their opinion about you in the first
ninety seconds of meeting you, and you never get a second chance to make a first
impression!
OWNERSHIP GESTURES
Management personnel are particularly guilty of continually using the following
gestures
...
It would be normal to assume that the position of the man in Figure 132 reflects an
easygoing, relaxed and carefree attitude, because that is in fact what it is
...
It is common to see two close friends seated like this, laughing and joking with each
other, but let’s consider the impact and meaning of this gesture in different
circumstances
...
As the employee
explains, he leans forward in the chair, his hands on his knees, his face down and
looking dejected and his tone of voice lowered
...
In these
circumstances the boss’s attitude has changed to lack of concern or indifference
because of his carefree gesture
...
A further question needs to be answered:
what is the boss indifferent about? He may
have considered the employee’s problem,
decided that it’s not really a major one and he
may even have become uninterested in or
indifferent towards the employee
...
He may even terminate the
discussion by telling his employee that he need
not worry and that the problem will simply go
away
...
If the boss’s chair has no arms (which is
unlikely; this is usually the visitor’s chair) he
may be seen with one or both feet on the desk (Figure 133)
...
These gestures can be quite annoying if they occur during negotiation, and it is vital
that the person should change to a different position because the longer he stays in the
leg-over-chair or feet-on-desk position, the longer he will have an indifferent or hostile
attitude
...
Thirteen
Carbon Copies and Mirror Images
The next time you attend a social function or go to a place where people meet and
interact, take note of the number of people who have adopted the identical gestures and
posture of the person with whom they are talking
...
By
this method, one is non-verbally saying to the other, ‘As you can see, I think the same as
you, so I will copy your posture and gestures
...
Take for example, the two
men standing at the hotel bar in Figure 134
...
If one man uncrosses his arms and legs or stands on the
other foot, the other will follow
...
This
copying also occurs among good friends or people at the same status level and it is
common to see married couples walk, stand, sit and move in identical ways
...
The
significance of carbon copying can be one of the most important non-verbal lessons we
can learn, for this is one way that others tell us that they agree with us or like us
...
If an employer wishes to develop an immediate rapport and create a relaxed
atmosphere with an employee, he need only copy the employee’s posture to achieve
this end
...
Using this knowledge, it is possible to
influence a face-to-face encounter by copying the positive gestures and postures of the
other person
...
When I was selling insurance I found this a very effective technique for a ‘cold’
prospective customer
...
Invariably, if the prospect began copying my gestures, a sale would result
...
Let’s say, for
example, that the junior clerk of a large corporation has asked for a pay rise and is
called into the manager’s office
...
What would happen if the clerk then copied the manager’s
dominant posture while discussing his potential salary rise (Figure 136)?
Even if the clerk’s verbal communication were on the subordinate level, the
manager would feel intimidated and even insulted by the clerk’s non-verbal behaviour
and the clerk’s job could be in jeopardy
...
Accountants, lawyers and
management personnel are known for assuming these postures in the presence of
people whom they consider inferior
...
Research shows that when the leader of a group uses certain gestures and positions,
subordinates copy them
...
When a group of executives walk into a room, the boss usually goes first
...
If the boss sits with a hands-behind-head T-cross gesture
(Figure 96), his subordinates will copy
...
For example, if the husband is doing all the talking and the wife sits there saying
nothing, but you notice that the husband copies his wife’s gestures, you will inevitably
find that she makes the decisions and writes the cheques, so it is a good idea to direct
your presentation to her
...
We refer to a
member of Royalty as ‘Your Highness’, whereas individuals who commit unsavoury
acts are called ‘low’
...
Despite what many people would like to believe, tall people command more
authority than short people, but height can also be detrimental to some aspects of
one-to-one communication where you need to ‘talk on the same level’ or have an
‘eye-to-eye’ discussion with another person
...
The
modern salute is a relic of the act of body lowering
...
In business, the people
who continually ‘bow’ to the management are labelled with such derogatory name tags
as ‘bootlickers’ or ‘crawlers’
...
It is possible to avoid intimidating others by consciously making yourself appear
smaller in relation to them, so let us examine the non-verbal aspects of the situation in
which you have been speeding in your car and are stopped by the police
...
The nonverbal negatives of this
behaviour are: (1) The officer is forced to leave his territory (the patrol car) and come
across to your territory (your vehicle)
...
(3) By remaining in
your car, you create a barrier between yourself and the policeman
...
Instead, try this if you are
flagged down: (1) Get immediately out of your car (your territory) and go over to the
police officer’s car (his territory)
...
(2) Stoop your body over so that you are smaller than he is
...
(4) With your palms out,
in a trembling voice, ask him not to give you a ticket
...
The same technique can be used to calm an irate customer who is returning some
faulty goods to a retail store
...
Control of an irate customer would be difficult if the
storekeeper remained on his own side of the counter, and this staking-out of territory
would make the customer angrier
...
Interestingly, there are some circumstances under which lowering the body can be a
dominance signal
...
It is the complete informality on the other person’s territory that communicates the dominant or aggressive
attitude
...
Fifteen
Pointers
Have you ever had the feeling that
someone to whom you are talking would
rather be elsewhere than with you, even
though he or she seems to be enjoying your
company? A still photograph of that scene
would probably reveal the following: (1) The
person’s head is turned towards you and facial
signals such as smiling and nodding are
evident
...
The
direction in which a person points his or her
torso or feet is a signal of where he or she
would prefer to be going
...
The man on the left is trying to hold
the other man’s attention, but his listener
wishes to continue in the direction to which
his body is pointing, although his head is
turned to acknowledge the other man’s
presence
...
It is noticeable that often in negotiations, when one person has decided to terminate
the negotiation or wants to leave, he will turn his body or swing his feet to point towards
the nearest exit
...
ANGLES AND TRIANGLES
Open Formation
In an earlier chapter, we stated that the physical distance between people is related
to their degree of intimacy
...
For example, people in most
English speaking countries stand with their bodies oriented to form an angle of 90
degrees during ordinary social intercourse
...
This also serves as a nonverbal invitation for a third person to join in the conversation by standing at the third
point
...
The formation of the triangle invites a third
person of similar status to join the conversation
...
Closed Formation
When intimacy or privacy is required by two people, the angle formed by their
torsos decreases from 90 degrees down to 0 degrees
...
Not only does he point his body towards her, but he also closes the distance
between them as he moves into her intimate zone
...
The
distance between two people standing in the closed formation is usually less than that of
the open formation
...
Like some other courtship gestures, the
closed formation can be used as a non-verbal challenge between people who are hostile
to each other (see Figure 106)
...
Figure 142 shows the triangular
formation taken by the first two to show acceptance of the third
...
If the third person is not
accepted, the others will hold the closed formation position and turn only their heads
towards him or her as a sign of recognition of the third person’s presence but the
direction of their torsos shows that he is not invited to remain (Figure 143)
...
This group formation is a clear signal to the third person that
he should leave the group to avoid embarrassment
...
If the other person also becomes interested, he or she will cross knees towards
the first person, as shown in Figure 144
...
The only way in which the man on the right could participate in the
conversation would be to move a chair to a position in front of the couple and attempt to
form a triangle, or take some other action to break the formation
...
Let
us also assume that person A is very talkative and
asks many questions and that person B remains
silent throughout
...
This technique lets B feel involved in the conversation and is particularly useful if you
need to have B on side with you
...
Imagine that you are at a social function and you notice a group of three men
and one very attractive woman (Figure 146)
...
Then you notice something interesting - the
men all have one foot pointing towards the woman
...
Subconsciously, the
woman sees the foot gestures and is likely to remain with the group for as long as she is
receiving this attention
...
You will also notice that she is giving a sideways
glance to the man who is using the thumbs-in-belt gesture
...
To
achieve this objective, you feel that you will need to use direct questions that require
direct answers and may put the subordinate under pressure
...
How can you non-verbally convey these
attitudes using body formations? Leaving aside interview and questioning techniques
for these illustrations, consider the following points: (1) The fact that the counselling
session is in your office and that you are the boss allows you to move from behind your
desk to the employee’s side of the desk (the co-operative position) and still maintain
unspoken control
...
(3) You should be sitting on a swivel chair with
arms, giving you more control and letting you eliminate some of your own giveaway
gestures by allowing you to move around
...
Like the standing triangular position, the open triangular formation lends an
informal, relaxed attitude to the meeting and is a good position in which to open a
counselling session (Figure 147)
...
As they do in
the standing position, both torsos point to a third mutual point to form a triangle; this
can show mutual agreement
...
Combine this position with the business gaze (Figure 149) and reduced body and facial
gestures and your subject will feel tremendous nonverbal pressure
...
When you position your body at a right angle away from your subject, you take the
pressure off the interview (Figure 149)
...
If the nut you are trying to crack is a difficult
one, you may need to revert to the direct body point technique to get to the facts
...
The right angle
position allows the other person to think and act independently, without non-verbal
pressure from you
...
These techniques take much practice to master but they can become ‘natural’ movements before long
...
In your day-to-day encounters with
others, foot pointing, body pointing and positive gesture clusters such as open arms,
visible palms, leaning forward, head tilting and smiling can make it easy for others not
only to enjoy your company, but to be influenced by your point of view
...
Aspects of their attitude toward you can be revealed in the
position they take in relation to you
...
Research conducted with white
middle-class Americans showed that seating positions in the public bar of an hotel can
vary from the seating positions taken in a high-class restaurant and that the direction in
which the seats are facing and the distance between tables can have a distorting
influence on seating behaviour
...
Because of a wide range of moderating circumstances, the following examples
relate primarily to seating arrangements in an office environment with a standard
rectangular desk
...
B1: The corner position
B2: The co-operative position
B3: The competitive-defensive position
B4: The independent position
The Corner Position (B1)
This position is normally used by people who are engaged in friendly, casual
conversation
...
The corner of the
desk provides a partial barrier should one person begin to feel threatened, and this
position avoids territorial division on the top of the table
...
By simply moving the chair to position B1 you
can relieve a tense atmosphere and increase the chances of a favourable negotiation
...
It is one of the most strategic positions for
presenting a case and having it accepted
...
This is also a
highly successful position to take when a third party is introduced into the negotiation
by B, the sales person
...
The
following strategy would be most suitable
...
The sales person
can sit either at position B2 (co-operative) or B1 (corner)
...
This
position is often known as ‘siding with the opposition’
...
This position is taken by people
who are either competing with each other or if one is reprimanding the other
...
Argyle noted that an experiment conducted in a doctor’s office showed that the
presence or absence of a desk had a significant effect on whether a patient was at ease
or not
...
This figure increased to 55 per cent when
the desk was absent
...
For example, it may be that A is a manager who must severely
reprimand employee B, and the competitive position can strengthen the reprimand
...
Whatever line of business you are in, if it involves dealing with people, you are in
the influencing business and your objective should always be to see the other person’s
point of view, to put him or her at ease and make him or her feel right about dealing
with you; the competitive position does not lead towards this end
...
Conversations are shorter and more specific in this
position than from any other
...
Each claims half as his own territory and will reject
the other’s encroaching upon it
...
Here is a simple test that you can conduct at a restaurant which demonstrates how a
person will react to invasion of his territory
...
We sat at a small rectangular restaurant table which
was too small to allow me to take the comer position so I was forced to sit in the
competitive position
...
I picked up the menu, read it, and then pushed it across into the other man’s
territory
...
I then picked it up again, read it, and placed it back in his territory
...
The ashtray
was in the middle of the table and, as I ashed my cigarette, I pushed it into his territory
...
Again, quite casually, I ashed my cigarette and pushed the ashtray back to
his side
...
Then I pushed the salt and pepper shakers across the centre line
...
When I pushed the napkins across
to his side it was all too much and he excused himself and went to the toilet
...
When I returned to the table I found that all the table
items had been pushed back to the centre line!
This simple, effective game demonstrates the tremendous resistance that a person
has to the invasion of his territory
...
There will be occasions on which it may be difficult or inappropriate to take the
corner position to present your case
...
First, place the article on the table (Figure 155)
...
If he leans forward to look at it, you must deliver your presentation from where you
sit as this action non-verbally tells you that he does not want you on his side of the desk
...
If, however, he pushes it back, you’re in trouble! The golden rule is never to encroach on the
other person’s territory unless you have been given verbal or non-verbal permission to
do so or you will put them offside
...
It signifies lack of
interest and can even be interpreted as hostile by the other person if the territorial
boundaries are invaded
...
SQUARE, ROUND, RECTANGULAR TABLES
Square Table (Formal)
As previously mentioned, square tables create a competitive or defensive
relationship between people of equal status
...
The most
co-operation usually comes from the person seated beside you and the one on the right
tends to be more co-operative than the one on the left
...
Round Table (Informal)
King Arthur used the Round Table as an attempt to give each of his knights an equal
amount of authority and status
...
Removing the table and
sitting in a circle also promotes the same result
...
The king held the most power at the
Round Table and this meant that the knights seated on either side of him were
non-verbally granted the next highest amount of power, the one on his right having a
little more than the one on the left, and the amount of power diminished relative to the
distance that each knight was seated away from the king
...
Many of today’s business executives use both square and round tables
...
The round table, often a coffee table with wraparound seating, is used to create an informal relaxed atmosphere or to persuade
...
In a
meeting of people of equal status the person sitting at position A will have the most
influence, assuming that he does not have his back to the door
...
Assuming that A was in the best power position, person B has the
next most authority, then C, then D
...
The Dining Table at Home
The choice of the shape of a family dining room table can give a clue to the power
distribution in that family, assuming that the dining-room could have accommodated a
table of any shape and that the table shape was selected after considerable thought
...
GETTING A DECISION OVER DINNER
Bearing in mind what has already been said about human territories and the use of
square, rectangular and round tables, let us now look at the dynamics of taking a person
to dinner where the objective is to obtain a favourable response to a proposition
...
Anthropologists tell us that man’s origin was that of a tree-dweller who was strictly
vegetarian, his diet consisting of roots, leaves, berries, fruit and the like
...
Prior to his becoming a land dweller, man’s eating habits were those of the monkeys involving continual nibbling throughout the day
...
As a hunter, however,
he needed the co-operation of other individuals to capture large prey, so large
co-operative hunting groups were formed
...
These were then divided
equally among the hunters, who would eat inside a communal cave
...
Each caveman sat with his back against the wall of the cave to avoid
the possibility of being attacked from behind while he was engrossed in eating his meal
...
This ancient process of food sharing at dusk around an open fire was
the beginning of a social event that modern man re-enacts in the form of barbecues,
cookouts and dinner parties
...
Now to our restaurant or dinner party
...
To achieve this end, and keeping in mind what has already been
said about our ancestors, a few simple rules need to be followed
...
Research shows that respiration, heart rate,
brain wave frequencies and blood pressure rapidly increase when a person sits with his
back to an open space, particularly where others are moving about
...
Next, the lights should be dimmed and muffled background music played
...
It would be best to use a round
table and to have your prospect’s view of other people obscured by a screen or large
green plant if you are to have a captive audience
...
Top restaurants use these types of
relaxation techniques to extract large amounts of money from their customer’s wallets
for ordinary food, and men have been using them for thousands of years to create a
romantic atmosphere for the benefit of their women
...
Certain strategies using chairs and seating arrangements can create this atmosphere in
an office
...
Chair Size and Accessories
The height of the back of the chair raises or lowers a person’s status and the
high-backed chair is a well-known example
...
Kings, queens, popes and other
high-status people may have the back of their throne or official chair as high as 250
centimetres (over 8 feet) to show their status relative to their subjects; the senior
executive has a high-backed leather chair and his visitor’s chair has a low back
...
Fixed chairs allow little or no
movement and this lack of movement is compensated by body gestures that can reveal a
person’s attitudes and feelings
...
Chair Height
The acquisition of power using height was covered in Chapter 14 but it is worth
noting that status is gained if your chair is adjusted higher off the floor than the other
person’s
...
A common ploy is to have the ashtray just out of the visitor’s reach,
which forces him to be inconvenienced when ashing his cigarette
...
A common power play
is to place the visitor’s chair as far away as possible from the executive’s desk into the
social or public territory zone, which further reduces the visitor’s status
...
Here is
a case study showing how we rearranged a person’s office to help solve some of his
supervisor/ employee relationship problems
...
After a few months in the role, John found
that the other employees disliked dealing with him and his relationship with them was
occasionally hostile, particularly when they were in his office
...
Our observations of John’s plight revealed that the
communication breakdowns were at their worst when the employees were in his office
...
Here is a summary of our observations and
conclusions about John’s office layout
...
The visitor’s chair was placed in the competitive position in relation to John
...
The walls of the office were timber panels except for an outside window and a
clear glass partition that looked into the general office area
...
3
...
4
...
5
...
6
...
The visitor’s
chair was a plain low-backed chair with fixed legs and no arm rests
...
To rectify the problem the following rearrangements were made
...
John’s desk was placed in front of the glass partition, making his office appear
bigger and allowing him to be visible to those who entered his office
...
The ‘hot seat’ was placed in the comer position, making communication more
open and allowing the corner to act as a partial barrier when necessary
...
The glass partition was sprayed with a mirror finish, allowing John to see out, but
not permitting others to see in
...
4
...
5
...
6
...
The result was that supervisor/employee relationships improved and the employees
began describing John as an easygoing and relaxed supervisor
...
Some examples include:
1
...
2
...
3
...
4
...
5
...
6
...
7
...
Large, bulky briefcases are carried by
those who do all the work
...
Unfortunately, most executive offices are arranged like the one in Figure 163; rarely is
consideration given to the negative non-verbal signals that are unwittingly
communicated to others
...
Eighteen
Putting It All Together
Communication through body language has been going on for over a million years
but has only been scientifically studied to any extent in the last twenty years or so; it
became popular during the 1970s
...
This book has served as an
introduction to body language and I encourage you to seek further knowledge through
your own research and experience and through the examples given
...
Conscious
observation of your own actions and those of others is the best way for each person to
gain a better understanding of the communication methods of the earth’s most complex
and interesting beast - man himself
...
However, before you read the notes, study each picture sequence
and see how many you can interpret through what you have read in this book
...
Clusters, Circumstances and Gestures in Daily Encounters
Figure 165 A good example of an openness cluster
...
The head is in the neutral position and the arms and legs are apart
...
Figure 166 This is a classic deceit cluster
...
His head is
turned away and down, showing a negative attitude
...
Figure 167Inconsistency of gestures is obvious here
...
Figure 168 This woman disapproves of the person at whom she is looking
...
Figure 169 Dominance, superiority and territoriality are evident here
...
To further highlight his status he has a high-status, leaning-back
chair with wheels and he has a telephone with a lock on it
...
Figure 170 The hands-on-hips gesture is used by the child to make herself appear
larger and more threatening
...
Figure 171This cluster can be summed up in one word - negative
...
His coat is buttoned and his sunglasses hide any eye or pupil signals
...
Considering that people form 90 per cent of their opinion of someone in the first ninety
seconds it is unlikely that this man will ever get to first base with another person
...
The
man on the left is less aggressive than the man on the right as he is leaning backwards
and his body is pointing away from the man on the right
...
His
facial expression is also consistent with his body gestures
...
He is also using the direct body point
at the man on the right
...
The man in the centre feels superior to the other
two because of the hands-behind-head gesture he has taken
...
He has a high-status
chair that swivels, leans back and has wheels and arm rests
...
His arms and legs are
tightly crossed (defensive) and his head is down (hostile), indicating that he does not
buy what he hears
...
She has one foot
forward, pointing towards the man on the far left (interest), a combination of
hand-on-hip and thumb-in-belt (sexual readiness), her left wrist is exposed and she is
blowing cigarette smoke upwards (confident; positive)
...
His head is up (interested)
...
He has his palms out of
sight and is blowing his cigarette smoke down (negative)
...
Figure 175The man on the left is using superiority gestures and appears to have an
arrogant attitude towards the man sitting opposite
...
Defensiveness is also evident as his knees are held tightly
together and he is holding his wine glass with both hands to form a barrier
...
He does, however, seem quite aloof as shown by his
thumbsin-waistcoat gesture (superiority), he is leaning back on his chair and is using a
crotch display
...
The man on the right has heard
enough and has taken the starter’s position (ready to leave) and his foot and body are
pointed toward the nearest exit
...
Figure 176The man on the left and the man on the right have taken the closed body
formation to show the middle man that he is not accepted into the conversation
...
The man on the left of
this sequence is also unimpressed with the middle man’s attitude
...
Figure 177This sequence also shows a tense atmosphere
...
The man on the
right is causing the problem because of his negative gesture cluster
...
His lack of concern about the other men’s
opinions is shown by the leg-over-chair gesture and his body is pointed away from
them
...
The man in the middle would like to say something but is
holding back his opinion, shown by his selfrestraint gesture of gripping the arms of the
chair and locked ankles
...
Figure 178In this scene the man on the left and the woman have mirrored each
other’s gestures and are forming ‘bookends’ on the couch
...
The man in the
middle has a tightlipped smile which can make him appear interested in what the other
man has to say but it is not consistent with his other facial and body gestures
...
In addition to this, his arms and legs are tightly crossed
(defensive), all indicating that he has a very negative attitude
...
Unfortunately for him, however,
his story is not going across
...
The man
in the middle is using the raised steeple gesture, indicating that he feels confident or
superior, and he is sitting in the figure 4 leg position, showing that his attitude is
competitive or argumentative
...
The following three figures show a party scene that demonstrates typical defence,
aggression and courtship gesture clusters
...
The man on the right is very interested in the
woman as he has turned his right foot around to point at her and he is giving her a
sideways glance, combined with raised eyebrows (interest) and a smile; he is leaning
towards her with the upper part of his body
...
The woman has uncrossed her
legs and is standing in a neutral position, while the man on the left of the sequence has
uncrossed his legs and is pointing one foot at her (interest)
...
He is also standing straighter to make himself appear bigger
...
Figure 182The attitudes and emotions of those people are now clearly shown by
their gestures
...
His thumbs are also gripping his belt much tighter to make the gesture more
noticeable and his body has become even more erect
...
She has uncrossed her arms, turned her body toward him and is pointing one
foot at him
...
The man on the right appears unhappy about being
excluded and is using the hands-on-hips gesture (aggressive readiness) to show his
displeasure
...
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