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Body
Language
FOR

DUMmIES

‰

Body
Language
FOR

DUMmIES
by Elizabeth Kuhnke

‰

Body Language For Dummies®
Published by
John Wiley & Sons, Ltd
The Atrium
Southern Gate
Chichester
West Sussex
PO19 8SQ
England
E-mail (for orders and customer service enquires): cs-books@wiley
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Copyright © 2007 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex, England
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex
All Rights Reserved
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All other trademarks are the
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, is not associated with any product or vendor
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ISBN: 978-0-470-51291-3
Printed and bound in Great Britain by Bell and Bain Ltd, Glasgow
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

About the Author
Elizabeth Kuhnke holds a Bachelor’s degree in Speech and Communications
from Northwestern University, and a Masters degree in Theatre Arts
...

Before moving to Britain, Elizabeth acted throughout the United States on the
stage, radio, and television
...

In the United Kingdom, Elizabeth applies her theatrical expertise and psychological insight with a rock-solid business approach
...
Coming from diverse backgrounds including
accountancy, law, and telecommunications, Elizabeth’s clients consistently
achieve their goals and have fun getting there
...

A highly entertaining speaker, Elizabeth is a popular choice on the conference
circuit, and is often quoted in the media addressing issues concerning confidence, voice, body language, and communication skills – all the ingredients
that create a positive impact
...

kuhnkecommunication
...


Dedication
To Mom – for fortitude, finances, and fun
...

I love you both
...
Allow me, if
you will, to acknowledge but a small sampling of the support team
...

Shaun Todd
...

Caroline Beery and Maria Jicheva who opened my eyes to diversity
...

All of my clients
...
Keep breathing
...

Karl, Max, and Kristina
...

Henry, ever faithful, always there
...
I am
blessed to know you all
...
dummies
...

Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following:
Acquisitions, Editorial, and Media
Development
Project Editor: Rachael Chilvers
Development Editor: Tracy Barr
Content Editor: Steve Edwards
Commissioning Editor: Alison Yates

Composition Services
Project Coordinators: Erin Smith,
Jennifer Theriot
Layout and Graphics: Barbara Moore,
Brent Savage, Rashell Smith,
Alicia B
...
gingerphoto
...
uk
Cartoons: Rich Tennant
www
...
com
Special Help: Jennifer Bingham
Publishing and Editorial for Consumer Dummies
Diane Graves Steele, Vice President and Publisher, Consumer Dummies
Joyce Pepple, Acquisitions Director, Consumer Dummies
Kristin A
...
1
Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture
...
9
Chapter 2: Looking Closer at Non-verbal Gestures
...
43
Chapter 3: Heading to the Heart of the Matter
...
61
Chapter 5: The Eyes Have It
...
91

Part III: The Trunk: Limbs and Roots
...
107
Chapter 8: Arming Yourself
...
139
Chapter 10: Standing Your Ground
...
179

Part IV: Putting the Body into Social
and Business Context
...
195
Chapter 13: Dating and Mating
...
229
Chapter 15: Crossing the Cultural Divide
...
257

Part V: The Part of Tens
...
265
Chapter 18: Ten Ways to Reveal Your Attractiveness
...
277
Chapter 20: Ten Ways to Improve Your Silent Communication
...
291

Table of Contents
Introduction
...
2
Conventions Used in This Book
...
2
How This Book Is Organised
...
3
Part II: Starting at the Top
...
3
Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context
...
4
Icons Used in This Book
...
5

Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture
...
9
Discovering How Body Language Conveys Messages
...
10
Transmitting messages unconsciously
...
12
Gesturing to illustrate what you’re saying
...
14
Revealing thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs
...
17
Unintentional gestures
...
19
Fake gestures: Pulling the wool
...
22
Displacement gestures
...
24
Getting the Most Out of Body Language
...
27
Anticipating movements
...
28
Becoming who you want to be
...
30
Appreciating Cultural Differences
...
33
The History of Body Language
...
34
Gestures first, language second
...
35
Kinesics: The categories of gesture
...
38
Learned gestures
...
40

Part II: Starting at the Top
...
45
Demonstrating Power and Authority
...
46
Demonstrating arrogance
...
47
Showing disapproval
...
49
Catapulting for intimidation
...
50
Beckoning with your head
...
50
Showing Agreement and Encouragement: The Nod
...
51
Showing understanding
...
53
Displaying Attention and Interest
...
53
The head cock
...
55
Indicating Submissiveness or Worry
...
56
Cradling for comfort
...
57
Showing Boredom
...
58
Head resting on hand
...
59

Chapter 4: Facial Expressions
...
61
Recognising Facial Expressions that Reinforce the Spoken Message
...
65
Expressing a Range of Emotions
...
66
Revealing sadness
...
69
Showing anger
...
70
Demonstrating interest
...
75
The Power of the Held Gaze
...
76
To show disapproval, disagreement, and other
not-so-pleasant feelings
...
79
Effective gazes in business situations
...
83
The eye shuttle
...
84
The eye dip
...
86
Winkin’ and blinkin’
...
88
Widening your eyes
...
90

Chapter 6: Lip Reading
...
91
Tight lips
...
93
Chewing on lips
...
93
Pouting for effect
...
96
Tensing your lips and biting back your words
...
97
Differentiating Smiles
...
98
The lop-sided smile
...
100
The turn-away smile
...
102
The full-blown grin
...
102

xiii

xiv

Body Language For Dummies

Part III: The Trunk: Limbs and Roots
...
107
Gaining Insights into the Impact of Posture
...
109
Showing intensity of feelings
...
113
Three Main Types of Posture
...
114
Sitting
...
116
Changing Attitudes by Changing Posture
...
117
Showing high and low status through postural positions
...
119
Shrugging Signals
...
121
Showing unwillingness to get involved
...
123

Chapter 8: Arming Yourself
...
125
Arms crossed on your chest
...
129
Placing objects in front of yourself
...
131
Conveying Friendliness and Honesty
...
133
Creating a bond
...
135
Reinforcing the message
...
137
Embracing during greetings and departures
...
139
Up or Down: Reading Palms
...
140
The downward facing palm
...
144
Hands Up!
...
145
The hand rub: Good for you or good for me?
...
147
Hands clenched
...
150
The precision grip
...
152

Table of Contents
The power chop
...
154
Gripping hands, wrists, and arms
...
156
Analysing Handshakes
...
157
Conveying attitude
...
162
Drumming for relief
...
162
Hand to nose
...
163
Hand to chin
...
165
Showing Commitment and Attitude through Your Stance
...
166
Parallel stance
...
170
Scissor stance
...
172
Reflecting Your Feelings by the Way You Position Your Feet
...
173
Fidgeting feet
...
174
Twitching, flicking, or going in circles
...
177

Chapter 11: Playing with Props
...
179
Showing inner turmoil
...
181
Through the Looking Glasses
...
182
Scrutinising the situation
...
183
Showing resistance
...
183
Spectacles at the office
...
184
Smoking and sexual displays
...
185
Making It Up as You Go Along
...
188
Making up for play
...
188
Women’s accessories
...
190

xv

xvi

Body Language For Dummies

Part IV: Putting the Body into Social
and Business Context
...
195
Understanding the Effect of Space
...
196
The five zones
...
197
Using Space
...
199
Showing submission
...
201
Revealing comfort or discomfort
...
203
Seating Arrangements
...
204
Cooperating
...
205
Keeping to yourself
...
206
Orientating Yourself
...
207
Vertically
...
211

Chapter 13: Dating and Mating
...
213
Going courting: The five stages
...
217
Showing That You’re Free
...
219
Courting gestures of men
...
226
Progressing Through the Romance
...
228
Showing that you belong together
...
229
Making the First Impression: The Interview
...
232
Standing tall and holding your ground
...
234
Pointing Your Body in the Right Direction
...
235
Facing directly for serious answers
...
238

Table of Contents
Negotiating Styles
...
240
Displaying confidence
...
242

Chapter 15: Crossing the Cultural Divide
...
246
Expecting to be touched
...
247
A word about waving farewell
...
248
Bowing, kneeling, and curtseying
...
249
Positioning and Setting Boundaries
...
251
Thumbs up
...
251
Laughter
...
253
Playing by the Local Rules: Eye Contact
...
255

Chapter 16: Reading the Signs
...
257
Drawing Conclusions from What You Observe
...
259
Dealing with a mismatch between spoken
and non-verbal messages
...
261
Practice Makes Perfect: Improving Your Reading
...
263
Chapter 17: Ten Ways to Spot Deception
...
265
Suppressing Facial Expressions
...
266
Covering the Source of Deception
...
268
Faking a Smile
...
269
Maximising Body Touches
...
270
Changing Speech Patterns
...
271
Using Eye Contact
...
272
Offering Encouragement
...
273
Showing Interest Through Your Posture
...
273
Touching to Connect
...
274
Synchronising Your Gestures
...
276

Chapter 19: Ten Ways to Find Out about Someone
without Asking
...
277
Looking at Facial Expressions
...
279
Noticing Hand and Arm Gestures
...
280
Considering Proximity and Orientation
...
281
Responding to Appearance
...
282
Scrutinising Non-verbal Aspects of Speech
...
285
Taking an Interest
...
286
Modelling Excellence
...
287
Practising Gestures
...
287
Dressing the Part
...
289
Demonstrating Awareness
...
289

Index
...
Whether
you’re telling people that you love them, you’re angry with them, or
don’t care less about them, your body movements reveal your thoughts,
moods, and attitudes
...

In a competitive and complex world the ability to communicate with clarity,
confidence, and credibility is vital for success
...
Sound reasoning, logical conclusions and innovative solutions
are rendered meaningless if they are not communicated in a way that persuades, motivates, and inspires the listener
...
You can determine what messages
you relay by the way you use your body
...
During
that time people have come to appreciate the value of body language as a
tool for enhancing interpersonal communication
...

Each chapter of this book addresses a specific aspect of body language
...
Remember that you need to
read body language in clusters and context
...

By performing specific actions and gestures, you can create corresponding
mental states
...
You may
actually become the person you want to be
...


2

Body Language For Dummies

About This Book
For a subject that’s relatively new to the study of evolution and social behaviour, a tremendous amount of research has been done on body language
...
However, I’ve been selective
in what I’ve chosen to include and focused on using body language to improve
your non-verbal communication for your personal and business relationships
...
By improving your reading of body language, understanding
how your body conveys messages, and recognising how mood and attitude
are reflected in your gestures and expressions, you have the upper hand in
your interpersonal communications
...
I show you how your thoughts and feelings impact your
gestures and expressions and how the same is true for others
...
It’s also intended to aid you in correctly interpreting gestures, movements, and expressions
...


Conventions Used in This Book
This book is a jargon-free zone
...
The only other conventions in this book are that Web and
e-mail addresses are in monofont, and the action part of numbered steps
and the key concepts in a list are in bold
...
You don’t need to read the first chapter to understand the last
and if you read the last chapter first you won’t ruin the story
...
If you prefer to just dive
in, please do – there’s water in the pool
...


Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture
In this part I explore the foundations of body language, the silent communicator
...


Part II: Starting at the Top
Focusing on the head and its parts and positions, I continue exploring body
language and the messages it conveys
...


Part III: The Trunk: Limbs and Roots
In this part I explore the impact of your posture on your thinking, attitudes,
and perceptions
...
I look at the body’s limbs, its arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers, and
how their movements reflect inner states and create impressions
...


Part IV: Putting the Body into
Social and Business Context
In this part you discover how to gesture effectively and appropriately according to the situation you’re in
...
You discover how to read and reveal signs of interest
and dismissal and how to engage with a possible romantic partner
...


3

4

Body Language For Dummies
Addressing cultural diversity you get a glimpse into behaviours different from
your own and pick up adaptive strategies for avoiding potential pitfalls
...
Stop here if you want top ten tips for spotting when someone’s
being economical with the truth
...
For developing your skills as a silent
communicator, gaining self-awareness, and honing your observation skills,
this is the place to be
...

This icon highlights stories to entertain and inform you about friends of
mine, or people I’ve seen, and the clues they’ve revealed through body
language
...
By
distancing yourself and taking a bird’s eye view you can watch how others
behave and reflect on the outcome
...


These are practical and immediate remedies for honing your body language
skills
...
Some of the practical
exercises are designed to enhance your image and create an impact
...
Read what you want, when you want
...

If you’re interested in how body language conveys messages, begin with Part
I
...

If you’re curious about facial expressions have a look at Chapter 4
...

Feel free to dip and dive from section to section and page to page
...


5

6

Body Language For Dummies

Part I

In the Beginning
Was the Gesture

H

In this part
...
In this part we go back in time to
the origins of body language, how it’s evolved, and its
subtle power
...
Psychologists, zoologists, and social anthropologists have conducted detailed research into the components of body language – part of
the larger family known as non-verbal behaviour
...
If you pay close attention, you can identify gestures that you automatically associate with another person, which tell you who she is
...

In this chapter you discover how to interpret non-verbal language, exploring
the gestures and actions that reveal thoughts, attitudes, and emotions
...
In addition,
you find out how you can use gestures to enhance your relationships and
improve your communication
...
Before
verbal communication, they relied on their bodies to communicate
...
They instinctively

10

Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture
knew that fear, surprise, love, hunger, and annoyance were different attitudes
requiring different gestures
...

Speech is a relatively new introduction to the communication process and is
mainly used to convey information, including facts and data
...
Without relying on the spoken
word for confirmation, the body’s movements convey feelings, attitudes, and
emotions
...

According to research conducted by Professor Albert Mehrabian of the
University of California, Los Angeles, 55 per cent of the emotional message
in face-to-face communication results from body language
...

Whether she knows it or not, she’s transmitting messages through her gestures and actions
...
Look at the teenage girl standing in the corner
...


Chapter 1: Defining Body Language

Early observations about body language
Before the 20th century, a few forays were made
into identifying and analysing movement and
gesture
...
By the 19th century, directors
and teachers of drama and pantomime were
instructing their actors and students how to
convey emotion and attitude through movement
and gesture
...

These species use similar facial expressions,
inherited by a common ancestor, to express certain emotions
...

In the late 1960s Desmond Morris created a
sensation when his interpretations of human
behaviour, based on ethological research, were
published in The Naked Ape and Manwatching
...


Another young woman in this room of strangers is standing in a group of
contemporaries
...
This woman is projecting an image of self-confidence and
joie de vivre that draws people to her
...


Transmitting messages unconsciously
Although you’re capable of choosing gestures and actions to convey a particular message, your body also sends out signals without your conscious
awareness
...
For example, if you notice
that the pupils of someone’s eyes are dilated, and you know that she’s not
under the influence of drugs, you’d be correct in assuming that whatever
she’s looking at is giving her pleasure
...
These individual signals can be easily overlooked or misidentified
if they’re taken out of their social context, or if they’re not identified as part
of a cluster of gestures involving other parts of the body
...
And yet wouldn’t
you know it, out pops a slight giveaway gesture, often invisible to the untrained
eye, sending a signal that all’s not what it appears
...

In the 1970s, Paul Ekman and W V Friesen developed the Facial Action Coding
System (FACS) to measure, describe, and interpret facial behaviours
...

It can detect what the naked eye can’t and is used by law enforcement agencies, film animators, and researches of human behaviour
...
Mehrabian’s premise is that the way people communicate
is inseparable from the feelings that they project, consciously or not, in daily
social interactions
...

Arthur is the chief executive of a global telecoms company
...
This uncertainty is particularly evident when he’s making
formal presentations
...
When he’s unsure of the word he wants to use, he quickly
and briefly rubs the skin under his nose with his index finger
...
Seeing himself on DVD he recognised how these meaningless gestures were revealing his lack of security, and how uncomfortable he feels in
front of a large audience
...


Substituting behaviour for the spoken word
Sometimes a gesture is more effective in conveying a message than any
words you can use
...
Approval, complicity, or insults are commonly

Chapter 1: Defining Body Language
communicated without a sound passing between lips
...

When words aren’t enough or the word mustn’t be spoken out loud, you gesture to convey your meaning
...

ߜ Putting your hand up sharply with your fingers held tightly together and
your palm facing forward means ‘Stop!’
...

When Libby, the well loved and highly successful Artistic Director of the
Oregon Shakespeare Festival was honoured for her years of service, she felt
proud and humbled
...

Around the room, many people’s eyes were moist and they held their fingers
to their lips
...

Fingers placed over the mouth indicate that they’re keeping something from
coming out
...
Your listener finds it easier to understand what you’re
saying when you let your body create a picture of the object rather than
relying on words alone
...
Describing a square building
you may draw vertical and horizontal lines with a flat hand, cutting through
the space like a knife
...
Describing a large object may entail holding your arms out wide
...
The point
is that gesturing is a useful means of conveying visual information
...
To help someone who can’t see, to experience what
you’re describing, hold her hands in the appropriate position
...
She mimed leaning
on her walking stick, bending over with the weight of her equipment, gasping
for air, and pausing between shuffled steps as she put one foot in front of the
other
...


Physically supporting the spoken word
Gesturing can add emphasis to your voice, clarify your meaning, and give
impact to your message
...

In addition to reinforcing your message, hand signals especially reflect your
desire for your message to be taken seriously
...
See how the hands move in a precise, controlled
manner
...

Experienced lawyers, celebrities, and anyone in the public arena are also
adept at emphasising their messages through considered movements and
gestures
...

When you’re giving bad news and want to soften the blow, adapt your body
language to reflect empathy
...
You may even touch her on the hand or arm, or
place your arm around her shoulder
...

During the introduction to your presentation, as you establish the points to
be covered, list them separately on your fingers
...
(Note: Most British and American
people begin counting with their index finger
...
) When talking about point 1 in your presentation, point
the first finger, or gesture to it; when you reach point two, point or gesture to
your second finger, and so on
...
Look at
Rodin’s sculpture of The Thinker
...
Equally so, a child
throwing a tantrum with stomping feet, clenched fists, and a screwed up face
is letting you know that she’s not happy
...
The information to be projected is inside you and your body is the vehicle onto which the information
is displayed
...
Here are some examples:
ߜ People who feel threatened or unsure of themselves touch themselves
as a means of self-comfort or self-restraint
...

ߜ People who perform specific gestures reserved for religious rituals
reveal their beliefs and values
...
Before
entering the home of many Jewish people, you may touch the mezuzah
by the front door
...
By performing
these gestures, people are demonstrating their respect for the culture,
its traditions, and values
...
Pictures of winning sportspeople frequently show
them in the open position with their arms extended, their heads thrown
back, and their mouths and eyes opened in ecstasy
...
The hand position is a comforting
gesture and the head facing downwards shows that the individual’s
upset
...
Positive people, on the other hand, reveal their
thoughts and attitudes with an upright stance, a bounce in their step,
and eyes that appear lively and engaged
...
Sometimes it just means that
you’re reflecting, thinking, or absorbing information
...


15

16

Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture

Figure 1-1:
These two
men are
telling us
they’re
disagreeing
about
something
...
As he raised his glass to the family members, his
feelings for them were clear
...
As he turned to his daughter Olivia, to express his amazement
at her joyous spirit, he slightly lifted his head and tossed it back
...
He stood upright, held his arm forward, and raised
his glass high
...
I found that an
interesting thought and retired to my office to
consider the implications on my own
...
My chin was resting lightly on my thumb as my index finger gently
stroked my cheek
...


Chapter 1: Defining Body Language
Holding your hands over or near your heart, as shown in Figure 1-2, is an
expression of how much something means to you
...


Key Types of Gestures
Humans are blessed with the ability to create a wide variety of gestures and
expressions from the top of the head to the tips of the toes
...
Some gestures
belong to you, because you’ve become so identifiable by them
...
Some gestures are specific to local customs, and some are universal gestures that everyone does
...
They’re
like the fright part in the ‘fright or flight’ syndrome
...
They hold you back, won’t let you go, and your body says that
you’re not budging
...

Examples of unintentional gestures are
ߜ Folded arms
ߜ Lips pressed together
ߜ A hand or finger in front of the mouth
ߜ Crossed legs
These actions all keep you in place
...
You can’t speak with your hand in front of your mouth
...

Standing or sitting with your legs crossed is no position to take if you want
to get out of town quickly
...
One leg is crossed over the other, rendering
you immobile (see Figure 1-3)
...


Figure 1-3:
The finger
over the
mouth
and the
scissored
legs
indicate
she’s
holding
back
...
The person has no forward movement in her
body as in the body of a person about to take action
...
Therefore, the person who stays put is
usually considered to be submissive
...
The person who twirls her curls around her
finger, or the one who sucks her thumb, or the one who pats her eyebrows
...

Signature gestures set you apart from all others
...

Standing with his hand tucked into his waistcoat, he looks the picture of
pride and authority
...
The
artist created the image and we believe the artist
...


19

20

Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture
One of Diana, Princess of Wales’s most vividly remembered signature gesture’s was the head lowered, eyes looking upward, now known as the Shy Di
look (see Figure 1-5)
...


Sophie is a delightful woman in her early twenties
...
I first noticed this gesture
when she spent several days at our home
...
Claire, a woman in her forties, also sucks her thumb
...

Toby, my personal assistant, is a quiet, thoughtful, focused man
...

Frequently, I ask Toby to do one task, only to interrupt his concentration
by asking him to do something else, often unrelated
...


Chapter 1: Defining Body Language
Some examples of signature gestures can be seen in a person’s
ߜ Posture
ߜ Smile
ߜ Hand clap
ߜ Pointing finger
ߜ Clothes tugging
Some sportspeople perform specific actions as an anchor to get them
grounded and focus their energy
...
This gesture is so closely associated
with this gifted sportsman that other players have been known to mock him
on the courts and in the dressing rooms by performing it in front of him
...
Certain gestures, like clapping the hands together once, show
a mind that’s organised
...
When you successfully read the signs you can figure
out how best to manage the person
...
Victoria Beckham’s sexily defiant pout has become her
signature gesture, as has Hugh Grant’s foppish head toss
...
They deliberately point you in one direction to make you believe something that isn’t so
...

You’re able to tell a fake gesture from a real one because some of the real gesture’s parts are missing
...

She knows that, in part, her success depends on her ability to get on well
with clients and colleagues
...
Anna, already
overloaded with work, stayed at the office until well past midnight
...
m
...
At one point during the session the client remarked that some information seemed to be missing
...
We’ll let her get away with it
just this once
...

Anna’s teeth were clenched, and her eyes didn’t crinkle (a sign of a sincere
smile)
...

Look for all the signs
...


Micro gestures: A little gesture means a lot
Teeny weeny, so small that they sometimes take highly specialised equipment to see them, micro gestures are flashes of emotion that flicker across
your face faster than a hummingbird, revealing feelings that you may prefer
to keep to yourself
...

Micro gestures give a brief hint of what’s going on inside
...
You don’t choose to have a micro gesture
flicker across your face
...

A list of the more common micro gestures include
ߜ Movement around the mouth
ߜ Tension at the eyes
ߜ Flaring of the nose
Mark and Liz met at a party
...

They stood easily in the other’s intimate space
...
Friends and family members recognised the signs and frequently ask
about the relationship between Liz and Mark
...
The
instrument uses careful observation of the face’s
muscles, and recording devices and measuring

tools to categorise facial expressions
...
Their
work provided much of the foundation for animated films and is instrumental in detective work
...
These behaviours are mostly selfdirected and serve to release excess energy and gain a feeling of comfort,
even if only temporary
...
Called displacement activities, they’re a conduit for excess energy that’s looking for a
place to go
...
These people may not actually want
the cigarette, but need a gesture to take their mind off something else
...
I was working in New York, living on my own,
making barely enough to pay my monthly bills, and wondering what I was
doing with my life
...
One morning, while I
was in the kitchen making coffee, I lit up a cigarette
...


23

24

Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture
While speaking on the phone to my soon-to-be ex-husband I lit another cigarette which, after a drag or two, I stubbed out in the ashtray on my desk
...
Here, too, I lit a cigarette, which I
occasionally puffed on as I applied my make-up
...

Rather than stating their feelings verbally, people demonstrating displacement activities are letting their gestures reveal their emotion
...
He crosses his arm over
his body and touches his cufflinks in a protective and reassuring gesture
...
On honeymoon with Diana, the late Princess of Wales, Charles is purported to have worn
cufflinks given to him by his current wife, the Duchess of Cornwall
...
Especially when she saw him fondling them
...
Gestures reveal attitude
...

If you see someone under pressure and being scrutinised, look to see what
her hands are doing
...


Universal gestures
Universal gestures, such as blushing, smiling, and the wide-eyed expression
of fear, mean the same thing across world cultures
...


Smiling
From the sands of Iraq to the shores of Malibu, humans are born with the
ability to smile
...

Sure, each person may have her own unique way of smiling
...


Chapter 1: Defining Body Language
When you see the sides of the lips turned up and the eyes crinkling at their
outer edges, count on that smile being genuine in showing pleasure
...
Young women
giggle behind their hands
...


Blushing
If you blush, your embarrassment’s showing
...
Go to Thailand, go to
Alabama, or any country: You see this gesture everywhere when embarrassment takes over
...

My Aunt MarNell lives in Dallas, Texas and is the perfect combination of cowgirl and southern belle
...


Crying
Crying is a universal sign of sadness
...
No one had to teach her,
she was born knowing how
...


Shrugging
Shrugging is a gesture that people use when they need to protect themselves
in some way
...

The shrug can indicate
ߜ Indifference
ߜ Disdain
ߜ Unknowing
ߜ Embarrassment

25

26

Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture

Television versus radio
In the early 1960s there was little knowledge of
body language
...
Prior to their first televised
debate in 1960 JKF and Richard Nixon posed for
a media photo call
...
The
resulting photograph showed Kennedy applying
the upper-hand position causing Nixon to
appear diminished in stature
...
The NixonKennedy election debate which followed this

photo call was a further testimonial to the
power of body language
...
However,
the majority of those who saw the debate on
television believed Kennedy was the victor
...


To know which attitude is being expressed, you have to look to see what the
other body parts are doing
...
I made the mistake of sitting at the panel table before making my presentation, rather than
joining them afterwards
...
I had set myself up for all to see and,
rather than squaring my shoulders and lifting my head with pride, I dropped
my head and lifted my shoulders in a humble shrug, as if seeking protection
...


Getting the Most Out of Body Language
Successful people know how to use their bodies for greatest effect
...
Their moderate and
carefully chosen gestures reflect their sense of what they want to project and
how they want to be perceived
...
They know that if they stand too close they can be perceived
as overwhelming or threatening
...
They know how to anticipate movements –
theirs and another’s – to avoid (or not) bumping into someone else, depending on their motives, and their relationship with the other person
...


Chapter 1: Defining Body Language
The people who demonstrate respect for others, who think before acting, and
who develop the necessary skills to create their desired outcomes, are the
ones who feel good about themselves
...

Their gestures and actions have purpose and meaning
...
Once you’re aware of the impact – of what
works and what doesn’t – you can move and gesture with confidence, knowing
that you and your message are perceived the way you want them to be
...
Either they’re so up close and
personal that you can smell their morning coffee breath, or they stand just
that bit away that makes them appear uninterested, unengaged, or slightly
removed
...
They understand
and respect the different territories and parameters that people have around
themselves, and being with them is comfortable
...

Although you may have grown up in the country and have need for a lot of
space around you, people who grew up in cities need less
...
His findings revealed the different amounts of personal space that
people feel they need depending on their social situation
...
He defined it
as the ‘comfortable separation zone’ people like to have around them
...


Anticipating movements
Movement can be equated to dance
...
Anticipating an action and registering that it’s about to happen before it does, gives you information that
others may not grasp
...
Replaying, in slow motion,
films of people in conversation Birdwhistell was able to analyse people’s
actions, gestures, and behaviours
...

ߜ Recognising when a person’s about to strike out in anger gives you
enough time to protect yourself and others
...

Anticipating a movement can save your life
...
It
may also bring you great happiness, like a lover’s first kiss which, had you
missed the movement, you may have lost
...


Creating rapport through
reflecting gestures
When you talk about establishing rapport you’re talking about accepting and
connecting with other people and treating one another with respect
...

You have many ways of creating rapport, through touch, word choice, and
eye contact
...
By
mirroring and matching the other person’s gestures and behaviours you’re
demonstrating that you know what it feels, sounds, and looks like to be in
her shoes
...

A fine line exists between reflecting another person’s gestures and mimicking
her
...


Becoming who you want to be
How you present yourself, how you move and gesture, how you stand, sit,
and walk all play their part in creating the image you present and in determining people’s perceptions
...
Positive body language looks and feels strong,
engaged, and vibrant
...
Sometimes you want to project one image
over another
...

Actors know the technique of creating a character from both within and
without
...
They ask themselves:
ߜ How would the character walk, sit, and stand? Would the character
move like a gazelle, lumber along like a sleepy bear, or stagger in a
zigzag pattern like someone who’s had one drink too many? Is the
posture upright and erect, or slouched and limp?
ߜ What gestures would be required for conveying a particular mood or
emotion? Slow, deliberate, and carefully timed gestures create a different
impression from those that are quick, spontaneous, and unfocused
...
It’s the same
for the lay person
...
As Cary Grant said, ‘I pretended to be someone I
wanted to be until I finally became that person
...
How you’re perceived – dumb or sultry, champion of the people, or
chairman of the board – is up to you
...
To do that, keep these points in mind:
ߜ Make sure that your gestures reinforce the impression you want to
make: For example, the higher up the command chain, the more contained the gesture (which is why you never see the chief executive run
down the hall)
...
When a client or another colleague arrives,
the body language changes
...

Decide what attitude you want to project
...


29

30

Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture
I recently experienced my first tax audit, which had me in a bit of a state
...
I trust them and Tom’s been teaching me about the
finances
...
Our office is normally quite informal and Tom’s change of
clothes told me that we were to leave out the jokes
...
We wanted to create the impression that not only does the
business have a strong creative base, but also that its financial backbone is
firmly in place
...
By observing how people move and gesture, you get a glimpse into their
emotions
...
You can see what kind of mood a person’s in by the speed of
her gestures
...

Say that you’re at a party with a friend
...
Seeing her in this position, with her head hanging down and her arms
wrapped around her body, you know that she needs a little tender loving
care
...

Later at the party you observe that some of the younger guests – who have
had more than their fair share of drink – are beginning to go from jovial to
rowdy
...

By reading body language effectively, you can tell when you can stay and
when to go
...
Although Tim smiled warmly at Edith, he stood by the
entrance without inviting her in
...
Edith sensed from Tim’s closed position that now was
not a convenient time for them to speak, and she quickly left
...

Even though you appreciate the differences between cultures and nationalities, you may sometimes find yourself confused, scared, or even repelled by
displays of body language that are very different from what you’re used to
...
When it comes to cultural
differences, the operative verbs are ‘to respect’ and ‘to value’
...
To create respectful, positive relationships
between different cultures and nationalities, you need to expand the way
you think and work, from an attitude of respect
...
Instead, accept that
differences do exist, and then decide how best to respond
...

Different nationalities and cultures use their bodies differently
...
Before visiting or
moving to another country, do your homework and find out what’s suitable
and what’s not
...


31

32

Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture

Chapter 2

Looking Closer at Non-verbal
Gestures
In This Chapter
ᮣ Looking into the origins of body language
ᮣ Conveying information through body language
ᮣ Considering gestures – what you can discover from others

W

hether you like to think of yourself as an animal or not, the truth is,
you are
...

Throughout the animal kingdom, body language is a constant and reliable
form of communication
...
Because of the structure
and programming of the human body, it’s capable of sending a myriad silent
messages, whereas most animals are limited in the number of signals they
can convey
...
You discover that the way you use your body
conveys how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and your general state of
being
...


The History of Body Language
For over 100 years psychologists, anthropologists, and even zoologists have
been studying non-verbal behaviour throughout the animal kingdom to
understand its implications and explore its possible applications in the

34

Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture
broader field of human communication
...

Research into primate behaviour concludes that non-verbal behaviour,
including gestures and facial expressions, is a reliable source for conveying
messages
...
Like humans, chimpanzees are social
animals that live in groups
...
As
chimpanzees have yet to develop the ability to speak, they primarily rely on
non-vocal means such as stance, facial expressions, and touching gestures, to
show who’s in charge and where there’s danger
...
Regarded as the most influential pre-20th century work on
the subject of body language, this academic study continues to serve as the
foundation for modern investigations into facial expressions and non-verbal
behaviour
...


Gestures first, language second
Further research into the foundations of communication suggests that
spoken language evolved from gesture
...

According to Frans de Waal of the Yerkes National Primate Research Center in
Atlanta, Georgia, gestures appeared first in human development, followed by
speech
...


Chapter 2: Looking Closer at Non-verbal Gestures
Studying the behaviour patterns of apes and monkeys, de Waal concludes
that gestures used as specific signals are a more recent addition to the communication chain, coming after vocalisations and facial expressions
...

Although humans’ ability to communicate effectively has evolved with the
development of speech, body language continues to be the most reliable
source for conveying attitude, feelings, and emotions
...
You may argue that words also relay attitudes, feelings,
thoughts, and emotions, and you’d be right
...
Think back to those
occasions when you said words like, ‘I’m fine; there’s no problem; I think
you’re great; I couldn’t be happier’ when you really meant, ‘I’m annoyed;
there’s a huge problem; I think you’re hideous; I couldn’t be more miserable
...


Context clues: Studying gestures
in chimps and bonobos
Studying humans’ closest primate relatives –
chimpanzees and the black-faced bonobo chimpanzees – research conducted by Amy Pollick
and Frans de Waal concluded that the meaning
of a gesture depends on the context in which it’s
made, as well as other gestures that are occurring at the same time
...
In
addition, they identified 18 facial or vocal signals
and recorded them in the context in which
they were made
...
The gestures had different meanings
...
The ‘up and out’ gesture of reaching with the palm facing upward has different
meanings
...
The open-handed gesture can frequently be
seen after a fight where reconciliation is sought
...


35

36

Part I: In the Beginning Was the Gesture
The meaning of a gesture depends on the context in which it’s used, as well
as on what other signals are being sent out at the same time
...
He labelled this form of communication ‘kinesics’
as it relates to movement of individual body parts, or the body as a whole
...

Kinesics convey specific meanings that are open to cultural interpretation
...
In today’s global
environment, awareness of the meanings of different kinesic movements is
important in order to avoid sending the wrong message
...
Emblems are easily
identified because they’re frequently used in specific contexts
...

Examples of emblems include:
ߜ The V-shaped sign
...

The palm of the hand faces forwards with the middle and forefingers
held erect
...
Generally the fist is used as an
expression of solidarity or defiance
...
Amongst black rights activists in the
United States the raised fist is known as the black power salute
...
Americans hold the middle finger of the hand in an upright
position, with the back of the hand facing out
...
Both gestures mean the same thing and the meaning’s
quite rude
...
Your index and little fingers are extended
pointing forward with your palm facing down, making ‘horns’
...
You’re telling an Italian
that his partner’s been unfaithful
...


Chapter 2: Looking Closer at Non-verbal Gestures
Because of different interpretations of the same gesture between cultures,
the correct reading is dependent on the context in which the signal occurs
...
They tend
to be subconscious movements occurring more regularly than emblematic
kinesic movements
...

The usage and the amount of illustrators used differ from culture to culture
...
In some Asian
cultures, extensive use of illustrators is often interpreted as a lack of intelligence
...


Affective displays
Affective displays tend to be movements, usually facial gestures, displaying
specific emotions
...
Although they convey universal emotions and can be understood
fairly easily, the degree and frequency with which they occur is determined
by cultural mores
...

A lack of affective displays doesn’t indicate a lack of emotion
...
A
person from Japan expressing anger shows significantly fewer affective
display movements than his Italian counterpart
...
The Japanese are
taught to hold in their emotions whereas Italians are encouraged to express
them fully
...

Example: Head nodding and eye movements
...
A misinterpreted
regulatory signal in international politics and business can lead to serious
problems
...
These body adjustments are to perform a specific function, or to
make the person more comfortable
...
Adaptors principally comprise body-focussed movements,
such as rubbing, touching, scratching, and so on
...

The significance given to adaptors may be overstated as well as oversimplified
...


Inborn responses
A newborn baby latches onto its mother’s breast and begins to suckle
...
These reactions aren’t
taught
...

Some movements are so familiar that you take them completely for granted
...
Take for example, interlocking fingers
...
If you were asked which
of your thumbs rests on top you probably wouldn’t know and would have to
have a look to find out
...
Do it and see what happens
...
His
interest in humans as ‘signal carriers’ significantly contributed to the field of
Human Ethology, including the study of inborn actions
...
Think of your brain as being programmed like a computer
...
The stimuli, or input, triggers a

Chapter 2: Looking Closer at Non-verbal Gestures
reaction, or output
...

An example of inborn behaviour is the rapid raising and lowering of the eyebrows as a sign of greeting, a gesture that can be seen around the world
...
It seems that no matter how far humans evolve from their prehistoric relatives, the basic urges and actions remain the same
...
Some of
these behaviours are discovered, others are absorbed, some are taught, and
still others are acquired in a combination of ways
...
An African
warrior, a London banker, and a Minnesota farmer with their similar arms,
all discover, at some point in their lives, how to fold them across their chests
...
During the growing up process,
as they became familiar with their bodies, they unconsciously discovered
they were able to do this
...
When you cross your arms over your chest, which
one’s on top? See what I mean?

Absorbed actions
Observe a group of teenage girls, watch the guys in the boardroom, or the
celebrities on the red carpet and you notice that within each grouping a
similar pattern of behaviour exists
...
The higher the status, the more they’re copied
...

You absorb most from those you admire
...
For example, say you want to wink
...
You give it another go
...
Desperate to be an adept
winker, you deliberately and doggedly practise until you manage it
...

Most of you aren’t going to join the circus, where somersaulting and walking
on your hands is required, but at some time in your lives you shake hands
with other people
...
Watch a parent teaching
his child how to shake hands properly and you see a trained action being
taught
...
Some, like crying, are inborn
...
As a toddler you wept and shouted
...

Consider the way you cross your legs
...
You do it without thinking
...
As you mature, the way you cross your legs emulates other members of your sex, nationality, age group, and social class
...

At times, when you’re mixing with people you don’t know too well, you may
feel uncomfortable, without knowing why
...
Even
though the differences may be subtle, they’re detectable
...
With the advent of the talkies, the only
actors who survived were those who were able to communicate successfully
by combining their vocal and physical skills
...


Chapter 2: Looking Closer at Non-verbal Gestures
Dancers, mimes, and people with speech impairments face a similar challenge of conveying emotion without relying on the spoken word
...

You don’t have to be a professional performer for your body to reveal, both
consciously and subconsciously, your emotions, attitudes, and beliefs
...

You simply need to be aware of and understand gestures – those you make
and those you see
...
Some seek to share;
others seek to hide
...

The remaining parts of this book look at the various types of signals and
gestures (researchers have observed and documented almost one million
of them!) that the body sends and offer advice on how you can use the power
of body language to improve your own communications
...


head straight to the top and explore how you can read
eyes, lips, and facial expressions
...
The
chapters in this part help you discover how the tilt of
your head, the size of your pupils, and the twitch of your
lips reveal more than words can say
...
How you place and pose your
head indicates whether you’re being aggressive, flirtatious, or are bored to
distraction
...
They can reveal attitudes, replace the
spoken word, and support or challenge what is said
...

Slight head nods, chin thrusts, and sweeping actions emphasise words and
phrases
...

Discover in this chapter how a slight shift in action or angle can make the difference between being perceived as interested or dismissive, thoughtful or
arrogant, playful or angry
...

Particular positions of the head correspond to the kind of power you hold
...
The following sections explain the variety of messages that head positions signal
...
Make sure that your head position reflects the response you
want
...
Had you been paying attention, upon hearing the news you
would have noticed that your head lifted when your name was announced
...

Although you may say that all humans are created equal, when you’re in
charge, your body sends out signals indicating that you’re the one people
ought to notice
...

If you find yourself feeling blue, down in the dumps, or just not quite on top
of your game, raise your head and hold it in an upright position for a few
moments
...
If you’re feeling really
down it may take a few extra moments to feel the change
...


Demonstrating arrogance
A difference exists in a look between authority and arrogance, and that difference reveals itself in the tilt of the head and the jut of the chin
...

Occasionally, what appears to be arrogance isn’t arrogance at all, but camouflaged insecurity
...
Although the look of raised head, forward thrusting
chin, tilted angle, and downward gaze implies arrogance, the underlying message is one of defensive posturing
...


Alex is a solicitor at a top law firm
...
The partners told him that he came across as arrogant
and aggressive
...
On first glance, Alex’s
behaviour can be perceived as arrogant
...
These behaviours create an impression of
arrogance and aggressive superiority that make others feel uncomfortable
and threatened
...
His lack of body awareness combined with his self-doubt is sending out negative messages
...
In extreme cases, someone who’s really angry may use
the head as a missile, projecting it forward in a head butt to hit the other
person – a not uncommon behaviour among professional soccer players
...

Experiencing a combination of fear, anger, and moral outrage George stopped
his car, forcing the other driver to brake hard to avoid running into him
...

In a flash, George noticed that the other man’s face was red with anger, his
fists were clenched in front of him, and his head was jutting forward from his
shoulders, neck sinews extended, jaw tight, lip snarled, and teeth clenched
...


Showing disapproval
Remember when you were called into the head teacher’s office and you
knew it wasn’t because you had won the citizenship prize? Or, perhaps more
recently when your boss summoned you to inquire why you hadn’t met your
monthly target? Or that time your tennis partner threw you a look after you
hit the ball into the net to lose the final point in the club tennis tournament?
We’ve all been at the receiving end of the disapproving look
...

As with all gestures, the disapproving look involves several actions
...

The other head position for showing disapproval is with the head held firmly
upright over a straight body
...

If you want to indicate that you’re disappointed, critical, or disapproving,
adopt a still posture with your head firmly positioned in an upright angle
looking the other person squarely in the eye as if to say, ‘There’s no room for
argument or excuses here
...
These positions reveal that
you’re harbouring unspoken objections
...
The full message lies in the combination of actions, not in a single
movement
...


Conveying rejection
The head shake is the most common way to express a negative reaction
...
Anthropologists believe that for adults, the action
of turning the head horizontally from left to right with equal emphasis on
each side to express rejection, stems from our earliest days
...

ߜ Slow: A slow back and forth sideways turning indicates the listener’s
incredulity at what she’s just heard
...


49

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Part II: Starting at the Top

Catapulting for intimidation
In any business environment you’re bound to see someone sitting at her
desk, hands clasped behind her head, elbows pulled back, chest puffed out
...
As a gesture, the catapult is a clever way of disguising aggression and intimidation
...
If your boss calls you into her office to have a
word with you, leave your catapult outside unless you’re prepared for a
counter-attack
...
She
flicks her head backwards and gives it a small shake indicating that she has
no intention of engaging with the other person, no interest in what’s being
said, or is unwilling to commit in any way
...


Beckoning with your head
When you want to attract someone’s attention, be it a potential lover, or a
helping hand, and a shout or even a wave would be an unsuitable choice, the
head beckon is an effective gesture
...


Touching someone on the head
The head is the most sensitive and vulnerable part of the body: It is where
the most important sense organs are stored
...
The act of touching another
person on her head is an intimate gesture, implying trust and a deep bond
between the two people
...
Seldom, if ever, would you see a student put
her hand on the head teacher’s head, any more than you’d put your hand on
your boss’s head
...


Chapter 3: Heading to the Heart of the Matter
Priests, Rabbis, and other heads of religious organisations place their hand
on a supplicant’s head as a sign of divine power
...
Because the gesture is a one-sided way of
kissing someone it implies that the initiator has a superior position to the
receiver
...
This seemingly simple action has a variety of meanings
...

Body language is an outward manifestation of your feelings and emotions, or, in
layperson’s terms, your body is reflecting what’s going on inside
...

If you want to establish an affirmative environment but you’re not feeling
quite so perky, nod your head intentionally and lo and behold, you start feeling on top of the world
...
It’s all about cause and effect
...
If you nod your head at someone she usually nods in
return
...
And as for creating rapport, gaining agreement, and getting support,
the head nod is your entry point
...
By using a measured nod, the listener indicates that she’s paying
attention and doesn’t want to take over the speaker’s role
...
Likewise,
by failing to nod your head while listening, the speaker thinks you aren’t
interested or paying attention
...


51

52

Part II: Starting at the Top

Generating information through nodding
Research shows that listeners who nod their
heads frequently during an interaction can
prompt the speaker to generate three to four
times more information than when there’s no
head movement
...


Start a conversation with someone you know well
...
See what effect your head movements have
...


Showing understanding
Although the slow head nod encourages the speaker to continue, shifting
gears and speeding up your nodding indicates that you understand what
she’s saying
...

The way you can tell the difference between someone who’s interested and
encouraging as opposed to someone who wants to take over the conversation is by observing where she’s looking
...
If she’s looking away from the speaker,
she’s indicating that she wants to take over the conversation (unless she’s
distracted, of course)
...
If they’re engaged, she’s paying attention
...

The strength of the nod – the degree of the up-and-down action – communicates
the listener’s attitude
...
A slight nod
provides feedback to the speaker letting her know how well her message is
understood
...
Use it wisely
...


Chapter 3: Heading to the Heart of the Matter

Micro nodding
Often people end their statements with a barely perceptible dip of the head
...
The action emphasises the speaker’s commitment to what
has just been said and can be perceived as a slight attack
...


Displaying Attention and Interest
If you tilt or cock your head you indicate that you’re interested in whatever
you’re observing
...

This section covers all manner of head tilts
...
Notice when you perform this gesture that you hold your head at an
angle towards whatever’s got your interest
...

Although men tilt their heads in an upward movement, mostly as a sign of
recognition, women tilt their heads to the side in appeasement and as a playful or flirtatious gesture
...

If you’re in a social setting and notice a woman in the company of men tilting
her head, you can safely bet she’s out to gain their attention
...


53

54

Part II: Starting at the Top
Fran came home in the wee small hours of the morning after a night out with
her girlfriends
...

Although she’d done nothing other than have a bit of harmless fun, Fran
knew she was in trouble and had to change her husband’s mood quickly
...
The gestures worked and after explaining that he had just been worried, and appealing to her to let him know in the future if she was going to be back late, they
happily fell to sleep
...
People recognise this multi-purpose gesture as both humorous and conspiratorial, as well as being a friendly social acknowledgement
...
This gesture is frequently
used as a non-contact greeting and relates back to the days when men would
doff or touch their hats in recognition, or tug their forelocks in acknowledgement of another person
...
Women appear appealing and provocative when they employ this
gesture, eliciting nurturing and protective feelings from the person they’re
seeking to entice
...
Some women, wanting
to break down another person’s resistance
gladly take on the teasing, cajoling behaviours of
a precocious young girl
...
As an adult,
she may not necessarily lean into her companion’s body, but the gesture alone is enough to stir
up protective emotions
...


Chapter 3: Heading to the Heart of the Matter

Who cants the most?
An Italian research project investigating head
positions in paintings from the 13th to the 19th
centuries, revealed that commissioned portraits
of powerful men seldom depict them with their
heads canted
...
The study
also found that female figures are depicted with
their heads canted more frequently than male
figures
...

The overriding effect of the head cock is of the rush of protective and compassionate feelings
...

When you’re listening you unconsciously copy the other person’s head
movements
...


Sitting tête à tête
People who put their heads closely together are showing that a tie exists
between them and no room is available for anyone else
...
The action is one of exclusion and prevents others from overhearing what they’re saying
...
When the punch
line is delivered, or the dénouement of the story is revealed, see how your
head positions change
...
The act makes a person look smaller and less threatening
...
Research also shows that self-touching
gestures, such as holding your head at the back of your neck and placing
your hands on top of your head like a helmet, provide comfort, reassurance,
protection, and help to alleviate your stress
...

Some people make a slight involuntary dip of their heads when they
approach another person they think is important or if that person’s involved
in a conversation with someone else
...
Those who feel they’re intruding on important people excuse
themselves with a slight dip of the head
...
She’s an active and successful fund
raiser for several high-profile aid organisations
...
She was told that when she was introduced to
the Queen she was expected to make a formal curtsey
...
Although she respects the Queen for the
service she has shown to her country, she doesn’t acknowledge status differentiations and is loath to demonstrate submissiveness to anyone, even the
Queen
...


Cradling for comfort
The memory from our infancy and childhood of being held and comforted
during times of distress lingers and lives in our adult lives
...
In times of
insecurity people can often be observed with their hands holding the back of
their necks (see Figure 3-3)
...
This gesture provides comfort and reassurance
...
At one point during the afternoon he noticed that his chairman sat back in his seat, put his hands behind his head, and began to rub his
neck
...
After a few moments,
he clasped his hands on the table, took a deep breath, and addressed the
group with new-found focus and purpose
...


Chapter 3: Heading to the Heart of the Matter

Figure 3-3:
The head
cradle
provides
comfort and
security
...

The head clasp is a protective gesture in which the hands rise up and cover
the top of the head
...


Showing Boredom
Someone who is bored props her head in her hand
...
Resting your head in your
hand is reminiscent of your childhood, when someone would support your
head when you were tired
...
Your palm
cushions your cheek and your chin drops in a nod
...
You may
even feel tired and fed up
...
You
can recognise the signs of boredom in yourself and others
...

commonsenseatwork
...
His research
shows that being bored with at least one-half of
a person’s tasks for any particular job is usual
...

Signs of burnout include fatigue, low morale,
fear, despair, absenteeism, hostility (at home as
well as at work), increased health problems,
and substance abuse – which are all threatening to your health and your career
...
Stated differently, the job only requires half your brain and
half your energy
...
Common symptoms include
changes in sleeping and eating patterns as well
as loss of pleasure and purpose
...
Both groups
described themselves as bored
...


Before determining that someone is bored with what you’re saying, look into
her eyes
...
If the eyes are dull and unblinking, she’s probably
bored
...
Auguste Rodin’s sculpture, ‘The Thinker’, is the
prototype for the thinking position
...

Placing your hand on your cheek indicates thought, consideration, or some
kind of meditation
...

The main difference between someone who’s thinking and someone who’s
bored can be detected in the body’s energy
...
Her eyes are engaged, she may
have one or both hands placed by her head, and her body leans forward
...
Whether you’re bored or contemplative you subconsciously comfort yourself with this action, stemming
back to childhood
...
The way of telling the difference in moods
is to look at where your eyes are focused, and where your hands and fingers
are placed
...
This gesture is particular to the evaluation gesture (discussed in Chapter 9) and indicates that the person is thinking about
what to do next
...

When I’m invited to speak at seminars and conferences, I can count on at
least a third of the audience to sit with their hands to their heads
...
Those who sit back with their heads resting in their hands are more
of the wait-and-see variety, a bit sceptical and in need of further convincing
...
In this gesture a person strokes her chin with her thumb and
index finger
...
If a man has a
beard, he may even pull on it
...
’

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Chapter 4

Facial Expressions
In This Chapter
ᮣ Communicating your feelings when words are inappropriate
ᮣ Recognising facial expressions that reinforce the spoken message
ᮣ Masking emotions
ᮣ Expressing a range of emotions

F

ace it
...
Try as you may to hide your
feelings, the curl of your lip, the glint in your eye, or the flare of your nostrils
gives the game away
...

Facial expressions exert a powerful control over the type and amount of communication between individuals
...
Rightly or
wrongly, people believe that someone with an attractive face has many other
positive attributes
...
At other times you may need to
reinforce your spoken message with a physical gesture, or express emotions
when words fail you
...


Communicating Feelings When
Words Are Inappropriate
Take a healthy measure of lips, teeth, jaws, cheeks, and you can create yourself a plethora of facial expressions
...
And sometimes a look is all you need
...
The tap root is
located in the brain, and three branches extend
from it
...
The second branch is responsible for transmitting taste messages
...
Because human facial
skin is flexible and responds quickly to brain
impulses most people can express themselves
easily without speaking a word
...
The other person may feel a
bit threatened or uncomfortable if you expressed your feelings out loud
...
If you’re a man you
probably tilt your head back
...

You may want to send a message telling someone that his behaviour isn’t
acceptable
...

A disapproving look may not always be enough
...
William’s mother was seated near enough
to her son to catch his eye, but not near enough to grab his hand
...
No matter how much she frowned, put her index
finger to her pursed lips while shaking her head in a definite, ‘No’ gesture,
William took no notice
...
Hold the person’s gaze slightly
longer than you would normally, with your lips tightly closed
...


Chapter 4: Facial Expressions

Recognising Facial Expressions that
Reinforce the Spoken Message
As with all gestures, what your face reveals is going to be believed more than
the words you say
...

Tell your daughter-in-law how happy you are to see her while your facial
expression says that you’ve been sucking on a lemon or you’ve been frozen in
cold water, and don’t be surprised if she holds back from you
...
Working in combination with positive language and a well-modulated voice, your facial gestures confirm the spoken message
...
Conflicting gestures send mixed messages
...
Allow yourself to breathe from your abdomen, like a newborn baby
...
A well-modulated voice resonates and rises from
a firm foundation
...

Because of the distance between the two cities, Laura stays for several days
when she visits Myles, who lives at home with his mother, Tina
...
Since they’ve been dating, Myles’s self-confidence has grown and Tina
acknowledges that Laura is largely responsible for that
...
Tina initiates the conversations and asks Laura for
her help when she’s getting dinner on the table
...
Laura told Myles that she didn’t
think his mother liked her
...
Tina thought that she was
demonstrating openness in the way she engaged with Laura
...


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Looking beyond the hang-dog expression
Some people are born looking sombre or sad;
they can’t help it
...
The person with a downward
facing countenance has a look that spells
‘sombre’
...
Although
they may be telling you how thrilled they are
about their latest successful venture, their facial
make-up says they’re less than happy
...
If they’re engaged and the muscles around
the outer edges are pulling upward, you can
believe what he says
...
You
need to take in the whole person before making
a judgement about him
...
Jordan looked scared when his mother first called his name
...
After a moment he
relaxed
...
After being told not to draw on the wallpaper again, Jordan
skipped off
...

Because of the powerful impressions non-verbal behaviour can make, choose
those gestures that represent the message you want to convey
...
A technique he employs
with alacrity is interspersing his remarks with a wide range of facial gestures
...
A master of the
gesture, Clinton utilised his knowledge of theatre, people and persuasion to
act out his feelings
...

When you’re not being perceived the way you want to be, consider your
facial expressions
...
To counteract the message
that your non-verbal behaviour projects, readjust your behaviour
...

When people want to avoid expressing what’s going on inside, they create the
opposite facial expression with their pliable facial muscles and skin, and hey
presto! they’re masking their emotions
...
Before eating, the guests were
asked for a moment of silence in memory of Dottie
...
I looked at her daughter, whom I didn’t
know, and as we caught each other’s eyes we exchanged poignant smiles
...
Although we were doing our best to cover our sadness, a careful observer would have noticed the struggle it took to maintain
the mask
...
Purportedly
annoyed that she had to undergo the journalist’s questioning, and knowing
that it was important for her career that she was seen as informed, calm, and
in control, she explained that because the ship was inside the British exclusion zone the action was justifiable
...
The truth was that the ship was sailing away from the Falklands
and was outside the exclusion zone when attacked
...
She gave a quick smile, which anyone looking carefully could detect was false from the lack of engagement in her eyes followed
by a momentary flash of anger
...
As quickly as the expression appeared it was replaced by her masked
expression
...


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Expressing a Range of Emotions
Gestures reveal attitudes and emotions whereas words reveal information,
and the range of emotions people experience on a daily basis is vast
...


Showing happiness
If your grandmother was anything like mine, she’d tell you to ‘put on your
happy face’ when meeting someone new because she knew, intuitively, that
people respond positively to positive behaviour
...
When you’re experiencing pure joy your eyes involuntarily twinkle, the laugh lines at the outside corners of your eyes deepen,
your cheeks raise, and as your lips pull up at the sides and separate you
expose your pearly white teeth
...


Figure 4-1:
A genuine
smile pulls
back both
the mouth
and the
eyes
...
You need more than pulled back lips
showing off your pearly whites to convince someone that you’re feeling
happy, pleased, or any other positive emotion
...

The fake smile, like the one in Figure 4-2, looks manufactured and unnatural
...
This word pulls back the zygomatic major
muscles resulting in a false smile and an artificial-looking photo
...

Look at the eyes and the cheeks for confirmation
...
If it
moves downwards and the end of the eyebrows dip slightly, the smile is
for real
...


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Spot the smile
In 1862 the French neurophysiologist Guillaume
Duchenne de Boulogne published his studies of
facial expressions
...
In
addition to using the heads of people who had
been executed by the guillotine, De Boulogne’s
principal photographic subject was an old man
who had the rare condition of facial anaesthesia
...

With a hands-on approach, De Boulogne
twisted and pulled face muscles from various
angles and positions to discover which muscles
controlled which smiles
...
The zygomatic major muscles,
which run down the side of the face, are under
your conscious control
...
When you want to appear
friendly, subordinate, or show how much you’re
enjoying yourself when the opposite is true, you
rely on the zygomatic majors to produce a false
smile of fake enjoyment
...
The
orbicularis oculi act involuntarily and produce a
true smile
...
When you
experience pleasure, the part of the brain that
processes feelings is stimulated, resulting in a
smile in which the mouth muscles move, the
cheeks lift, the eyes narrow, and the eyebrows
slightly dip
...
By showing that he’s doing his best to be amiable in the circumstances, his behaviour becomes more acceptable than in someone who’s disagreeable in both behaviour and style
...
Her train into
Paddington was delayed and she had to rush to catch her tube
...
Cecilia prides
herself on her punctuality and began to worry that she was going to be late
...
From the pace of their stride, it
was clear they were focused on where they were going
...
She matched the men’s pace, apologised for interrupting them, and
asked if they were familiar with the area, which they were
...
She kept her expression open, matched their walking pace so as
not to slow them down, and thanked them politely and with another smile
when they pointed her in the right direction
...
His eyes are dull and lifeless and the sides of his mouth
are probably cast downward
...

Lips frequently tremble when someone experiences feelings of grief or
sorrow
...


Demonstrating disgust and contempt
Disgust and contempt can be shown in varying degrees, but the general look
involves the mouth grimacing while the eyes narrow
...

Chappy and her mother Jean were having a heated political discussion
...

Finally, unable to win the argument or to convince her daughter of her misguided judgement, Jean, in a high display of contempt, wrinkled her nose,
narrowed her eyes, tightened her lips, and shook her head in disgust as if she
had just smelt an over-ripe Gorgonzola
...
Looks of disdain
and scorn are tossed about the office floor with regularity as when one highflyer attempts to dispose another
...

Although her boss admires her perception she also feels threatened by
Nicola’s youth, energy, and ability to engage with senior board members
...


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Changing colours
According to British zoologist Desmond Morris,
facial colour as a part of the ‘Flight or Fight’
action system is an indicator of rage level
...
If the face is red, he’s already experienced his deepest rage and has passed the
point of attack
...

If you’ve ever been bitten by a dog you may
remember that it wasn’t the one who was making
a lot of noise who sunk his teeth into you; similarly, it’s less likely that the puce-faced, shouting
individual is going to do you real physical harm
...
Anyone in your vicinity recognises the signs
...
Your
eyebrows pull down and inward, causing your forehead to furrow
...

You may also grit your teeth together
...
Finally, if you’re incandescent with rage, your face can turn white as
the blood drains from the epidermis
...
Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a moment, and exhale
slowly through your mouth
...
The time it takes for you to breathe and exhale
gives you a moment to reflect and calm down
...
In both expressions,
the eyes widen and the mouth is opened
...
A few other telltale differences can also be picked up
...
From the whites of your eyes and teeth to the redness of the inside of
your lips and your mouth, which you expose as your jaw drops, a person
can tell when you’re genuinely surprised
...

Justin and Sylvia secretly wed, with only the priest and two attendants present
...
When they invited some of their friends to dinner and told
them what they’d done, their guests raised their eyebrows and dropped their
jaws in surprise, never having expected to hear that news
...
The whites of your eyes
become more noticeable as you widen your eyes and your jaw drops, leaving
your mouth in a slack position
...
This is an example of holding back an extreme emotion
...


Boo!
The telltale signs of a fearful expression are
ߜ A tensely pulled back open mouth
ߜ Raised eyelids
ߜ Exposed whites of eyes
When you’re full of fear your eyebrows rise and pull together in a crooked
curve
...
Finally, your lips tense and may pull back around your open
mouth (see Figure 4-3)
...
Your

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eyes widen, taking in the information and your mouth may be slightly
opened
...
Whether the interest is romantic, intellectual, spiritual, or just plain friendly, the look on the person’s face is open
...
No blocks – such as lowered eyebrows,
a jutting chin, or a furrowed forehead – stand between you and the person
you’re interacting with
...


Figure 4-3:
A fearful
person’s
face is
tense
...
A slow nod shows that they’re taking in
what the other person’s saying and are prepared to let him continue
...

Research into the behavioural similarities within the animal kingdom shows
that birds, dogs, and humans amongst others cock their heads when they’re

Chapter 4: Facial Expressions
listening attentively
...

When evaluating what you’re observing, you may raise one hand to your
cheek with your index finger pointing upward and your thumb supporting
your chin while your other three fingers curl in on your palm
...
(Go to Chapter 9 to
find out more about what hand gestures mean
...
In fact, of all our body language signals, the eyes reveal our thoughts and emotions most accurately: They’re
placed in the strongest focal position on the body, and because the pupils
respond unconsciously to stimuli they can’t be artificially manipulated or
controlled (well, you can artificially increase pupil size with belladonna but
that’s going a bit far)
...
They’re also the means of seeing what’s going on inside of someone else
...
This chapter looks at the role that eyes play in communicating your
feelings and intentions
...
And because communication – even with eyes – is a
two-way street, I tell you how to read the eye signals that others give you
...
But sometimes,
eye contact can be uncomfortable, such as when the other person seems dishonest, untrustworthy, or angry
...
The intensity and length of time she holds your eye influences the meaning of the gaze
...

Jennifer is a psychiatric doctor working in private practice
...
Dorothy has managed to live an active life through the use of
medication and psychiatric treatment and many of her friends aren’t aware of
her illness
...
The look is
difficult to read because of the blankness of the stare
...

When a person holds your gaze she’s telling you one of two things: She finds
you attractive or interesting, or she may be feeling anger or hostility towards
you and is offering you a non-verbal challenge
...


To show interest
You can demonstrate interest in what you’re doing or saying by fixing your
gaze directly on the person or object you’re addressing for slightly longer
than you may normally do
...
The moment you look at another person, you have given that person
your attention
...


Who’s watching who?
Some people find establishing and maintaining
eye contact difficult and avert their eyes when
speaking
...
Because of the connective quality of the eyes – the gateway to the soul as the
saying goes – it can be hard to gauge the other
person if she refuses to meet your eye
...
The speaker looks at the listener between 40–60 per cent of the time, and
the listener looks at the speaker approximately

75 per cent of the time
...

What this tells you is that if someone looks at
you more or less than usual, something’s going
on that’s impacting her response
...
95
seconds and the average mutual gaze is 1
...
However, in Japan, the Middle East,
and some Asian and South American cultures,
prolonged eye contact is perceived as hostile or
discourteous
...
Their taste in art –
South American contemporary with a twist – was very different from Lizzie’s,
whose preferences tended toward Monet and John Singer Sargent
...
Not wanting
to appear bored or dismissive of their taste, Lizzie forced herself to look at
the paintings for longer than she would normally have done
...
Although she didn’t want it in her home, she recognised
how other people could value it
...
You’re perceived as non-threatening and interested
...
If, for example,
Penny likes Tim and wants to do business with him, she should look at him a
lot
...
They
easily look at one another and before you know it the deal’s been done!
But what about the shy, timid people who find eye contact difficult? No matter
how genuine, honest, and dedicated they are, by struggling to establish and
maintain eye contact they send out signals of prevarication and doubt
...
Even if you feel uncomfortable making eye contact, make the effort
...

Ed regularly has to make formal presentations for his work
...
By
watching himself on video replay he realised how much impact he loses by
not making eye contact with his listeners
...
To create rapport with his listeners Ed now establishes eye contact with them before he even begins to
speak
...
He
cannot hide himself
...
If her pupils
resemble warm drops of chocolate, you know
that whatever they’re responding to is having a
positive impact
...

Remember, too, that pupils respond to light
...

Consider these other fun tidbits:
ߜ Research shows that most women’s eyes
dilate to their extreme when looking at
images of other mothers and children
...

ߜ Newborn babies and young children appear
to have larger pupils than adults
...
It’s a phenomenon
that toy manufacturers (and cartoonists)
recognise
...

ߜ The ancient Chinese gem traders were
expert in watching their buyers’ eyes when
negotiating prices
...

ߜ Courtesans and prostitutes were known to
make themselves appear more enticing and
desirable by putting drops of belladonna in
their eyes to dilate their pupils
...

Of course, without using artificial means, such
as the courtesans did, pupil dilation is beyond
your control
...
In allowing your
eyes to wander over your target’s face and body, you’re showing that you’re
attracted to that person
...
If
not, revert to the social gaze or else you may find yourself in big trouble
...
This is referred to look as a ‘come hither’
look because it’s saying, ‘Come and get me
...
(For more information on all the uses and meanings of sideways glances, go to the section
‘The sideways glance’ later in this chapter
...
Often gaze alone can indicate
displeasure
...
If a person holds your gaze for
more than two thirds of the time and the pupils are constricted you can bet
you’re in disfavour
...

Because your pupils contract when you’re angry or in a negative mood, the
eyes look harsher and less friendly
...


To show dominance
A dominant person is the one with authority
...
The dominant person is in charge
...
Because
they’re sure of themselves, their eye movements tend to be slow and smooth
...

Gazing is done in two ways: away from, and towards
...
Those in control of the interaction demonstrate their dominance by choosing when and how long to look
at the other person
...


Clinton’s gaze
People who have met Bill Clinton report that he
has a way of looking at a person that makes that
individual feel as though not only is she important, but that no one else matters at that point
...


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If you want to be perceived as dominant, strong, and in control, slightly
narrow your eyes
...
So is
Anne Robinson in The Weakest Link
...


Scenario 1: Being reprimanded
When you want to make a strong point, deliberately avoid eye contact to
raise the other person’s anxiety levels
...
You know that any moment
you’re going to get the full force of her glare, it’s just a matter of when
...
Scotty was a stickler for punctuality and I
had been late for an event the night before
...
What I didn’t know
was how intense the confrontation would be
...
With barely a glance in my direction, he told me to sit down
...
Unable to
remain quiet and let him blow off some steam I gave him excuses and argued
back
...
He spun around in his seat and fixed me with a glare so
forceful that it felt as if I’d been slapped in the face and punched in the chest
...
Scotty told me that I’d better watch myself and that he was ‘keeping
an eye’ on me
...
Not able to sustain the eye contact I looked away
...

If you find yourself disagreeing with someone and want to make your point,
hold the eye contact slightly longer than you would normally
...


Scenario 2: In conversation
In conversation, the dominant person spends more time looking at the other
person when she’s talking than when she’s listening
...
A dominant speaker watches her listeners to
make sure that they’re paying attention and aren’t about to cut in
...


Chapter 5: The Eyes Have It

The Evil Eye
The prevalent and powerful superstitious belief
in the Evil Eye comes from the feeling that
people can be damaged by a prolonged stare
...


Fishermen commonly protect their boats from
danger by attaching a pair of artificial eyes to
the prows of their vessels as a means of outstaring a potential threat or enemy
...


Scenario 3: The unflinching stare
You can grab the attention of an adversary by looking her directly in the eye
without flinching
...

If you’ve ever played the child’s game of stare-you-out you know that at some
point you, or your partner, breaks the contact because maintaining it is just
too difficult
...
Her mouth tenses, her eyes narrow as they tighten around the edges,
and her gaze doesn’t falter
...
’ It is unflinching, judgemental, and can reduce us to responding in one of two ways: We attempt to stare our mother down, which we have
yet to achieve, or else, unable to stand the pressure, we avert our eyes in a
downward glance
...

If someone’s trying to bully you or put you off, look your foe straight in the
eye, narrow your eyelids, and focus directly on your target
...
Move your eyes first and let your head follow, keeping your torso
still
...
If you need a role model, Arnold
Schwarzenegger in The Terminator is your man
...
As
long as your eyes remain in that space and you keep control of the interaction the other person reckons that you’re someone who means business
...


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At last, a way to shorten business meetings!
One study showed that in presentations where
visual aids are used, 83 per cent of the information is absorbed visually, 11 per cent through the
audio channel, and 6 per cent through the other
three senses
...
In order for a verbal presentation
to be effective, key points must be repeated

frequently
...
The result is that by using visual
aids in your presentations you achieve a 400 per
cent increase in efficiency
...
6 minutes as opposed to 25
...
This
equates to a time saving of 28 per cent
...
If you fix your
eyes directly in the business gaze triangle without a flicker of an eye you may
be amazed at how quickly your bore comes to a halt
...
A simple way of controlling your listener’s attention is
to use a pen or pencil
...
Then, lift the pen, or pencil, off the page and hold it between your eyes
and your listener’s (see Figure 5-1)
...
While you continue to
speak, keep the palm of your other hand open
...


a

b

Chapter 5: The Eyes Have It

The Wandering Eye: Breaking
Eye Contact
Avoiding or breaking eye contact can indicate a variety of things
...
Although your instinct may
be to run away from unpleasant situations or feelings, fleeing in panic isn’t
really an option in everyday life because as humans, we aim to cooperate
...
It’s all a matter of whose eyes you’re avoiding and how you
do it that creates the effect and determines the response
...
It’s a form of fleeing from an interaction
that stirs up in you a ‘fight or flight’ response
...

Looking away from another person, avoiding someone’s gaze, and averting your eyes makes you look smaller
...

ߜ As a sign of submission: When you look away from a person who makes
you feel ill at ease you’re relinquishing your power and giving it over to
that person
...
When you’re feeling anxious you avoid
looking at another person
...

When it looks as if trouble’s brewing between two people and you sense
one of them is going to lose, don’t be surprised if you see that person
avert her gaze to remove the dominant person from sight
...

ߜ To prompt another person’s attention: Pulling your eyes away from
someone can show that you’re interested in her
...
If you do withdraw your eyes for this purpose make sure that you
look back frequently
...


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The eye shuttle
When you observe someone flicking her eyes back and forth, you can bet
that she’s subconsciously looking for an escape route
...
The action
allows the person to take in everything that’s going on around her and see
where she can reposition herself without obviously giving the game away
...
Focusing on his own agenda Dwight made a beeline for Frank who was
already engaged in conversation with two colleagues
...
What he failed to
notice were Frank’s eyes shuttling back and forth in search of the nearest exit
...
While he smiled as Dwight regaled the
group with stories and remained where he was standing, his eyes didn’t connect with Dwight’s as they scanned the room
...
Dwight never did do business with Frank, or his friends
...
It
demonstrates interest, uncertainty, or hostility
...

If someone catches your attention and you want to let her know that you
think she’s quite cute, look at her out of the corner of your eye and slightly
raise your eyebrows
...

If you’ve ever spoken to someone who avoids looking at you while shooting
glances out of the corner of her eye, she may well not be very interested in
you or what you’re saying (see Figure 5-3)
...

People tend to look towards things that interest them, and look away from
things that don’t
...
Your partner has gone to talk
to friends, leaving you with the singularly unpleasant host
...
The brevity of your glances
towards your host signals your lack of interest in her
...


Figure 5-3:
The
sideways
glance
away from
you can
indicate a
lack of
interest
...


The eye dip
Averting your eyes in a downward direction is a deliberate action designed to
placate someone in a dominant position as well as an action designed to hide
your feelings
...

Dipping the eyes is also a way of demonstrating the reluctance you may feel
from entering into an interaction
...
’
If you think that acting submissively is a weak or negative role to play, reconsider
...

And it’s sometimes the best way to get what you want
...


Other Ways Your Eyes Tell a Tale
Because your eyes reveal your thoughts, feelings, and emotions – and you’ve
got loads of them – they move in lots of different ways to give away what’s
going on internally
...
Winking also
intimates that whatever you’re talking about doesn’t need to be taken too
seriously
...

Not all interactions are fun and friendly though, and one clue is how often the
participants blink
...


Chapter 5: The Eyes Have It

Diana’s dipping eyes
Diana, Princess of Wales was exceptionally
adept at evoking empathy by dipping her eyes
and lowering her head
...
Both men and
women respond in a protective way as long as

they don’t think they’re being manipulated
...
Although initially she may not have been
conscious of what she was doing, experience
taught her that when she used her eyes in this
fashion she engendered her public’s empathy
...
Rather than blinking six to eight times per minute,
these people close their eyes in an unconscious attempt to remove you from
their sight
...
Or, it can be that they’re bored by
you or just aren’t interested in what you’re saying
...
Hard to believe, I know, but possible
...

I was recently running a workshop on, you guessed it, body language
...
Until he pointed this out I was unaware
of the habit
...
Shutting
my eyes subconsciously shut out potential distractions
...
I find that, instead of speaking
while I’m thinking, looking at the questioner, pausing, and then speaking is a
more effective way of communicating with positive impact
...
When you’re excited you blink more
than when you’re relaxing in front of the television or concentrating at your
computer
...
Under normal conditions, the blinking rate is between six to
eight blinks per minute
...


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Examples of pressures that can cause rapid blinking include the following:
ߜ Normal stress
...

ߜ Lying
...
However,
just to confuse you, sometimes liars slow down their blinking rate
...


Blinking less frequently than normal
When you’re speaking and the listener is staring at you in a zombie-like fashion, you’re probably boring her to distraction
...

Lack of blinking can be a sign of boredom, hostility, or indifference to whatever is happening, but it doesn’t have to be
...
Although they blink less, they come across as
interested listeners
...
)
Lack of blinking can cause your cornea – the clear, thin top layer of the eye –
to become dehydrated
...


Active eyebrows: The Eyebrow Flash
Since ancient times people have initiated their greetings with the rapid raising and lowering of their eyebrows
...
When you
greet another person, you unconsciously raise your eyebrows in recognition
...
People who don’t use
the Eyebrow Flash when being introduced can be perceived as potentially
aggressive
...

You find that most people return the Flash and smile
...

Raised eyebrows don’t always mean recognition, however
...

ߜ Surprise and fear: If you’re surprised or scared, your eyebrows rise and
stay in that position until the moment has passed
...
Notice that
they’re disproportionately large relative to the rest of its face
...
Large eyes
make a person look more appealing, as any Hollywood starlet knows
...
They then raise their eyebrows and eyelids, an action that particularly appeals to men
...
His
brain releases hormones stimulating his desire to protect and defend her
...
Unless the person being gazed at is aware of what you’re doing,
they’re charmed by your likable appearance
...
And she knows how to use them
...
When she wants help, be it with her homework or getting her car started on a cold winter’s morning, she opens her
eyes wide, raises her eyebrows, dips her head, and by gosh, she gets what
she wants!
You can make your eyes appear larger by raising your brows and lowering
your lids, a technique that Marilyn Monroe used to maximum effect
...
) Men would, and still do, go
weak at the knees when they look at photos of her with her lowered eyelids
and raised eyebrows
...


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Figure 5-4:
Raising the
brows and
lowering the
lids shows a
promise of
things to
come
...
Or, it can simply mean that you’ve got something in your eye causing an irritation, in which case, you probably rub your
eye after fluttering for a moment or two
...

To flick your eyes over a person or an object shows a modicum of interest
which, depending on the response of the person or the amount of curiosity
you feel for the object, can move into a longer gaze
...
Although your lips are the doorway to verbalising messages,
they’re equally adept at revealing emotions, thoughts, and feelings without
uttering a word
...


Revealing Thoughts, Feelings,
and Emotions
The lips are made up of a complicated series of muscles running over, under,
and around the sides of your mouth
...
One side of the mouth can mirror the other so that the whole
mouth conveys the same message, as with the turned up sides of your lips in
a genuine smile of happiness or the downward turn of your lips when you’re
sad
...
The upper lip can rise in a sneer
...

The complicated series of muscles that control the lips include the orbicularis oris muscles, which sit at the sides of the mouth
...
The elevators, such as levator labii
superior, lift the upper lip, whereas the mentalis, sitting at the tip of your
chin, pushes up your lower lip, causing your chin to wrinkle, making you look
doubtful or displeased
...
You say you’re feeling fine? Then, why are your lips trembling? You say you’re happy? Then why are your lips stretched across your
mouth like a razor’s edge? Whatever emotion you’re experiencing – anticipation, pleasure, irritation – you’re lips are telling on you
...
Tense lips aren’t limited to negative emotions,
such as anger or annoyance
...
All the muscles are working in anticipation
...
Not wanting to give her hand away too quickly, she held back her feelings
...

Tense and taut, the person with the tight lips is holding back some kind of emotion, be it anger, annoyance, or sexual tension
...
Whatever the reason, tension is in the air
...
‘Do your
duty and show no emotion’ was the characteristic attitude of that era, although the origins of
the phrase can be traced to America
...
’
Although that illustration doesn’t explicitly refer
to holding back one’s feelings, it’s similar to
other 19th century American references and the
meaning is unmistakable
...
I felt a little better
...

In more recent times British heroes have been
permitted to demonstrate their emotions in the
public arena
...
Before
World War II that kind of behaviour would have
been an anathema
...
Their lips
lack tension
...


Chewing on lips
When some people feel anxious they chew on something such as a pencil, a
finger, or a lip
...
The lip is the easiest object to chew on, because it’s right
there
...

The three main lip chewing gestures associated with anxiety are:
ߜ Lower lip bite
...
The teeth
may rub against the lip, pulling it in and out of the mouth
...
The lower teeth protrude forward and catch the upper lip
...

ߜ Lip to lip bite
...

In addition to being a sign of anxiety, chewing your lips is also a gesture
showing self-restraint – a default mechanism keeping you from saying something that you may later regret
...
The upper lip muscle tightens
to contain emotion
...

Photographs of the disgraced peer and newspaper magnate, Conrad Black,
show him leaving court during his fraud trial, with his lips tightly clenched
...
His tension
was showing
...
The stiff upper lip comes
in handy when you want to maintain your dignity
...

It can also make you look suspicious, as if you’re concealing hidden information
...

Research conducted by James Gross of Stanford University and Jane Richards
of the University of Texas at Austin, suggests that people who fight to conceal
their emotions are less able to recall what they see
...
He postulates that it’s about keeping the balance between memory
and emotion, and reasons that it can be beneficial to suppress your emotions
in lieu of memory because giving vent to your upset may be worse
...
You may not recall the specifics of his sentiments and that may
be no bad thing if it means you keep your job
...
Whoever’s pouting is
making it clear that disappointment, displeasure, frustration, or sadness is in
the air
...

Whatever the reason for the pout, the facial mechanism is the same
...
Your lips press together, your tongue rises against
your palate and your pharynx constricts as it prepares to swallow (see Figure
6-1)
...
‘You just
put your lips together and blow’ – advice I received one day from an attendant in a ladies’ loo who had been observing my feeble efforts to achieve the
pout that Victoria Beckham had perfected
...
When the lower lip pushes out you may be in for a
tantrum
...

When they’re angry, sad, disappointed, or just pretending to be, they can
stick their lower lips out half way down their chins
...
That’s usually enough to make them laugh
and end the pouting
...
Both the pursed lips of disapproval and the pursed lips
indicating sexual arousal are forward moving
...

Frank took a group of friends for lunch, tennis, and swimming at his club
...
When Frank looked at Dagmar, he pursed his lips forward, and ever so slightly separated them as if blowing gently in the wind
...

Disappointed that Dagmar was paying attention to another person, Frank
pursed his lips together like an old prune and turned away
...

For further information about the pout, skip to Chapter 13
...


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Pursing as a sign of disagreement
Pursed lips, in which the lips are puckered in a rounded shape of disagreement, connivance, or calculated thought, send a message of considered dissent (see Figure 6-2)
...
He’s holding his
thoughts in before letting them out
...
If you’re at a dinner party and
your partner is about to spill the beans, a stern pursing of the lips pointed in
your partner’s direction should stop the flow
...

If you’re making a proposal or putting forward a suggestion, and your listener
meets your ideas with pursed lips, signalling mental resistance, ask him if he
disagrees before continuing your verbal argument
...
Equally,
he’s going to be impressed with your intuitive grasp of his thinking process
...


Chapter 6: Lip Reading

Tensing your lips and biting
back your words
When you lock your jaw, your lips tighten
...
This expression is different from pursed lips because pursed
lips push forward
...

Imagine that you’re at your company’s Annual General Meeting
...

Your lips tighten as your jaw locks into position
...

Graeme was invited to attend a meeting at which several of the company’s key
decision-makers were present
...
Although with his
own team Graeme expressed himself freely and encouraged exchange, in the
company meeting, where it was clear that outside contributions weren’t
welcome, he found himself holding back his thoughts
...
The longer he held this position the more negative he felt
...
As you end one thought or action and are
about to begin another, your lips close, if only fractionally, indicating that
you’ve finished with one thought and are about to begin another
...
See if he experiences
a mood shift, expresses an unexpected thought, or abruptly changes his
point of view
...
Smiles come in a
wide variety ranging from signalling appeasement to that of the playful child
...
People in
subordinate roles tend to smile more in the company of those who are more
dominant, or in superior roles
...
The impact this gesture
has on people’s attitudes is amazingly positive and it influences their
response to you
...
Before going to court he spoke with Al, a lawyer friend, who
advised him to smile when offering his apology
...
He also said
that as long as the smile is there, whether it’s genuine or fake is unimportant
...


The tight-lipped smile
Stretch your lips in a straight line across your face without exposing your teeth
(see Figure 6-3) and think of the Mona Lisa, whose smile implies the harbouring
of secrets, the restraining of attitude, or the concealment of thoughts
...
That’s
what’s known as the tight-lipped smile
...

Pick up any business magazine and you’re greeted by the sealed smile of the
professional chief executive
...
In truth, he tells you nothing you don’t already know
...
This doesn’t mean that
she doesn’t see the full picture of what someone’s like, but whatever she
thinks, she keeps to herself
...
Not long ago I observed her praising the positive attributes, talents, and characteristics of a mutual acquaintance
...
Although
Julia undoubtedly had similar thoughts, she kept them to herself
...


The lop-sided smile
When your muscles pull the sides of your mouth in opposite directions, one
side going up and the other going downwards, you’ve got yourself in a twist
...

In a lop-sided smile, one side of your mouth is moving upward in amusement
while the other side’s pulling down in restraint
...

Harrison Ford and the late Princess of Wales both mastered the gesture of the
lop-sided smile
...
The side of the mouth
going downward indicates sadness, anxiety, or another negative emotion
...
The gesture is softened by the upward
turn of the lip, making the gesture non-threatening
...

One side of the mouth is saying, ‘Yes!’ while the other side is saying, ‘Better not’
...
Knowing
how contagious laughter is, a person wanting to elicit positive reactions from
his adoring public lets his jaw drop, suggesting playfulness and amusement
...
By looking unthreatening and as if you’re laughing, the
others pick up on the feeling too
...
Her laughter comes from the depths of her
being, and can fill a room with joy and hilarity
...
Nancy’s smiling face
and cheerful laughter caught the attention of diners at several other tables, all of
whom picked up on her laughter and joined in
...


Figure 6-4:
The dropjaw smile
conveys no
hint of
appeasement or
submissiveness
...
By doing so you look young, playful, and secretive – a winning
combination
...
Parental instincts rise, making the recipient of this smile want
to shield and nurture the person gazing at him with this look
...
The smile signals welcome, whereas the motion of turning away conveys avoidance
...


Figure 6-5:
The turnaway smile
elicits
feelings of
care and
protection
...
In the closed-lip grin, you hold your lips together
...
A closed-lip smile is a concealing gesture used
by playful children, politicians, and anyone else who’s hiding something
...
Someone else may give the closed-lip grin as a means of showing that although he’s happy to speak with you, he’s not telling you everything
...
When someone asked them how much they
had sold for, Mandy’s lips sealed shut
...


The full-blown grin
When you give a full-blown grin you know that you’ve given your face a good
work out
...

The muscles around your eyes crease and crinkle, and your teeth go on display as the sides of your lips stretch towards the tip of your ears
...

When you’re watching someone smile, note the direction the head goes in
...
A backward tilt tells you that the person’s
pleased and proud
...
Some laughs burble
up from the bottom of the vocal mechanism, and burst forth with abandon,
like the belly laugh
...
Some land in your chest and all that escapes are little bits of blowing air pushing through your nose like short trumpet blasts
...

Whatever kind of laugh you’ve got – a giggle, a snort, a snicker, or a good oldfashioned hee-haw – the depth of the sound, where it’s placed, and how much
of it you allow to come out, indicate your mood and feelings
...
He’s not afraid to
hold back
...

Simon was at a family reunion, watching his two daughters playing with their
cousins
...
His
wife and her parents got caught up in Simon’s laughter, and ended up laughing so hard that tears streamed out of their eyes
...

Frederika was kneeling in church, supposedly praying, when her mobile
phone vibrated in her jacket pocket
...
Frederika opened
the text message from her friend, who had sent her a joke
...
Her father
cast her a disapproving look, which made Frederika’s laughter increase
...


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Part III

The Trunk: Limbs
and Roots

H

In this part
...
How you dress, the way you stand, cross your
arms, bite your nails, shake hands with someone – all give
an insight into how you feel and, indeed, what sort of
person you are
...
Slumping into your hips, drooping
your shoulders, and letting your stomach hang out isn’t a particularly pleasing
picture and reflects a poor self image
...

In this chapter you find out how to get your muscles working with your attitude, to show the world just who you are
...
Jobs are won and lost, reputations made and
destroyed, relationships dissolved and cemented based on how the people
involved present themselves
...

Watch for those who appear to feel good about themselves
...
Their gestures are open and welcoming, with shoulders
back and heads held high (see Figure 7-1)
...


Keep watching people pass by and notice how the ones who don’t seem comfortable with themselves move
...
They look a
sad and sorry lot
...

Your posture, gestures, and expressions reveal how you feel about yourself
and determine how others relate to you
...
The way you present yourself reflects and influences your mood and attitude
...


Evaluating what your own
posture says about you
If you spend too much time slouching with a deadpan expression on your
face and slumped shoulders you’re going to appear inert and ineffectual
...

To determine what your own posture reveals about your self-image or mood,
follow these steps:
1
...

Observe how you’re standing, the position of your head, and the look
on your face
...
Turn away for a moment
...

Dominant, submissive, bored, angry, surprised? The list goes on
...

3
...

What do you notice? What are the differences and similarities between
your first and second postures?
By being aware of the messages that your stance, gestures, and expressions
send out you can consciously determine how you’re perceived
...

Should you find yourself in a downbeat, miserable mood that you want to get
out of do the following:
ߜ Inhale from your abdomen
...

ߜ Allow your head to lift from the base of your neck like a balloon tied to a
string on a sunny day
...

ߜ Continue to breathe gently, like an infant at rest
...

If I’m not mistaken, by now you have a gentle smile playing around your lips,
and the outer corners of your eyes may even be creasing with enjoyment
...

Why? Because, as I tell my clients, ‘The way you act is the way you are
...
People want to spend
time with you
...
And you may even find that by acting as if you
feel good about yourself you find that you actually do
...
When

Chapter 7: Take It From the Torso
your feelings are intense it’s like putting an exclamation mark at the end of a
sentence
...
For moments of deep despair your
muscles relax, your body collapses on itself, and you look like a forlorn rag
doll
...

Take yourself back to a time when your feelings were working at full tilt
...
What do you observe? You see that your
muscles are working in equal proportion to your feelings, mood, and attitude
...
Act out the gesture and
the feeling intensifies
...

People nodding in agreement, as well as those shaking their heads in disagreement, often vocalise a humming sound
...

If you’re feeling tired and worn out you may sigh as your body collapses in
on itself
...

If you want to intimidate someone, a low growl in the back of your throat
shows that you’re prepared to stand up and defend yourself
...
Not only was the seating close enough to observe and enjoy
every gesture Rafael Nadal made, we were in prime seats for hearing every
thwack and grunt as he and his opponent, Andy Roddick, put their full body
force into their swings
...
We sat forward in our seats and when
Nadal eventually won the point, his supporters momentarily lifted themselves from their seats, their hands moving upwards in jubilation as they

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cheered and clapped
...
Roddick
eventually went on to win the game
...

Alex was being groomed for partnership at a large city law firm
...
During a practice role play for his interview, I purposely interrupted him while he was answering a question I’d posed
...
I had no doubt in my mind that Alex didn’t
like being interrupted
...


Figure 7-3:
A body’s
forward and
erect
posture
reveals
aggression
...

Think of yourself as an iceberg like the one in Figure 7-4
...
This inner core contains your sense of self and is the
base from which your actions arise
...
Above the water line is your outer self, what other people see
...

If your self-perception is that of a strong, forceful, and dynamic Master of
Mayfair your body is upright, your stride purposeful, and your gestures
focused and contained
...
Whereas if you’re Jack the Lad from southeast
London, your body may strut and swagger, and your head movements appear
quick and sharp
...


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If your character has some aspects that you don’t like, change your attitude
...


Three Main Types of Posture
Although you have a repertoire of different postures you can adopt, you tend
to prefer one to the others
...
You can
become so associated with one particular posture that people who know you
well can recognise you from a distance by the way you use your body
...

For example, the person who holds herself erectly has a different temperament from a habitual sloucher
...
People who
slouch give the impression of being dull, uninterested, or lacking in confidence
...


Standing
Some people are happy to stand
...

At cocktail parties and other similar events people tend to stand
...

Because moving toward and away from someone or something is easier from
the standing position, it’s considered to be a more active position than sitting
or lying down
...
People who have experienced

prolonged depression may slouch and sag into
their bodies, whereas people who have a positive outlook tend to hold themselves upright
...
The reason for this is that people
think more quickly and come to decisions more expediently than they do
when given the chance to sit
...

Kate attended a client meeting at an advertising agency in Denmark
...

In the middle of the room was a tall stone table, provided for people to lean
on and take notes
...
What Kate
found was that, although it wasn’t her preferred environment, she was able to
make quick decisions and firm commitments
...
Because
your body is bent in the middle, it’s easy for you to collapse over your waist
or flop back into your chair like a wilted flower if you’re feeling a bit tired
...
The pressure is taken off
your legs and feet and your buttocks take the weight
...

If you’re tired you may unconsciously lean back into a chair, letting your legs
and arms hang loose with your head tilted backwards
...
At other times you sit upright, ready for action
...

If you go into your boss’s office and you notice her body’s hunched over her
desk, wait to be invited before speaking
...

Although a relaxed sitting position aids thinking and reflection be careful not
to hold the pose for too long
...


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The sitting erect position shows that you’re focused in the here and now and
that you’re ready to take a decision or progress an action
...
She made a point of sitting in the
front row during lectures, knowing that there she stood no chance of nodding
off or demonstrating any signs of boredom or lack of interest
...


Lying down
If you want to take some time for quiet contemplation, relaxation, and reflection you may find yourself wanting to lie down
...
You don’t find the prime
minister taking this position at a press conference
...
One quiet afternoon he
found himself sitting with his feet on his desk, leaning so far back in his chair
that he was almost prone
...
After he made up his mind how he was going to address
the partners at the review, and felt confident in his choices, he sat upright in
his chair and purposefully wrote his notes
...
By changing the position of your body, your frame of mind changes, too
...
By being self-aware you can keep the behaviours you like and eliminate those that you don’t
...

Plant your feet squarely underneath your knees, your knees under your hips,
pull up from the waist, and open your chest as if it’s a loved book
...
Although
somewhat overwhelmed at the prospect, and
feeling less than confident, she knew that were
she to show her fear, she’d lose her authority
and the respect of the King
...
She said that although she was

scared, she would act as if she were brave
...
’ She knew that if she projected the image she wanted to create, people
would respond to her accordingly, and all would
be well
...
She gained the respect of
the King, the admiration of his courtiers, and the
love of his children
...
You may have felt mood
changes, too
...
To do so, visualise yourself at your most confident
...
If other people are there, what
are they doing? How are they reacting to you? Make your visualisation as real
as you can
...
Having created this picture of yourself in your mind you can replicate it any time you’re feeling selfconscious, insecure, or lacking in confidence
...

Confident people don’t always feel confident
...


Using Posture to Aid Communication
I’m not saying that you can tell 100 per cent, exactly, precisely, and without a
doubt all the details of what someone is thinking by looking at her posture
...
Observing and registering what you notice about how people move and position themselves
gives you an insight into how best to communicate with them
...


Showing high and low status
through postural positions
If you think of people in authority you think of them in elevated terms
...
Open and confident posture is the
norm for individuals in high status positions
...
Their
posture is closed and protective
...
When she was put up for promotion the male
partners struggled when making their decision
...
When Indira and I worked on her personal impact,
she explained that she had been raised to show deference to people in positions
of authority
...
Her shoulders were
slightly hunched, her chest somewhat rolled in, and her head slightly bowed
...
She now stands upright, makes eye contact comfortably, and moves with authority
...


Look what’s talking
Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of
Psychology, University of California, Los
Angeles, and author of the seminal study of nonverbal communication, Silent Messages, is an
authority on communication
...
His findings have
become known as the 7 per cent, 38 per cent, 55

per cent Rule
...
According to Mehrabian
these three elements account differently for
understanding the emotional meaning behind
the message
...
Note, however,
that this research only applies to face-to-face
communication of feelings and attitudes
...
The
people who stand with their weight on one foot are the outsiders, and the ones
who lean in with their heads tilted slightly forward are the insiders
...

ߜ In many Eastern countries bowing is expected as a sign of respect
...

ߜ You’re more likely to hold your hands on hips in the presence of individuals whose status is equal to or lower than yours
...


Leaning forward to show
interest and liking
According to Professor Albert Mehrabian of UCLA, people who like each
other tend to lean in towards one another
...
The forward lean is a sign of intimacy and affection
...
Accomplished interviewers understand the
power of getting physically close to the person they’re interviewing
...
By appropriately moving into another person’s personal
space you’re demonstrating that you like her
...
They’re still physically
affectionate with one another and are comfortable cuddling and touching one
another
...
One Sunday Debbie and
Jonathan had a group of friends to lunch
...
Debbie immediately
rushed to Jonathan and leaned into his chest, giving him a hug with one arm,
as she cleaned up the counter with the dishtowel in her other
...


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If you carefully observe a group of individuals interacting you can tell their
degree of attention, involvement, relative status, and how they feel about one
another by the way each one positions her body in relation to the others
...
Those who are reflecting on what’s going on pull back
...
Someone who’s not interested or is bored with the conversation may
slump and look in another direction
...
If
someone is filled with happiness she smiles as her body moves forward
...
The expressions on the face
reveal the emotion
...

Stand upright with your feet hip width apart, put your hands on your hips,
lean forward and frown
...
Just by this slight change of posture and facial expression you
have conveyed two very different moods
...
This posture
both helps your energy rise and you to feel more engaged
...
He was feeling conflicted about the
interview because he was leaving his current job, not having progressed as
far in his career there as he’d wanted to
...
When he saw himself on video he realised the negative signals he was
giving out
...
When he saw himself again, he
observed how much more interested, engaged, and likable he seemed
...
The student
who’s called on by the lecturer to summarise the chapter that hasn’t been
read, raises her shoulders in submissive apology
...
A submissive gesture, the shrug absolves the shrugger
of any responsibility and indicates apology, disbelief, and lack of interest
...
He
labels these four elements key elements
because they can, on their own, convey the
message
...
Hunched shoulders
...
Both shoulders are not
required to convey the shrug
...

2
...
The
palms of the hands face upward in an open
position
...

3
...
The head and body
remain still as the corners of the mouth turn
down
...

Any of these four individual gestures, taken on
their own and in context, can be perceived as a
shrug
...
The
amplifier in a full shrug is tilting the head to one
side
...
It has to work
in combination with one or more key elements
to convey the point
...
People from
Mediterranean and Latin countries use their
gestures freely whereas Anglo-Saxons and
Asians are more restricted in their use of physical movement
...
Raised eyebrows
...
And then the unanticipated
comes and you freeze like a deer panicking in the headlights
...
A well-trained
observer, however, would spot the nano-second, micro-movement of your
shoulders as your head momentarily drops into your rising shoulders like a
turtle sucking its head into its shell
...
English was not their mother tongue and they struggled
to understand Guy as he gave them detailed directions
...
They raised their shoulders and hands in bewilderment as they tilted

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their heads as if that would help them understand him better
...
The final lift of the old woman’s
shoulders indicated that perhaps they had their doubts
...
Because of the
submissive actions that make up a shrug – head pulled down into the shoulders, open forward facing palms serving as a shield, raised eyebrows, and a
tilted head – the action indicates that you don’t want to be drawn in
...
By holding your open palms
in front of you you’re showing that although you have nothing to conceal
you’re also setting up a barrier between you and another person
...


Figure 7-5:
Forward
facing
palms serve
to push the
problem
away
...
Inevitably, at the end of lessons
a mess of test tubes, beakers, and other related items wait to be cleaned and
put away in their proper place
...

If you want to indicate that you want to remain neutral and uninvolved, raise
your hand to shoulder height with your palm facing outwards and slightly
shrug both shoulders
...

A man of few words and the grand gesture, John had been in a foul temper for
most of the day
...
Realising that he’d been out-of-sorts and treating Louise unfairly, John
left the house, returning shortly with a large bouquet of tulips, Louise’s
favourite flowers
...
The lift of his shoulders, his raised eyebrows, his slightly
turned down mouth, and his dropped head as he presented the flowers to
Louise conveyed his apology
...

Raise your shoulders up towards your ears and tighten them as much as you
can
...
Roll your
shoulders in circles both backwards and forwards to complete the tension
release
...


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Chapter 8

Arming Yourself
In This Chapter
ᮣ Shutting people out
ᮣ Letting someone in
ᮣ Disguising anxiety
ᮣ Sending signals through bodily contact

W

hether you’re crossing your arms as a protective shield or opening
them as a sign of welcome, the way you position your arms tells an
astute observer how you’re feeling
...
Crossed arms hold your feelings in and
keep other people’s out
...
Stay with this position for too long and you
find yourself feeling shut off and negative
...

As for contact, touching can be a great tonic as long as you know who, when,
where, and how
...

This chapter shows you how you can read arms signals, appear self-controlled, and increase your influence through physical contact
...
Ducking your head, averting your body, even tightening
your lips and narrowing your eyes, are all examples of defensive behaviours
...


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Arms crossed on your chest
When you were a small child and feeling threatened and insecure, you may
have hidden behind your mother’s skirts or a solid piece of furniture
...
During your teen years you probably
relaxed your grip and added crossed legs to the equation in order to appear
more cool and less obvious
...
Not only does it serve as a protective guard against
a possible attack, crossed arms also represent an inflexible position that tells
you that this person’s not budging
...

You may also cross your arms over your chest if you’re feeling anxious, or are
lacking confidence
...

People who say that they cross their arms over their chests because it’s comfortable are right
...
So, if someone feels negative, self-protective, or in any way
uneasy, even if he’s not consciously aware of these feelings, it is quite
common for that person to cross his arms
...

The meaning of the message is in the receiver
...
Even if you’re comfortable with your
arms crossed over your chest, people observing you are going to interpret
your attitude as defensive
...

If you adopt the crossed arm position when you’re in a group of people you
soon notice other members of the group adopting the same pose
...


Chapter 8: Arming Yourself

Blocking out information
Two groups of volunteers were asked to participate in an American research project in which
the participants attended a series of lectures
...

The first group was instructed to sit in a casual,
relaxed position, with their arms and legs in an

open position
...
The study showed that the group
with the folded arms had a more negative view
of both the lectures and the lecturer and
retained 38 per cent less information than the
group that sat with their arms and legs
uncrossed
...
A landowner applied to the local council to turn his farm into a golf
course
...
Those in favour of the change sat on one side
of the room while those against the proposal sat on the other
...
As the supporters spoke in favour of the proposal, more
and more of the opponents crossed their arms
...
As the
meeting progressed and people became more adamant and agitated, almost
the entire gathering sat with their arms tightly folded across their chests
...

An attitude can lead to a gesture or posture that reflects the emotion
...
Therefore, to get someone to
change from a crossed-arm position, give him something to do or hold
...
This breaks his negative
posture and creates a more open body position, which in turn leads to a
more open attitude
...

The person appears to be fortifying himself against adversity and holding on
for dear life
...


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Depending on their level of concern they may grip their arms so tightly that
their fingers and knuckles turn white
...
This position demonstrates hostility as well as defensiveness, and can lead to aggressive behaviour
...

If someone crosses his arms and clenches his fists when you’re speaking to
him, open your arms and expose your palms in a non-threatening, submissive
position
...

The crossed-arms, clenched-fists posture is a sign of control and authority
...
Interestingly, people
who carry weapons seldom cross their arms because they already feel protected by their weapon
...
This position demonstrates both apprehension and confidence
...

When you first meet a group of people, you can demonstrate your status and
superiority by not folding your arms
...

Richard was recently promoted to partner in a prestigious city law firm
...
After shaking
hands with the firm’s senior partner at a social event for the newly promoted
lawyers, Richard folded his arms with both thumbs pointing upward and
engaged his boss in conversation
...
This pose showed that while he was seemingly full of self-confidence he
also felt the need for some protection
...
Girls entering puberty tend to adopt this
protective position more frequently than more mature females
...


Touching yourself: Hugs,
strokes, and more
The way you touch yourself gives observers clues as to how you’re feeling
...
Some of the more common include the following:
ߜ Hugging or stroking yourself: When you were a child feeling distressed
or upset, your parents, or whoever was looking after you, would hold
you in their arms to comfort you
...
The most
common self-touching actions are rubbing your neck, stroking your
arms, or fondling your face
...
In this position, one arm crosses your body and holds
or touches the other arm, creating a partial barrier
...


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ߜ The fig leaf: Men hold hands with themselves in a barrier position to
make themselves feel secure
...
Look at the line-up of soccer players during a penalty kick
and see where they place their hands and arms
...
You see that he holds his
hands in the fig-leaf position in an attempt to create feelings of comfort and
reassurance
...


Placing objects in front of yourself
By placing a coffee cup, a clipboard, or any other object between yourself
and another person, you are setting up a protective barrier
...

During a role play with a client in which she had to enter her boss’s office, sit
across the table from him, and make a recommendation that she knew he
wouldn’t like, Lynne clutched a pad of paper in front of her, clasping it tightly
to her chest
...
So strong were her subconscious feelings that not even seeing
herself on video convinced her that a different posture would create a
stronger, more authoritative and professional appearance
...
This action creates a subtle barrier, behind which you can seek refuge
...


Giving the cold shoulder
As you are undoubtedly a kind and thoughtful person who would never purposely insult anyone, this section is probably superfluous to your requirements
...
With a look of disdain, a downward turn of the
mouth, and the briefest of glances, the gesture leaves the recipient in no
doubt of your feelings of scorn and derision towards him
...
This position
says that you’ve got nothing to hide and are approachable and amenable
...
By leaving your body exposed you’re indicating that you’re receptive to
whatever comes your way
...
The moment the winner
sinks his final putt, crosses the finish line, or scores the winning goal his
arms open with the thrill of victory
...

Every summer my son, Max, and I visit his godmother, Libby, who is my dearest lifelong friend
...
The moment Libby sees us exit the
customs hall, she flings her arms open before folding us in her embrace
...

If you want to persuade someone to your viewpoint, hold your arms in an
open position
...
You’re perceived as sincere, direct, and trustworthy, as long as your other gestures are equally open and forthright
...

Just because someone is continually in the
public eye doesn’t mean that he’s comfortable
being on show
...
Instead of folding both
arms in an obvious protective barrier or grasping hold of one arm, the person touches a personal object on himself such as a watch, shirt
cuff, or ring
...
Here are a few
other gestures you may have noticed:
ߜ Holding a handbag: The Queen is rarely
seen in public without her handbag
...

They have other people to do that for them
...

Holding the bag over her arm immediately
sets up a protective barrier between herself
and her public
...

ߜ Playing with a pocket: Prince Charles has
devised a way of slipping his right hand into
his jacket pocket that’s intended to give an
impression of a relaxed attitude
...
Firstly, he turns up the flap of his
pocket
...
He often
leaves his thumb protruding so that his
entire hand is not hidden
...

ߜ Fiddling with cufflinks: Another gesture
particular to Prince Charles is the cuff-link
fiddle
...
This gesture allows
his arms to cross in front of his body and
serves no purpose other than to give himself a sense of security
...
Roger
Moore, when playing James Bond, also
adjusted his cuffs before facing an adversary
...

ߜ Tidying a tie: Men in public view often
straighten their ties as they move from one
spot to another
...
This gesture is a symbolic way
of making sure that everything’s in place
and nothing’s on show that shouldn’t be
...
This is his way of preparing himself for
what’s coming next, making sure that what’s
already looking good stays that way, and
displacing any anxiety he may feel
...

Touching is a great way to offer comfort, create a bond, and increase your
influence
...
Others use it as a signal that they want to interrupt you
...
You also see people touch one another when there’s a disaster or
when they’re listening to another person’s troubles
...
Touch in an appropriate way and you
come across as a caring, sharing kind of person
...
Like most things, it’s not what you do,
it’s how you do it
...
People tend
to relate a touch to a sexual advance when the intention may simply be
to show support, express sympathy, or demonstrate tender feelings
...
Some people are natural touchers and freely give, and comfortably receive, hugs and kisses
...
If in doubt, don’t touch
...
Until you know someone well, proceed with
caution
...
The findings consistently conclude that your
opposite-sex friends have more leeway about where they can place their
hands on you than your same-sex friends
...
Mothers are allowed more
leeway, but not fathers
...
For example, what you may consider to be an affectionate gesture,
such as patting a child on the head or ruffling a friend’s hair, is highly
insulting in Thailand
...
For example, during a child’s infancy both parents are
comfortable bathing and changing the child
...
This occurs slightly earlier
for his daughter than for his son
...


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If you’re having a conversation with someone who you find appealing, allow
your hand to touch his slightly while you speak
...
If you’re uninterested in or are repulsed by the
person, your touch is brief and uncommitted
...
The tradition of
touching wood after making a boasting statement stems from the ancient act
of touching the sacred oak to appease the god Thor
...


Creating a bond
Consciously make physical contact with someone and you immediately
establish a connection between the two of you
...
The power of
touch is binding
...
The double-handed handshake is a favourite of anyone seeking to
connect with another person
...

The next time you shake hands with someone you’ve just been introduced to,
lightly touch him on his hand or elbow with your left hand as you repeat his
name
...
Plus, repeating the person’s name helps you to remember it
...

Patting a friend on the back, giving a chum a hug, or squeezing a colleague on
the arm, are gestures that convey friendship and camaraderie
...
The young men were comfortable with this level
of reciprocal touching between equals
...
At no time did any of the players
touch their coaches in a similar fashion
...
In contrast,
they demonstrated respect for their coaches’ authority by treating them in a
different manner
...
Holding the touch
for longer than three seconds makes the other person wonder what your
intentions are
...
You may be perceived as overly
ambitious or familiar if you touch someone with a higher status this way
...
If you know the person
you’re speaking to well and you have a good rapport, you can feel comfortable touching that person at length
...
Think of times when you’ve
accidentally brushed up against a stranger or someone you didn’t know very
well
...


Demonstrating dominance
Something to remember about touching is that it’s a hierarchical gesture
...
The doctor touches the
patient, the teacher touches the student, and the priest touches the parishioner
...

At his annual summer office party Paul, the chairman of the company, circulated amongst his staff, placing his hand on the shoulders of many of the
younger men, and giving the female employees a squeeze on the upper arm in
greeting
...
Whether
they were aware of it or not, they knew it would be inappropriate and impertinent to reciprocate the touch
...
A male
boss who touches his female secretary, does so as a sign of power and control
...
Whereas a man’s touch is
perceived as paternal and powerful, a woman’s touch is interpreted as a prelude to intimacy with sexual intent
...

Avoid touching work colleagues
...

Research suggests that men perceive women as ‘uptight’ when they complain
about men presumptuously touching them
...
The research also shows that men may interpret a woman’s
touch as conveying sexual intent, whether this is the case or not
...

Unless the people who are touching one another are of equal status, the
person who is in a higher position is the one who, in theory, initiates the contact
...
Without considering the potential implications and reactions, Paul Keating, the Australian Prime Minister at that time,
put his arm around the Queen’s waist in an effort to guide her as she walked
amongst the crowds
...

The Australians didn’t understand what the palaver was all about
...


Reinforcing the message
Touch is a powerful gesture
...

Say you’re arguing with another person
...
This is an
extreme example of reinforcing a negative message
...

Your little girl falls down and scrapes her knee
...
Here, the touch
is a calming and placating action meant to reassure and to console
...
The type of touch determined the type of message being reinforced
...
You see the product and your visual sense is
stimulated
...

And when you touch the product, whether soft carpet or smooth leather, your
kinaesthetic response reinforces the message that this product is something
that you like the feel of
...


Chapter 8: Arming Yourself

The mother of the senses
An embryo, rocking in its mother’s amniotic
fluids, is sensitive to touch
...
At 12 weeks its fingers and thumb

can make a fist
...


If you think about it, your skin is your biggest organ
...
Skin is your oldest and most sensitive
organ, too
...
Your sense
of touch began in the womb
...

Before touching another person you need to establish a connection with him
...
In a relationship between two or more people, the dominant person, or
the one holding authority, implicitly has the permission to touch
...
Most draw into themselves to keep from touching the people sitting or standing next to them
...
At one point during their conversation Caroline was on the
verge of tears
...
She let her hand rest there until Caroline composed herself
...
By combining this gesture with a forward lean and speaking sympathetically, Jo was able to help Caroline relax
and see things from a more peaceful perspective
...


Increasing your influence
Out of your five senses (sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch) your sense of
touch is your oldest and most responsive
...


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If you touch someone on the arm or shoulder when you’re asking him a
favour, he may well agree
...

So, how can you tell if someone welcomes touch or is adverse to it? Observe
how he relates to other people and objects
...

A person who avoids self-contact and doesn’t fiddle with figurines is telling
you to keep your hands to yourself
...
She hoped that her son would find himself a profitable career selling homes and properties
...
He felt he didn’t have the
necessary skills and doubted his ability to close a deal
...
Her touch felt comforting and Todd’s body
became less tense
...


Embracing during greetings
and departures
The next time you’re at an airport, watch how friends and family members
hug when they’re arriving and when they’re departing
...
When they first see one another, the hug is intense and the
embrace strong
...
The departure hug is shorter and less passionate
...

Part of my duties as on-board hostess for Holland American Cruise Lines was
to stand at the gangplank for meeting and greeting of the passengers
...
When the passengers
first arrived there was little touching if any between us, as I welcomed them
on board
...
I definitely used my
hands to guide others
...

Embraces, hugs, and heartfelt handshakes – we were new best friends united
...
Some I even gave an extra little
squeeze
...


Chapter 9

It’s in the Palm of Your Hand
In This Chapter
ᮣ Discovering how hand positions indicate attitudes
ᮣ Making your fingers do the talking
ᮣ Feeling for different handshakes
ᮣ Displacement activities

S

cientific research shows that more nerve connections exist between
the hands and the brain than between any other parts of the body
...
By the way you position your hands, rub your palms, and
fiddle with your fingers you’re telling anyone who’s paying attention what
you’re really feeling
...
Before you know it, your hands illustrate a point
you’re making and are effective in demonstrating both your sincerity as well
as your annoyance
...

In this chapter you discover how you can use your hands to support the
spoken word and add substance to your message
...
You see how other people reinforce what they
mean by the way they mimic the actions or situations they’re describing
...


Up or Down: Reading Palms
Numerous experiments have been conducted to record how people respond
to hand gestures
...
When the speaker delivers the same message with the palm facing
downward the positive response rate drops significantly
...
The listener reacts negatively toward the speaker,
tunes out what she’s saying and makes personal judgements about her
...
It’s a positive position and
is helpful for establishing rapport with another person
...
The next time you walk past a pleading street beggar
look at how her hand is positioned
...


Showing honesty
If you want a simple way to tell if someone is being open and honest with you
look at where her palms are facing
...
When
people hold their hands in a front facing open position the words that would
match this position would be along the lines of, ‘Honestly, I mean what I’m
saying
...
’

Figure 9-1:
The open
palm
indicates
honesty
and trustworthiness
...
But you’re able to detect that something’s not quite
right because other gestures of honesty, such as open facial expressions,
calm breathing, and a relaxed stance, are missing
...
This person’s a fraud!’

Making a connection
You often wave to someone you know when seeing her from a distance
...
This is a similar gesture to the one you use when waving good-bye
...

A good way to make contact with a large group of people is to hold out one
or both of your hands with your fingers spread apart and your palms facing
upwards
...


Figure 9-2:
The raised
open palm
draws your
audience in
...
It probably dates back to late
Roman times when assassinations were not
uncommon
...
A similar gesture developed for
armoured knights who raised their visors with
the right hand when meeting a fellow comrade
...
In early
American history it wasn’t uncommon for a man
to remove his hat in greeting
...

Traditionally, the British military saluted by
taking their hats off as a sign of respect
...
Because of the wear and tear on
the hats by constant removal and replacing the

soldiers were instructed to clap their hands to
their hats and bow as they passed by their
superiors
...

By the mid 19th century, the Army salute took
the form of an open hand, tightly closed fingers,
palm to the front, the gesture that remains
today
...
This gesture can be traced back to the
days of sailing ships, when the ship’s timber
was sealed with tar and pitch to protect it from
the seawater
...
As it was considered highly
undignified to show a dirty palm when saluting,
the hand was turned to a 90-degree angle
...
Otherwise, you may look like you’re hiding something
...
)
You can also use open-hand gestures to connect with your listeners, helping
them to grasp an idea that you’re explaining or showing them that you value
their opinions:
ߜ Say that you want to plant a thought into someone’s mind without verbally force-feeding the idea
...
Then slowly beat your open hands rhythmically up and down and watch the light bulb turn on as the listener sees
the picture
...
The gesture is as though you’re giving her a gift
...


Chapter 9: It's in the Palm of Your Hand
ߜ Watch someone who wants you to come on board with her way of thinking
...
If you find yourself using this gesture when you speak you may also be attempting to grasp your own suggestion or idea
...
This position is used for
giving orders where no room exists for discussion
...
Do as I say!’
You have to be careful when using this gesture, especially if your fingers are
tightly closed because of its association with dominance and tyranny
...
Hitler purposely selected
this gesture
...

If you want to calm down a tense situation or ask for quiet, hold out both
your palms slightly pointed downwards with your fingers slightly separated
and gently beat them up and down
...


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Closed-palm, finger-pointed
Close your palm into a fist, point your index finger, and look out, world!
You’ve just created a symbolic club for beating into submission anyone who’s
listening (see Figure 9-4)
...
Don’t be surprised if the
memory makes you cringe
...
That’s because it comes from our primate ancestors who
shake their ‘fists’ before pummelling their opposition into submission with a
right over-arm blow
...
Again, it’s as if you’re being beaten with a sharp stick
...

The finger wag moves rhythmically sideways, back and forth like a
metronome
...


Figure 9-4:
The closedpalm,
pointedfinger is
threatening
and
aggressive
...
Not one of
the most conciliatory of gestures, use it at your peril
...
You find
that you can create a positive impact on people and a relaxed atmosphere
...
They serve
as a substitution for words as well as supporting the spoken word by illustrating and amplifying what you’re saying
...
When you’re emphasising a point your hands move in
time with your words
...
These kinds of hand
gestures make complicated explanations more comprehensible
...
What your hands are
saying is, ‘I don’t want to talk!’
Take yourself back to your childhood
...
You quickly pull it out and stick it behind your back
while saying, ‘No! Honestly! I didn’t take anything!’ And all the time your hand
stays hidden
...
You’ve been out on the town with your pals,
you arrive home as the sun is rising, and your parent/spouse/partner asks
you where you’ve been
...
If you’re a woman you busy
your hands with a flurry of activities
...


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Many (many!) years ago when my husband Karl was starting off in sales he
was told to watch the customers’ hands when they were giving reasons why
they couldn’t buy his product
...
He also noticed that when someone was being less than truthful her
hand movements were reduced and kept more concealed
...

How quickly you rub them indicates who’s going to benefit
...

You can bet that whatever positive result may happen is going to happen for
anyone but you
...
If someone is offering you an opportunity and is rubbing her
hands together quickly as she speaks, you can feel assured that her proposal
is good for you
...
She may
well quickly rub her palms together with a big smile on her face
...
No, I wasn’t a
showgirl! However, I occasionally went to the casinos and observed the
gamblers
...
This action, along with the look on their faces, indicated that they
were expecting something positive to happen
...

ߜ The car salesman or real estate agent sits you down and asks whether
you’re ready to pull out your cheque book, rubbing her hands slowly
together as she does so
...
And if it works out for you, it probably
works out for her
...
But look again
...
By folding
your hands you’re indicating that you’re holding something in them that you
don’t want to let out
...
And they may be
...

The next time you’re in a meeting and the speaker refuses to give anyone else
a chance to talk, watch the hand positions of the rest of the group
...

If you’re speaking with someone whose hands are clenched you can bet that
she’s holding annoyance, negativity, or frustration
...
The longer they remain in
the closed position the longer the hostile attitude remains
...
Chances are that you were clenching your hands for
all you were worth and your knuckles were a bright white: the stronger the
emotion, the tighter the clench
...


In front of the face
Studies indicate that the higher the hands are held in the clenched position
the stronger the negative mood (see Figure 9-5)
...
By putting her hands
near her mouth she’s indicating that she’s holding back what she would like
to say
...
She just may unclench those hands
and let the words fly out!

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Anne is a fast thinking, focused, and determined businesswoman
...

She values her staff enormously and makes a point of having a few minutes of
personal conversation with them all during the week
...
Nigel has worked for Anne
for 16 years and likes to have a chat and a gossip
...
The moment she sees him coming Anne puts her
elbows on her desk and clenches her hands in front of her face
...
Although Nigel doesn’t
seem to read the signals Anne’s secretary knows that gesture is a sure sign of
her frustration and annoyance
...


Figure 9-5:
Hands in the
clenched
raised
position
indicate
negativity
...
Although you’re quite annoyed

Chapter 9: It's in the Palm of Your Hand
about being interrupted you want to appear cordial and welcoming
...

If the interloper is paying attention she sees that by holding your hands in a
clenched position you’re holding back a negative emotion
...


The fig leaf
A lot of people stand with their hands folded in front of their private parts
(see Figure 9-6)
...
They’re probably
subconsciously feeling threatened and looking for a position that offers protection
...
And, now their hands have something to do
...
The reason the position’s comfortable is because it acts like a
shield
...


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Letting the Fingers Do the Talking
If you look at the way people use their hands when they’re speaking you can
see that they often look like they’re holding onto their words
...

Your hands and fingers also grab themselves when you’re feeling under pressure, frustrated, or conversely, when you want to demonstrate control or
authority
...
Finding no answer there I put my fingers to
my mouth
...
Shift to resting my chin in my palms as I search for
inspiration
...


The precision grip
Hold something small between your thumb and fingertips
...
This is the precision grip, shown in
Figure 9-7, which allows you to hold and manipulate an object precisely
...


Chapter 9: It's in the Palm of Your Hand
Now, when you’re speaking and want to say something accurately or delicately press your fingers and thumb together in a similar position with your
palm facing towards you
...

To focus your listener’s attention and be seen as authoritative place your
index finger against your thumb in the ‘okay’ gesture with your palm facing
outward and your fingers softly rounded
...

This gesture is a favourite of modern politicians
...
Before making any definite gesture find out what is acceptable behaviour and what may cause
offence
...
)
When you ask a question or are feeling uncertain about a point you’re making
or responding to, you may well find that your thumb and index finger are
almost – but not quite – touching (see Figure 9-8)
...
When the fingers do
come together in a definite grip it’s as if they’ve grabbed the information and
are holding onto it
...


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The power grip
People who want to be perceived as strong, serious, and forceful use their
whole fist to make a point (see Figure 9-9)
...

You can use this gesture effectively in two ways
...
If,
however, you mean business and are taking no prisoners, close your fingers
into a fist and watch the fur fly
...
Wow! Look at that tightly closed
fist pumping up and down as if beating a big bass drum
...


Figure 9-9:
The power
grip demonstrates
conviction
and
determination
...
This gesture is also the one
you can use when your team scores, your proposal is accepted, or you win
the lottery
...
This is a way of getting people to take your message
seriously without having to act out with an abundance of force
...
You’ll be perceived as in control and sure of what you’re
doing
...
Hopefully,
you’re just hitting empty air rather than a person or an object
...
In other words,
you mean business!
To demonstrate real forcefulness when you’re speaking and to underline your
determination to swash-buckle your way through the obstacle course, turn
your hand into a symbolic axe blade by positioning it sideways with your fingers held closely together (see Figure 9-10)
...
Your hand and arm start acting like a meat cleaver and
woe betide the person who gets in your way
...
Cross both your forearms in front of your body and make outward cutting motions with your
hands
...

When my teenage son Max was doing his best to convince me why he should
be allowed to travel the world on his own, I wasn’t about to be swayed
...
Not only
did my words say, ‘No’, everything I was doing was rejecting his proposal
...


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Figure 9-10:
The
chopping
gesture
demonstrates clear
conviction
...
You can achieve this position by letting your finger tips lightly touch like the steeple on a building
...
Lawyers, accountants, and anyone in a
position of authority frequently give instructions or advice with their fingers
in this position
...

Use the raised steeple position judiciously
...
If you tilt your head backwards
when taking this position don’t be surprised if you’re perceived as smug
or arrogant
...
You look interested and
ready to respond when you put your hands together like this
...


Chapter 9: It's in the Palm of Your Hand

Figure 9-11:
The lowered
steeple
indicates a
listening
attitude
...
Look at prominent male members of
royal families around the world
...
They all adopt this position of authority
...

The next time you’re in a stressful or uncomfortable situation, adopt the
palm-in-palm-behind-the-back stance
...

As the grip moves up the arm, though, the meaning changes
...
This gesture is a way of maintaining self-control, as if the hand is holding the wrist or arm to keep it from hitting out
...
By the
time the hand reaches the upper arm this person may have moved from frustration to anger
...


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Gesturing with your thumbs
Gestures associated with the thumb convey dominance, superiority, and in
some cases aggression so it’s not surprising that in palmistry the thumb
denotes strength of character and ego
...
Woe betide the person under the thumb, as
according to ancient Roman history the thumb turned down served as a sign
of imminent death
...
But be
careful using this gesture as in some cultures it’s perceived as rude and
highly offensive
...
Although both men and women
use this gesture, it’s the rare woman who adopts the position of holding
her jacket lapel with the thumb exposed, whereas men often do
...

Andrew had the unfortunate habit of ridiculing Jane, his wife, in front of their
friends
...
Although Jane told him how irritating she found this gesture, as well
as the accompanying remarks, Andrew took no notice
...


Analysing Handshakes
Shaking hands upon meeting is a tradition that creates a bond of solidarity
...
Scuttle along to the Roman period, where it was common to carry
concealed daggers up ones sleeve
...

As the handshake evolved it became a gesture to cement agreements, offer a
welcome, and bid someone farewell
...


Chapter 9: It's in the Palm of Your Hand

Deciding who reaches out first
Although shaking hands when meeting another person for the first time is
customary, in some instances making the first move may not be appropriate
...
Yet if you consider the person you’re meeting
to be your equal and you’re both glad to see one another, you simultaneously
extend your hands in greeting
...
If you put your hand out first she may feel
forced to shake your hand, creating a negative feeling
...

Because some people aren’t sure whether or not to shake a woman’s hand in
a business context, the woman should extend her hand first to show that
she’s comfortable to shake hands
...


Conveying attitude
Some people shake hands as if they’re Attila the Hun about to put you in your
place
...

Still others present you with a cold, clammy hand reminiscent of a wet mackerel
...

University of Alabama professor William Chaplin and his students examined
the relationship between personality and styles of handshakes
...
They also found that
women who have an open attitude to new experiences use a firm handshake
...
These people seem to have an
overly aggressive attitude to compensate for their ineffectualness
...

To avoid a potentially painful handshake both men and women should avoid
wearing rings on your right hands in a business context
...
This has even more impact if other people are present
observing the interaction
...

George lacks social skills and is unaware of how much pressure he puts into
his handshakes
...
Women find it especially uncomfortable to shake hands with George
...

One friend mused, ‘If he does that shaking hands I wonder what happens
when he kisses you?’

The wet fish
If you’ve ever been presented with a totally limp hand to shake you know
how unconnected it feels when your hands meet
...
Granted, surgeons and concert pianists need to guard their fingers and are known for
their soft handshakes
...

Some people offer the uncommitted handshake for other reasons
...
Very strong people sometimes offer a soft handshake as a
way of highlighting their physical power
...

Bonnie comes from Dallas, Texas, and works for a large investment firm in
London
...
Although she’s
highly accomplished, her boss and peers perceive her as being quite submissive
...

Regardless of the million pound deals she regularly lands, she still highlights
her femininity by offering a soft handshake, as she was taught to do growing
up in the southern USA
...


The power shake
At times you may want to show that you have the upper hand, meaning that
you’re strong and in control
...
Although your palm doesn’t have to be completely turned over so that it faces directly downward, the slight turning
shows that you’re in charge
...
This is because the hand down position is associated
with dominance and control whereas the upward facing palm conveys compliance and passivity
...


The double-hander
The double-hander is a favourite in the corporate and political arena
...
By using it you increase the
amount of physical contact and by restricting the receiver’s right hand you
gain control of the interaction
...
Ideally, this handshake should only be used
where a personal relationship already exists
...
Then, before she knows what you’re up
to, put your left hand on top of her right to create a double-hander
...

When you use the two-handed handshake, the left hand conveys two points
worth noting
...
The higher up the arm your left hand goes, as shown in
Figure 9-12, the deeper the level of intimacy you want to show
...
The
second point is that your left hand invades the receiver’s personal space
...
If in doubt, don’t use it; especially on your boss
...
They grab your hand, shake it,
and then hang on until you want to pry their fingers off
...
By prolonging the contact they’re engaging you for
longer than you may have wanted
...
Such as,
‘Excuse me, I have to go now’ even though you may have just arrived!

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Figure 9-12:
Intimacy
and control
increase as
the left hand
moves up
the arm
...

In the first instance, you propel your arm forward, forcefully grip the
receiver’s extended hand, and simultaneously go into a quick reverse thrust,
yanking her into your space and huddling over the handshake until you’re
ready to let it go
...
You’re in charge
...
That’s what you call getting the relationship off on the wrong foot!
If you invade the other person’s territory you extend your arm fully, forcing
the other person to retreat back into her domain
...


Chapter 9: It's in the Palm of Your Hand

Figure 9-13:
Space
invaders
demand
power and
control
...
Your hands should meet in no-man’s
land, halfway between your space and the other person’s
...
Chances are that you
perceive the person on the left side of the picture to have the edge
...
Savvy politicians are aware of the impact this
body position makes and jockey to place themselves to the right of their colleague, or adversary, in order to come out on the left in the photo
...
If you want to
increase your power play, place your left hand on your colleague’s back while
shaking hands
...


Displacing Your Energy
If you ever noticed yourself drumming your fingers, pulling your earlobe,
touching your face, or scratching your head when you haven’t got an itch,
you’re experiencing displacement activities
...

People who are experiencing frustration or internal conflict often feel the
need to take action
...


Drumming for relief
If you’re in a meeting and someone’s drumming her fingers on the table, pay
attention
...
Bored, frustrated, or even
irritated; the percussionist is impatient
...
He recently found out that his
colleagues call him ‘Thumper’ because of his constant finger drumming
during meetings
...
When he’s bored he drums the four fingers of his right hand in quick
succession
...
When he’s prepared to conclude the meeting he knocks his
knuckles on the table
...


Fiddling for comfort
Notice what you do the next time you feel anxious
...
You may jangle your keys, twist a ring on your finger, or adjust
your clothes
...

The purpose of these actions is to ease any nervousness you may be feeling
...
These actions are sometimes
referred to as ‘adaptors’ because they help you adapt to your internal tension
...

Unconsciously you may find yourself stroking your face, running your fingers
over your lips, or rubbing the back of your neck when you’re feeling upset
...


Hand to nose
When your hand goes to your nose you know a falsehood is going on inside
...

As I was walking my dog Henry, thinking about my day’s challenges, I began
to notice that each time I moved from one thought to the next my hand made
a definite movement
...
Granted, it was cold, my body was warm, and my nose
was running, so I had to wipe it
...

The act of self-touching signals a need for reassurance
...

To tell if someone’s feeling under pressure, observe her hand to face gestures
...

Resting your hand on your cheek is like resting your hand on your pillow
...
In meetings, lectures, and restaurants you see people resting their heads on their hands as
negative feelings creep in
...
The change catches their attention and
saves you the embarrassment of heads collapsing into hands in an embarrassing heap
...
Mannerisms are
a sure sign to a person’s state of being and are
more difficult to disguise than facial features
...
During any assessment of
another person look to her hands to see what
they’re like
...
Any irregularity,
including shape and colour, is evidence of

physical poor health and psychological stress
and anxiety
...
If any of the nails, especially the thumb,
have been sucked they may show teeth markings
...
It’s doubtful that she
confines her stress behaviours to nail biting
alone
...


Hand to chin
The chin resting on the top of the hand is a sign of thinking: The person’s
pondering something
...
She’s listened and now she’s making an assessment
...
The pose indicates that she’s weighing up the merits of the
argument
...
You probably planted your feet firmly on the ground and got
on with what you had to do
...

You’ve stamped your foot in anger – or known someone who has – you’ve
rubbed your ankle up against another’s as well as your own, and you’ve
stood with your weight on one leg in boredom, as well as bouncing on your
toes in excitement
...
You also discover what the swinging foot is
saying, as well as the pointed toe
...
What you
choose to do with that foundation depends on what you want to show and
how you want to be perceived
...

You can spot status by the way a person stands
...
The petty officer stands to attention when his superior
enters the room
...


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Part III: The Trunk: Limbs and Roots
The person who slouches, who lets his head droop, his shoulders hunch, and
his feet turn inwards shows submission, a lack of commitment, and indicates
that he’s withdrawing, or holding back
...
When standing in this position the natural
inclination is to hold your head high, shoulders back, and stomach in
...

If you want to assess a person’s attitude, look at how he’s standing
...
If you want to be perceived as powerful, influential, and in
control, stand with your legs slightly apart with your weight evenly distributed between them
...
It requires that your legs are straight, and that
your feet are placed wide apart with your weight equally distributed between
them
...
Their height notwithstanding, men also adopt this position more frequently in the company of other people when they’re using their
posture as a means of communication
...
This
custom was mostly reserved for royalty and meant that the women whose
feet had been bound were unable to stand on their own two feet without
causing pain
...
He’s also showing you who’s boss by filling more
space and covertly presenting his bits
...
At the celebration party after the match, a group of boys
stood in a circle, talking amongst themselves
...
Even at such a young age the boys were showing their machismo
and their solidarity
...


If you’re feeling defeated and want to change your mood, adopt the straddle
stance, with your head held high, and your shoulders back
...


Threatening signs
Throughout history and across cultures, phallic displays have been considered signs of dominance
...
Exposing himself this way, even though he may be fully covered,
demonstrates that as far as he’s concerned, he’s the boss
...
If they stand face to face with their feet apart, their
hands on their hips, or their fingers and thumbs tucked into their belt loops
or the tops of their pockets, they probably don’t like one another very much
and are looking for trouble
...


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The codpiece
In 1482 the codpiece came into being after
Edward IV imposed a law forbidding men below
the rank of Lord to wear short doublets that
exposed their genitalia
...

Originally designed as a triangular piece of
fabric tied at the three corners, or stitched at
the bottom angle and tied at the top two angles,
the codpiece fitted over the gap in the front of
the hose
...

Developing from a flat piece of fabric, the codpiece transmogrified into bombastic shapes
...
Over the course of
a century, padding was added to the pouches
until they were finally discarded in favour of
large, padded shapes of unfathomable dimensions serving no function other than enhancement
...

During the reign of Henry VIII the codpiece progressed into a loaf shape, after which it turned

into an elongated oval that temptingly peeped
out from the puffy folds of the Elizabethan trunk
hose
...

In the 1550s, the male members of the Spanish
court, flushed with viral pride over their successes in the New World, sported codpieces
resembling permanent erections
...
However, this item did
not completely disappear and can be seen in
Jacobean portraits in early 17th century
England
...

The distinguishing feature of his design was an
enormous codpiece-like set of genitalia
...
Many rock stars and fetishists continue
to wear codpieces for that reason
...
Men in New Guinea proclaim their position in the community by the size and decorative features of
their penis sheaths
...

In the latest James Bond film the British actor, Daniel Craig, strides out of the
ocean wearing a swimsuit that unashamedly draws the eye to his crotch
...


Chapter 10: Standing Your Ground

Parallel stance
The parallel stance (shown in Figure 10-2) is a subordinate position where the
legs are straight and the feet are placed closely together
...

Feet placed closely together reduce the foundation for standing and make the
stance more precarious
...
People who aren’t sure about their position on a subject adopt the parallel stance
...
A wider
stance provides a broader and firmer foundation
...


Figure 10-2:
The parallel
stance is a
sign of
uncertainty
and
submission
...
His stride was firm and
his legs moved crisply
...
When he
reached his commanding officer he smartly placed his feet together and kept
his position held high
...


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Taking a stance
To experience the contrasting sensations, attitudes, and impressions that result from standing in the straddle and parallel positions do the
following exercise
...

1
...

2
...

3
...

4
...


5
...

What feelings, thoughts, or attitudes did you
experience standing in that position? What
image does that posture convey to you? How
does your response to that image affect your
self-perception?
Repeat this exercise, this time standing in the
straddle stance
...
What differences do you notice?

Buttress stance
Built against or projecting from a wall, buttresses are architectural structures
designed to support or reinforce the wall to which they are attached
...

In the buttress stance you place most of your weight on a straight supporting
leg, allowing your other leg to serve as a buttress
...
Whichever it is, the foot most likely points away from
where the rest of the body is facing
...
The stance
bears a close resemblance to the act of walking
...
Although
you may not choose to move from the buttress stance, your legs are positioned so that they easily can
...

If you see someone repeatedly shifting his weight from one foot to the other
while in conversation with you, he’s signalling that he’s ready to take leave of
your company
...
The direction
the foot takes frequently points to the object the person is thinking about
...


Scissor stance
Think of your legs as if they were the two blades of a pair of scissors
...
This is an obvious defensive gesture, because the person is
doing his best to protect his most precious parts without resorting to putting
his hands over his jewels
...
)
When one leg is crossed over the other and one of the two knees is bent, the
position is called the ‘bent blade stance’
...
The feet are
placed in such a way that a speedy departure is impossible without legs and
feet struggling to uncoil themselves
...
The gesture often accompanies the crossed arm position,
reinforcing the barrier
...

ߜ Commitment and immobility: A person standing with his legs crossed
when in conversation is showing that he’s committed to the interaction
and has no intention of leaving
...

If someone tells you that he’s standing with his legs and arms crossed
because he’s cold, see how his hands and legs are positioned
...
His legs are stiff,
straight, and pushed tightly against each other
...
Their jackets are likely to be buttoned as well, giving a complete picture of people who are feeling submissive or defensive because they are symbolically denying access to themselves
...
Gentlemen and
posers would bear their weight on one leg, presenting the other with the inner thigh facing
...
Today, redcarpet celebrities know how to position their
legs to display them to their best advantage,
turning their feet outward to reveal their inner
thighs, the softer and most erogenous part of
their legs
...
The
leg twine in which the top of one foot locks itself around the other leg is used
almost exclusively by women
...

If you want to unlock a woman from the entwined leg position take a friendly
and low-key approach to her in order to get her to open up
...
Being uncertain of what
was expected of her, she stood in front of the class of 120 students, with one
foot drawn up behind her supporting leg and pressed against her calf
...
When she realised how she was standing, she placed both
feet firmly under her and found that she felt more confident and secure, and
was able to speak with authority and assurance
...
Studies show that
people meeting in a group for the first time usually stand with their arms and
legs in the crossed position
...
The procedure follows a predictable pattern that entails
uncrossing their legs first and placing their feet in the parallel pose
...
When the people feel comfortable
and at ease they move from the parallel stance to an open position in which
the feet are slightly apart and facing the other person
...
A person sitting in this position is unlikely to be convinced by anything
you may say or do
...

You’re less aware of where your feet are facing and what they’re doing than
you are of your eyes, which are about as close to your brain as they can get
...
The direction in which your feet point tells the observer where you want to go
...
While his face is smiling and his head nodding, his feet are
pointing away from you (see Figure 10-3)
...


Figure 10-3:
The woman
is indicating
that she’d
like to leave,
while the
man wants
to hold her
attention
...
Like a magnet,
they point in the direction of someone who appeals to you
...
At a recent party she
was flanked by a group of three men who struggled to take their eyes off her
...
Her feet shifted from man to man, reeling each of them in like a fish
on the line until she shifted her foot position towards her next target
...

If you want to show someone that you find him attractive, point your foot in
his direction
...
If you’re not interested in the person, or in what he’s
saying, keep your feet back
...

If you’re in conversation with another person and notice that he doesn’t
seem entirely engaged with you, look at where his feet are pointing
...
It was late and Wolfie was tired, bored,
and wanted to be in his own bed watching television
...
Had Wolfie looked, he would
have seen that while they were saying goodbye to their host, Daniela’s feet
remained pointed in the host’s direction, whereas Wolfie’s feet were heading
towards the door
...
The
feet say they want to flee and so are forced to fidget until the time comes to
walk or run
...
If you’re sitting with your legs crossed, you may twitch the
hanging foot up and down, or back and forth
...


Knotted ankles
Whether you’re sitting or standing, if you’ve knotted or twisted your ankles
together, the sign you’re giving is that you’re locked in and not budging
...
Knotted ankles are definitely not
a sign of someone who’s feeling confident and in command
...
Their bodies are reflecting their mental state, and there’s no
tension between the two
...

To appear more open, confident, and approachable, uncross your ankles
...

When he watched himself on videotape he discovered that he was standing
with his ankles crossed in front of him
...
As a result of seeing himself in action, Shaun was able to
adjust his behaviour
...

Observe the differences in how men and women sit in the crossed ankle position
...
Their legs are splayed, exposing their open crotch
...

The Army expression ‘keeping your heels locked’ means that, if a matter is
not your personal concern, you aren’t to disclose what you don’t have to
...
Research on deception reveals that a person who’s asked to lie
shows more signs of fraud below the waist than above
...
Because they are
close to your brain and a main source of communication, you’re more aware
of what they’re doing than you are of your legs and feet which, no matter how
short you are, are still quite far from your brain
...
For example, people showing interest in another person use their bodies to reveal what their minds are
thinking and their mouths mustn’t tell
...

In-flight airline personnel are trained to spot
passengers who would like service and who
are too shy to ask for it
...
When being offered refreshments from
the cabin staff, these same individuals tend to
unlock their ankles and move toward the edge
of their seats
...
The crew
member responds by asking if the passenger is
sure that he doesn’t want something
...

Further studies into patients in a dental surgery
showed that, of 150 male patients observed, 128
immediately locked their ankles when they sat
in the dentist’s chair
...
Of the 150
women analysed, only 90 initially sat with their
ankles crossed
...

If a person sits in the waiting room with his ankles
uncrossed he’s probably there for a routine dental

check-up that he knows won’t take too long and
won’t be particularly painful
...

Research with law enforcement and government bodies revealed that most people being
interviewed knot their ankles at the start of the
interview
...

Defendants sitting outside a courtroom waiting
for their hearing are three times more likely than
the plaintiffs to have their ankles tightly crossed
and tucked under their chairs in an attempt to
control their emotions
...
Using appropriate questioning techniques during a negotiation, in which one party
locks his ankles, the questioner can get the other
to open up and reveal valuable information
...


he finds particularly attractive
...
If
the woman doesn’t find him attractive and wants to give him the brush-off,
she holds her legs together, faces her body away from him, folds her arms,
and makes herself appear as small as possible
...


Chapter 10: Standing Your Ground

Figure 10-4:
Although
the man
may be
coming on
strong, the
woman’s not
committing
...
Others add a lively bounce to their
step
...
However a person
walks, he’s being true to his internal rhythms, feelings, and emotions
...
Watching people walk
can tell you a lot about their health, attitude, and general state of being
...
Vivacious, healthy, and energetic
people walk faster than people who are elderly, ill, or infirm
...
For the most part, young people have more muscle
flexibility than older people and can move faster, giving the appearance of
energy and excitement
...
A quicker pace increases your energy and lifts
your spirits
...


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Letting the feet do the talking
Research by Paul Ekman and William Friesen on
deception behaviours, shows that when a
person lies he produces more ruse signals in
the lower part of his body than in the upper part
...
Although the legs and feet
are also under conscious control, they are
mostly ignored and often out of sight
...
Videotaped recordings of people lying

were shown to other people who were asked to
determine if the people on the tape were lying,
or telling the truth
...
The findings showed that
liars pay more attention to what their hands,
arms, and faces are doing because they know
that that’s where people look
...


Chapter 11

Playing with Props
In This Chapter
ᮣ Projecting your self-image
ᮣ Putting glasses to good use
ᮣ Performing the rituals – smoking, make-up, and dressing

E

very moment of every day you project an image of yourself
...
People use a plethora of props, such as items of clothing,
pens, glasses, smoking paraphernalia, and make-up to create an image
...
She knows that these
inanimate objects are her friends
...

As you observe someone and the way in which she accessorises herself, you
can figure out what that person’s like
...

In this chapter, I look at how the way you handle your props reflects your
thoughts, mood, and attitude
...
Finally, I consider the power behind the prop
...
The pen clicker at a meeting, the
nervous traveller riffling through her bag, and the starlet hiding behind her
sunglasses all tell you through the way they play with their props how
they’re feeling inside
...
Coy, defiant, domineering, annoyed; each person is
telling you their state of mind
...
You put things near and in your mouth when
you feel in need of reassurance – chewing on fingers, pencils, and arms of
glasses for example
...
You throw things in annoyance
...


Showing inner turmoil
According to zoologist Desmond Morris, putting objects in or near the mouth
is reminiscent of an infant seeking comfort at its mother’s breast
...
In other words, chewing on the arms of your
glasses, chomping on a pencil, and sucking on a cigarette indicate that all is
not at peace in your world
...
This action indicates that the person is feeling
uncomfortable
...

ߜ Biting fingernails and cuticles
...
It’s also related to the
gesture of putting your hand in front of your mouth to hold back a
thought or an emotion
...
Jingling change in pockets, clicking a pen, or fiddling with jewellery are deflecting signals indicating nervousness
...

ߜ Running fingers through hair
...
This gesture is a comforting gesture, reminiscent of the
hair ruffles or strokes you received as a child
...
Nervous energy building up like a pressure cooker has
to come out somewhere
...

ߜ Smoking
...


Pausing for thought
When you need to take time to think something through you may find yourself
rolling a pen between your fingers, taking a sip from your coffee cup, or doodling in your notebook
...
Sipping and chewing actions provide the reassurance you found as a
suckling infant
...

When you see someone remove her glasses slowly and deliberately, and
repeatedly wiping the lenses (when her glasses aren’t particularly dirty), you
may be right in thinking that she’s stalling for time
...

Studies conducted by Gerard I Nierenberg and Henry H Calero, pioneers in
the study of non-verbal behaviour, show that some people deliberately
remove and clean their glasses as many as five times an hour
...

The people performing this gesture usually wanted to stall for time while considering whether they would ask a question, request clarification, or raise
more opposition
...

If you have a tendency to speak first and listen later, put something into your
mouth to keep you quiet
...
This action gives you time to think about what
you’re going to say before blurting out something that you may later regret
...
They can hide the
eyes when the lenses are tinted
...
Some people wear glasses with non-prescription lenses for these reasons
...


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Because of the number of people who wear glasses, this section on the signs
to watch for can help you see things more clearly
...
Others take their glasses off
and suck on the arm’s earpiece
...

When the person puts her glasses back on at this point she’s indicating that
she needs or wants more information
...


Scrutinising the situation
If someone peers over the tops of her glasses at you, don’t be surprised if
you feel scrutinised
...
The glasses underscore or highlight the action
...
The person being looked at is put in a lower, subservient position to the person doing the looking
...
This is a guaranteed way of making the person you’re
looking at feel scrutinised and on the line
...

This inadvertent gesture elicits negative responses, which may not have been
your intention
...
He was surprised to discover
when he received feedback on his interpersonal skills that his colleagues and
subordinates perceived him as stand-offish
...
This sets up a barrier between himself and the person he’s speaking to
...
At his next appraisal he was described as open and accessible
...


Chapter 11: Playing with Props

Controlling the conversation
You can use your glasses to control a conversation
...
When you want the attention to be on what you’re saying, put your
glasses on
...

To indicate that the conversation is over, fold your glasses and put them away
...
Both of these gestures are sure signs of resistance to
what is occurring
...

To relieve the emotional tension, you need to change your approach so that
the other person puts her glasses back on
...


Appearing cool
Sunglasses belong in the sun, not in nightclubs and meetings
...
Some celebrities and
wannabes use sunglasses to keep other people from getting too close to
them
...
Speaking
to someone who’s wearing sunglasses is a bit like speaking to the Wizard of
Oz
...

Wearing sunglasses on your head creates the impression of being cool, in the
groove, and youthful
...


Spectacles at the office
Studies show that people wearing glasses in a business context, whether
male or female, are perceived as intelligent, knowledgeable, conservative,
and genuine
...
Business leaders who wear glasses tend to choose heavy
frames, which may be why, in a business context, glasses can be seen as
power props
...
Glasses with oversized lenses, such as
those favoured by Elton John in his early days, overly decorated, coloured
frames, or any frame that has rhinestone-encrusted branding, says that
you’re more interested in fashion than business
...

Frameless glasses, or those with thin, spindly frames, hold less authority
than heavier framed glasses
...
Wear your
heavier frames when you’re presenting the year-end financial results, when
looking serious, knowledgeable, and in control is important
...
Your eyes look softer and more sensual, which, although appropriate for a social situation, may not be appropriate in a business context
...


Holy Smokes
Despite health warnings and government bans on smoking in public places
you can still find puffers hanging outside office blocks and night clubs as well
as walking along the streets, and driving in their cars
...
Smoking gestures follow a predictable pattern
...
What tells an onlooker about the smoker’s attitude
and state of mind is not the ritual itself, but how it’s being performed
...
The similarities between sex
and smoking are most dominantly displayed in the sucking action
...
The person smoking a cigarette reaches for the
pack, takes out the cigarette, lights it, inhales, and then releases the smoke
...


Chapter 11: Playing with Props
Although both men and women smoke they have different habits around
their habit
...
A
woman holds her cigarette higher in the air with her wrist bent back, displaying the soft skin
...
In this provocative position, the cigarette takes on the appearance of a small phallus that
the woman slips between her lips and seductively sucks
...
After they’ve taken a puff, they tend to drop their smoking
hand below chest level, closing their bodies off, putting them into a protective position
...
The cigarette is hidden inside the palm, conveying an image of secretiveness and seduction
...
The man offers to light a
woman’s cigarette
...

Women who smoke can be perceived as being submissive
...
Male smokers are perceived as risk takers and therefore exciting
...
Some
people take long, deep inhalations while others take short, quick puffs
...
Some people smoke their cigarettes right down to the filter;
others put them out after only a drag or two
...

ߜ Deeply inhaling
...
The action relaxes
the smoker and is her way of responding to stress
...

ߜ Quick puffing
...

Her awareness becomes heightened and she feels ready for action
...

ߜ Exhalation
...
If a person exhales quickly with the smoke going upwards
she’s feeling quite positive
...
Slower exhales indicate a more considered feeling
...
These nervous gestures indicate agitation, anxiety, and insecurity
...
A person who stubs her cigarette out firmly,
grinding it into the ashtray, is showing that she’s made up her mind and
is ready to go
...


Speciality smokers
Cigarettes are easily accessible if you’re over 16 and have the money to pay
for them
...
People who smoke cigars demonstrate a superior attitude and have particular shapes and sizes that they prefer
...


Cigar smokers
Because of the size and cost of cigars, they’re associated with success and
superiority
...
They’re associated
with good fortune, which is why it’s a common ritual to celebrate the birth of
a child, a successful business accomplishment, or a streak of good luck by
puffing on a fine Havana
...
The expression ‘close, but no cigar’ said
after a narrow escape, comes from this tradition
...
Both would hold their
cigars slightly away from their bodies, look at their cigar before drawing on it,
tilt their heads upward as they exhaled a puff of smoke, and then deliver their
punch lines
...
Although small amounts of nicotine
were found in some Old World plants such as
belladonna, early habitual tobacco use seems

to be limited to the Americas
...

During the 19th century it was common for men
to retire to the ‘smoking room’ after dinner to
discuss important matters
...
When Freud
was challenged about the phallic shape of his cigar, he is purported to have
replied, ‘Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar
...
Pipe smoking involves many rituals
that require the smoker’s attention
...
Like many
objects, the pipe has functions other than just what it was specifically
designed for
...
The act of putting something
their mouths harks back to infancy and the reassurance they felt when suckling on a breast or a bottle
...

In addition, a pipe can be used as a pointer to direct someone’s attention and
a baton to beat out the rhythm of the speaker’s words
...
He has a collection of pipes
from which he chooses, depending on his mood and how he wants to be perceived
...
When gesturing towards a student or an
item on a slide, he points with his pipe
...
He
lights the pipe, takes several puffs, and blows the smoke upwards before
looking at the person who posed the question
...


Making It Up as You Go Along
One of the benefits of being a woman is that she can enhance her image by
applying make-up
...


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Stress and smoking
Studies show that smoking tobacco increases
stress rather alleviating it
...
D
...
His
research also shows that when people stop
smoking (that is, break the habit) their stress
levels reduce
...
When smokers
are denied nicotine they experience tension and

irritability
...
Addicted smokers feel stressed when
they’re not smoking, and their mood is normal
when they’re smoking
...
When smokers quit, they may experience bad moods for the first few weeks
...


Make-up at the office
Studies consistently show that business women who wear make-up advance
further and faster in their careers than women who don’t (perhaps because,
sadly, men are still doing most of the promoting)
...

Save that for the clubs, discos, and a hot night out
...


Making up for play
At times, a guy and a gal want to put on the Ritz, strut their stuff, and show
the world what they’re made of
...
They exaggerate their leisure-time look,
making their lips more prominent, their eyes emphasised, and their clothes
and accessories geared towards fun and frivolity
...
Dressing appropriately for your shape, colouring,
and the part you’re playing, demonstrates that you care about how you present yourself
...

You look credible
...


Chapter 11: Playing with Props
Your choice of accessories and how you put them together reveal how you
perceive yourself and how you want to be perceived
...
They don’t have to be the most expensive
products on the shelf, although cost and quality often go hand and hand
...


Women’s accessories
Forget about fashion and follow the styles that work best for you
...
The
same goes for short skirts and low cut tops
...
The sexual messages
they send out are better left outside of the office where the focus is meant to
be on the task
...
Dangly earrings are distracting, as are a wrist full of bracelets and fingers covered in ethnic rings
...
Unless you’re a Vivienne Westwood fashionista, in which case pile it on!

Not for women only
Archaeological finds in the Iranian geographical plateau have revealed that approximately
10,000 years ago both men and women were
avid wearers of make-up
...
Men and women of the Kermani tribe in
Iran used white powder made of lead or silver
as a foundation, highlighting their cheeks with
a red powder made from the hematite stone
...
Men applied their cosmetics with
such care that it was often difficult to tell them
apart from the women
...


Although well documented that men regularly
wore make-up, little proof existed that the same
was true for women until masks and statues
were discovered in Khuzestan
...
The lips and cheeks had a rose tint, and
a painted line extended from below the eyes to
the eyebrow
...
The Iranians discovered a
material that, when melted, shaped, polished,
and formed into sheets, accurately reflected a
person’s likeness
...


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One of my first clients was a woman in her mid-20s working as a designer for
ICI
...
She was good at her work and couldn’t understand
why she wasn’t getting the promotions she believed she deserved
...
Working in a male dominated industrial environment her
clothes and accessories were out of place
...
Although she fought this change in principle, she discovered that she
had several different styles of dress that she felt comfortable wearing and
that reflected her at her best
...
Gold chains hanging around your neck are fine if you’re a DJ, bartender,
rock star, or a gangster
...

Accessories need to be clean and in good repair
...
You’re sending out the message that you don’t care about them
enough to maintain them well
...
Seen speaking in Congress
wearing a pink blazer over a black top that rode
low on her chest with a subtle V-shape pointing
downwards to her bosom, the punters took note
...
Not
one known to acknowledge comfortably her
style and image, it was a slight surprise to see
her bear this part of her body
...
Throughout the
Clinton years, the first lady wore clothes that
were feminine and stately, never sexy
...
After Clinton’s alterations the
dress had long sleeves and a high, Victorian-like
collar
...


Chapter 11: Playing with Props
A tie with specks shows that you’ve been sloppy
...
Keep ties clean, silk,
and simple
...
He has a
preference for ties designed by a modern Italian artist whose designs would
be better framed on a wall than displayed on a man’s body
...
Because Graeme sought
to distinguish himself from the corporate crowd, he purposely chose clothing
items that made him stand out
...
Eventually, Graeme
came to understand his need to be seen as different and how that was negatively manifested in the way he presented himself
...
Making an effort with your personal appearance, and
dressing appropriately for your environment, is a vital career skill
...
An image consultant can help you find
the shapes and colours that suit you best
...


n this part I take you on a trip from the office, to the
bar, then overseas to experience different countries
and cultures
...
In the
dating arena you discover how to read and reveal signs of
interest and dismissal and how to engage with a possible
romantic partner
...


Chapter 12

Territorial Rights and Regulations
In This Chapter
ᮣ Fitting into your space
ᮣ Staking your claim
ᮣ Positioning yourself to your best advantage

I

f you’ve ever bumped into a stranger on the high street, if you’ve ever
been squashed on a rush hour tube, or if you’ve ever been kissed by someone you’d rather hadn’t kissed you, you’ve experienced space invasion
...
And it feels,
oh so good, when the distance’s right
...
You find
out why what feels comfortable at ten paces feels differently at one
...
Finally,
you discover how the way that you position yourself, whether upright,
supine, or simply off kilter, impacts on your gestures, movements, and the
impression you make
...
People who know where to position
themselves in relation to someone else control the interaction
...
They know the different implications between standing so close to another person that you can
feel that person’s breath, and standing so far away that you have to squint to
see one another
...

Territorial parameters aren’t just a matter of manners
...
Zoologist Desmond Morris sees humans as competitive as well as

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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context
cooperative creatures
...
Territorial perimeters, where everyone knows and
respects one another’s space, is one cooperative system
...
As reigning sovereign, whether your
castle is a flat in the heart of the city, a country farmhouse, or a caravan, you
know that you’ve the right to be dominant in your own territory
...
When someone enters your
space without being invited, you may feel a little edgy
...

Although you may feel perfectly confident, comfortable, and at home in one
surrounding, when you enter another, your feelings change
...
You feel comfortable and in control of your environment
because you’re in familiar surroundings
...
Suddenly the comfort level changes
...
Your body language changes from dominant to submissive
without you even realising it
...
As with animals, humans protect their territory by following accepted codes of behaviour
...


The five zones
In his book, The Hidden Dimension, the American anthropologist Edward T
Hall, defined proxemics as the study of the human use of space within the
context of culture
...
The relationship you
have with another person determines how near you allow that person to
come to you
...
It’s a position for the most
intimate behaviours, including touching, embracing, and kissing
...
The distance is comfortable and
secure
...

ߜ Personal (45 centimetres–1
...
If you step too far into the space, the other person may feel
threatened
...

ߜ Social (1
...
6 metres/4–12 feet): When you’re in a business-based
interaction with shop assistants and tradespeople, this area is where
you feel most comfortable
...
If you stand outside the outer
ring, you’re perceived as rude and stand-offish
...
6 metres +/12 feet +): If you’re speaking to an audience in a
formal setting, the distance between yourself and the first row is in the
public space
...
Any farther away and you feel distanced from your listener,
making it harder to connect with them
...


Other territorial positions
In addition to your space bubble’s five concentric circles, you have another
set of territorial positions, private and personal to you
...

ߜ Immediate outer space: Friends, family, close colleagues
...

People who enjoy their own company and prefer to keep to themselves have
few requirements
...


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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context
People who live lives that involve lavish entertaining need space to accommodate all the individuals and the accompanying accessories that go with a
socially active life
...

A person who has many people taking up much of his time occasionally
draws into his inner space for quiet contemplation
...

Big personalities fill their space with their movements
...
Their gestures are definite and they move with purpose
...

Space also works in proportion to status
...

Pauline is a Human Resources (HR) specialist, working in the telecoms industry
...
Although the room wasn’t
large, it had windows and a door to close herself off
...

Growing up in Palm Beach, Florida, a town of great opulence and wealth, I
often saw 12-bedroom mansions for a family of four
...
Small homes indicated lower income and lower status
...
Mom was a single mother, struggling to
raise her two daughters
...
Half a mile away was the winter home of the late President John F
Kennedy
...
The President’s position of
power, status, and authority came with more needs than that of a young
divorcee on a restricted budget
...
The
more space expected and offered, the higher the status
...
By
being clear about how far a person may come into your territory, you make it
easier for others to know your boundaries and behave accordingly
...
Actors frequently tell
stories of being treated as if they were the character they portray rather than themselves
...
The
fans were infiltrating her private space based
on their perceptions of her from her public
space
...
People
believe that they have a relationship with an
actor because they’ve spent time together in
the home
...

Touch an object and you’re saying, ‘This is mine’
...


Demonstrating ownership
When you use your hands to lead and guide another person, you’re taking
control
...
When you lead another person by the hand, when you guide
someone by placing your hand on his back, or when you stand close to your
partner and put your hand on his upper arm, you’re demonstrating that you
own that piece of property
...
When they stand close to their husbands and place a hand on
their man’s chest or upper arm, you can’t misread the signal telling you that
the man belongs to them
...
Keep off
...

Even if you don’t actually own the object, by touching it you’re establishing a
dominant relationship with that item
...


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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context
James and his new bride, Beverly, went to a party of James’s work colleagues
...
Throughout the evening James
frequently touched his wife, as a sign of reassurance and of ownership
...

Max’s friend, JD, recently purchased his first car
...
One day when he was at our home
he asked whether I’d take a photograph of him with his prized possession
standing in our drive
...
Both
positions indicate his strong connection with the car and a real sense of his
ownership of it
...
You can use this awareness to intimidate or dominate someone else, or
you may observe someone trying to likewise intimidate or dominate you
...

If someone you don’t know comes to your home or office, you can show ownership and dominance by leaning against your door frame in a proprietorial way
...
They wait to be invited to sit, refrain from
touching objects in the space, and contain their gestures
...

Amy’s boss suggested that she attend one of our Positive Impact workshops
...
Although
she was under consideration for promotion, her boss had concerns that
when the time came, Amy wouldn’t be able to fill her boss’s shoes and move
forward
...
Her movements were hesitant, contained, and mostly close to her body
...
Working
with recording equipment, Amy observed how her non-verbal behaviour was
displaying her inner world of doubt and insecurity
...


Chapter 12: Territorial Rights and Regulations

Guarding your space
In addition to clarifying ownership of people and possessions, people jealously guard the space that immediately surrounds them
...
Placing objects
between yourself and others, spreading your arms across your desk, and
wrapping your arms around yourself are ways of guarding your personal
space
...
Sometimes, however, space invasion is unavoidable
...
Another person entering your
space can penetrate your guard
...
Not so
good if you neither know the person, nor want him there
...
Consider these examples:
ߜ Turning your head away
ߜ Avoiding eye contact
ߜ Pulling into yourself
Beth was walking her dog, Bertie, along a country lane when Phillipa, a
woman Beth knew and didn’t much care for, pulled up next to them in her
new Range Rover
...
Grudgingly, Beth turned her
head to avoid having to touch the woman’s cheek with her own lips, and left
her arms by her side, her excuse being that she was unable to let go of
Bertie’s lead
...

Wait to be invited into the Close Intimate Zone to avoid causing offence,
discomfort, or embarrassment
...
Sitting comfortably amongst friends you probably sit close to one another
...
Amongst people you prefer
you weren’t with, your body angles away
...
It’s clear that you don’t want to connect
...
Stand too far away and you may come across

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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context
as stand-offish
...
Some
people like to put objects and distance between themselves and others
...
Others like to get up
close right away
...

If you turn your shoulder on another person you’re showing him that you’re not
comfortable with him
...
When someone turns his back on you, he’s shutting you out
...
When people are forced to sit close together they put up
barriers in whatever way they can
...
You sometimes see a
person come from behind his desk to greet another without the desk acting
like a barrier
...

I recently ran a workshop in Portsmouth
...
As the delegates entered the room, I noticed they were heading toward the back, leaving
rows of empty chairs between them and me
...

Several of the participants justified their position by saying that only senior
managers and directors sit in the front rows
...
I stepped down
from the stage and walked amongst the group to break the ice and build the
trust
...
A few of them even sat in the front row
...
Some people believe it originates from
when welcome visitors to one’s home were fed
a hot meal, but if they were unwelcome visitors
they were lucky to be given a cold shoulder of

mutton
...
’

Chapter 12: Territorial Rights and Regulations
When your personal space is unavoidably infiltrated, such as in a crowded
bus, and touching can’t be escaped, only shoulders and upper arms should
make contact
...


Maintaining your personal space
When strangers crowd in, you have to adjust your concept of how much
space you need to conserve around you
...
Where they’re used to living in open
spaces, they now find themselves confined within buildings
...
They may feel more constrained
...

The next time you go to the doctor or hairdressers, observe where people sit
...
The first client usually
sits at one end of the row
...
Both
are at a comfortable distance from one another – neither too close to cause
discomfort nor too far away to appear standoffish
...

When people queue in Britain they envelop themselves in an invisible space
bubble
...
Interestingly, crowded conditions, such as those found on
the rush hour bus, tube, or train, lead people to ignore one another
...
Therefore,
no need exists to relay any social signals
...
The larger the crowd, the less the individual body movement
...
They avoid eye contact by staring at the ceiling or the floor
...
When planning a dinner
party or a special event, the hosts spend a great deal of energy deciding

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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context
where their guests should sit
...
Where other
people place themselves in relation to you, signals their attitude toward you,
their view of themselves in relation to you, and the level of cooperation you
can expect from them
...
Square tables are ideal for short, direct conversations
...

Before you seat yourself, or direct people where you want them to sit, think
about the outcome you want to have as a result of the people interacting
...
You can
clearly see one another and open room exists for gesturing
...
This position also denotes
an even division of space with both people on an equal footing
...


Chapter 12: Territorial Rights and Regulations

Cooperating
When you work on a task with another person, or if you find that you and
someone else think along the same lines, you’re more than likely to find yourselves sitting side by side
...
This position
enables you to look easily at your partner
...
You want to ensure that the person you’re
sitting next to doesn’t feel that his space is being invaded
...
By sitting next to the first person in the cooperating position, or at his side with the corner of the table between you, you’re
showing the new person that you and the first person are aligned
...
In sales, this position is called ‘siding with the opposition’
...
You gain more cooperation by sitting in
the corner, or cooperative position, than you do by placing yourself in the
combative position, in which conversations are shorter and sharper
...
The barrier serves as a foundation upon
which each side can take a firm stand and argue their point
...
(When animals attack one another, they come in head to
head
...
It can be
as subtle as folding your hands at chest level, or as blatant as putting a Star
Wars defence mechanism into action
...
In a social situation, such as at a dinner
party or in a restaurant, this position is viewed positively because it enables
conversation
...

Research shows that managers who don’t use their desks as a barrier are perceived as active listeners, fair-minded, and unlikely to show favouritism
...
This position is typical in a
library, when two people share a reading table
...
If you want to keep the discussions open between you and others, avoid sitting in this position
...
No one was in a lesser, weaker, or more dominant position than anyone
else
...
The circle is considered a
symbol of unity and strength, and sitting in a circle promotes this effect
...

The position in which people sit affects the dynamics of a group’s power
...

The farther away from the high-status individual, the more diminished the
power
...

In business, a rectangular desk is effectively used for business activities,
short conversations, and reprimands
...
Square tables belong in the company cafeteria
...

If you’re seated at a round table, having a discussion with two other people
and you want to make sure that they’re both involved, begin by ensuring that
the three of you sit in a triangular position
...
Carry on like
this, turning your head back and forth between the two people as you complete your answer
...
This technique makes
both people feel included and is particularly useful in helping the second
person to connect with you
...
In 1789, the
French National Assembly was assembled to
give power to the citizens and reduce the King’s
influence
...
The Third Estate was made up of

revolutionaries and the First Estate consisted of
nobles
...
The
terms left and right wing have another meaning,
as well
...


You can tell a family’s distribution of power by the kind of dining table they
have, as long as they were free to choose any shape table they wanted
...
Families with an authoritarian at the helm opt for
rectangular tables
...
In spite of her lack of confidence, she accepted an invitation to a
friend’s dinner party
...

Sitting in the most powerful position at the table, Anne found herself speaking throughout the evening with authority and confidence, and engaged comfortably with the people around her
...
Lie down, and you think and move
in another
...
How you position
yourself determines and sends out signals of how you view the world
...


Horizontally
Someone who’s lying out flat, or slumped over his desk, or is curled up in a
ball, risks insulting his colleagues and companions
...


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If you’re extremely dominant, or amongst exceptionally good friends in an
informal setting, you can get away with being horizontal
...

People in a supine position find that their thinking process is expansive –
their thoughts free to meander and flow
...
You need both styles of thinking in order
to explore all possibilities fully
...
Before World War II, people behaved more formally
...
After the war, fashions
changed
...
People now move
with more ease and less restriction because of the flexibility and freedom
their clothes permit
...
Ask the other person to lie on the floor
while you stand over him, accentuating the height difference
...
Change positions, with you now lying on the floor looking up at your partner standing
over you
...
You find that your voice lacks force and
you’ve no authority
...
Someone standing above you is sending dominant signals
...
Kings and Queens are referred to as ‘Your Highness’
...

People talk about the ‘upper classes’ and the ‘lower classes’
...
The lower down
the scale, the less influence you wield
...

Women curtsey, in a sign of deference and respect when meeting royalty
...
Beggars sit on the ground
...


Chapter 12: Territorial Rights and Regulations
Short people suffer the indignity of being looked down upon
...
Short women are
particularly susceptible to interruption and being talked over in meetings
...
Filling
their space by standing up, holding their arms slightly away from their bodies,
and gesturing with clarity and focus, creates an image of confidence, control,
and commitment
...
When a
student or employee enters your office and you sit while he stands, you’re
demonstrating your power
...


Think tall
Whether people like to admit it or not, studies
consistently conclude that taller people have
more success, better health, and longer lives than
short people
...

According to research published in the Journal
of Applied Psychology, a person who is six feet
tall earns, on average, $789 (£400) more per year
than their shorter counterparts
...

The research findings show that tall people have
greater self-esteem and social confidence than
shorter people
...

The physical action of looking up towards someone elicits feelings of respect
...


Looking down on another person instils a sense
of superiority on the viewer’s part, and submission on the person being looked at
...

Not surprisingly, the study showed that the
biggest correlation between height and salary
was in sales and management, areas in which
social interaction is vital for success
...

At work, shorter women experience less height
bias than men, a phenomenon that may be a
result of evolution – a view offered by Professor
Judge
...
Professor Judge concludes
that, subconsciously, people tend to apply the
power appraisals more to men than to women
...


209

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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context
Sometimes, lowering yourself can raise your status
...
By touching his belongings
and behaving in unrestricted ways you’re indicating that although someone
else may have a claim on the environment, you’re more than comfortable
taking over
...

Japanese businesses instruct staff members to bow at different angles,
depending on the status of the customer
...


Balancing the asymmetrical body
Studies of neuromuscular therapy and yoga
provide insights into how humans stand, sit, and
move
...
Yoga practitioners call this ‘the
dawning of the light of the spirit’
...
This leads to pain and discomfort
as parts of the body have to work overtime to
compensate for those muscles that are going
slack
...

Although the pelvis serves as a fulcrum, people
often distribute their weight unevenly, causing
their bodies to become unbalanced
...
’
These lines serve as a metaphor for our bodies
...
The body’s muscles
work to keep you aligned
...
This happens from side to side and
front to back
...
Muscles in one
part of the body contract more than muscles in
another part, causing a counter-contraction on
the opposite side of the body
...
The
width and length of these muscles is approximately the same
...
Their efforts are misguided
...

The back is an area where many people experience pain and discomfort
...
People with this
condition who stretch to relieve the discomfort,
at first feel rigid and stiff
...

In both neuromuscular therapy and yoga it’s
said, ‘First you lengthen, then you strengthen’
...


Chapter 12: Territorial Rights and Regulations
Elevating yourself
An Olympic gold medallist stands on a podium above the other medal winners and the judge sits above his court
...
People in ‘high places’ are looked up
to and seen as superior
...

Look at the person sitting at the head of the table and you’re likely to be looking
at the boss
...
One female client who is just barely above 5 feet in her stocking feet tells me that she pretends that she’s tall
...
By acting the
part, she radiates the appearance
...
One of my shorter clients consistently received feedback that, although
he was knowledgeable, on camera he lacked credibility and gravitas
...
I coached him in speaking directly
to the camera so that his viewing public felt that he was speaking to them
individually
...

His television performances improved dramatically
...

To project authority, inflate your chest, stand tall, and look people directly in
the eye
...


Asymmetrically
If you’re sitting at your desk and one hand is resting on your desk and your
other hand is placed on your hip, you’re sitting in an asymmetrical pose
...
One side of your
body is in one position while the other side is in another
...
Asymmetrical positions
hold intrigue
...
A man standing stiffly
upright, with his mouth closed, and his eyes staring straight ahead is giving
little away
...
When your torso and limbs are in contrasting positions, they create
impact and interest
...
Go on, give it a go
...
You simply can’t convey romantic interest without
the body getting into the act
...

If you’re feeling good about yourself the way you focus your eyes, position
your mouth, and manoeuvre your shoulders, hips, and hands send out signals
that say, ‘Check me out! I think you’re hot!’ After you get your target’s attention you shift gears to hold onto his or her interest and move the attraction to
another level
...
Observe how long-term lovers
anticipate one another’s actions by the way they move in synch with their
partners
...
Some courtship signals are
deliberate, others are unconscious
...


Attracting Someone’s Attention
Watch a person in the company of someone he or she finds attractive and see
what happens
...


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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context
Men stand taller, thrust up their chins, and expand their chests, making them
look like the king of the jungle
...
Your eyes dilate if you find another person attractive
...
If things go to plan, the recipient of your gaze unconsciously responds in a similar way and the excitement begins
...
A former model, she has kept her
figure trim and fit, wears just enough make up to highlight her perfectly
formed features, and moves with purpose and energy
...
As she walked through the restaurant I noticed a man
tracking her while continuing his conversation with his partner
...
Once
she was out of his line of vision his body reverted to its original position and
he continued his conversation as if nothing had happened
...
Without thinking she immediately adjusted
her posture by pulling in her stomach, squaring her shoulders, and straightening her back
...
As they got closer to one another, she noticed that
the man had also adjusted his posture and by the time they were close
enough to see each other fully they looked one another in the eye and smiled
...

When you’re rating someone’s attractiveness and in turn are being rated,
messages that convey interest, keenness, and compatibility are constantly
being relayed
...

Here are some things to keep in mind as you go courting:
ߜ Women usually make the first move: Research shows that 90 per cent
of the time women initiate the first move in the mating game
...
They wait
for the man to make the first move
...
Women go for
it
...
Women send out a series of subtle movements
to the man she’s lined up in her sights
...

If a woman is to succeed in the ritual she has to count on the man to
decode the signals she sends out
...
For a man to succeed in this game he has to be able to read the
signals correctly
...

ߜ Availability counts more than beauty: Men pursue a woman who may
not be the most sexually attractive as long as she gives off availability
signals
...
In a contest between
looks and signals, signals win hands down
...

You go through a predictable pattern to the courtship sequence when you
see someone you think is cute, hunky, or simply appealing:
1
...

The woman looks across a crowded room
...
She waits for him to notice her
...
He watches to see what she
does next
...
When a
man sees a woman who catches his eye he glances at her body first
...

2
...

The woman flashes a fleeting smile or two
...
It’s important that
the man responds to this signal or else the woman will think that he’s
not interested and will move her sights
...

3
...

The muscles of both men and women become slightly tensed
...
If seated, she
crosses her legs to show them off
...
She plays with her hair, runs her
tongue over her lips, and adjusts her clothes and jewellery
...
Both point their bodies towards one another
...
Both men and
women want someone with an athletic body
...
Women see
this as a sign of power, signalling the ability to
provide for her
...
Primarily, they
need to display the signals of possible availability
...


Men are drawn to women with child-like faces,
including doe eyes, petite noses, bee-stung lips,
and full cheeks
...

Women prefer men with mature faces that
show they have the ability to protect and
defend
...


Granted, some women may be disturbed, if not
appalled, to know that modern men are initially
more attracted to a woman based on her looks
and her sensuality than on her ability to discuss
world affairs, balance a cheque book, play the
piano, or stuff a turkey
...


The good news for women is that although good
looks may initially give a woman a slight edge

4
...

The man walks over to the woman, making it look as though he’s the initiator, and gives her a few chat-up lines
...

Actually initiating a conversation can be a minefield
...
You may sound a
bit of an idiot but at least you aren’t given a brusque brush off in
response to a clumsy pass
...
If she
crosses her arms, puts her hands in her pockets, and avoids your
gaze, you may as well walk away
...
Touch
...
If both
people are happy with the touching process they’ll increase the amount
...

Touching a person’s hand is more intimate than touching an arm
...
They’re not
...


Highlighting gender differences
People who want to attract the attention of the opposite sex emphasise their
gender to make themselves sexually attractive and appealing
...
Men
stand tall, expand their chests, and hook their thumbs over their waistbands
or into their trouser pockets with their fingers exposed to subtly point
towards their nether regions
...

Otherwise you may find your signs of possible interest being interpreted as
signals of immediate availability
...
Both men and women take on youthful characteristics when seeking the other’s attention
...
Unlimited energy can be very sexy because it indicates
the promise of being a tireless mate
...
Because women have wider hips than men as well as a
wider crotch gap between their legs they are able to walk with a rolling
motion that draws attention to the pelvic area
...
If you’ve
ever seen the film Some Like It Hot you’re sure to remember the scene where
Marilyn Monroe walks down the railway platform, while Jack Lemmon and
Tony Curtis stare at her undulating bottom in awe
...


217

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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context

Is she hobbling or flirting?
Women wear high heels to make themselves
appear more feminine
...
In order to balance
themselves, women wearing high heels unconsciously arch their backs and push out their

bottoms, creating a wiggle to their walk which
men inevitably notice
...


Advertisers regularly use this rolling gesture in their campaigns to sell their
products
...
Either
way creates increased product awareness, which is all the advertiser cares
about
...

You swing your arms across your body, elbows bent, hands at waist height,
and turn your arms inward showing just how manly you are
...
They shift
their bodies, change their positions, and use their hands frequently to
emphasise what they’re saying
...
They give the appearance of needing less space,
not more
...

If a man and woman find each other attractive their bodies lean towards each
another
...
How much of your body you show and which parts are on display, as
well as your facial expressions, also send signals as to your attraction and
willingness to move forward:

Chapter 13: Dating and Mating
ߜ Facial expressions: Women use lively and animated facial expressions
demonstrating interest, vitality, and energy
...

ߜ Clothing: In addition to protecting you from the elements, your choice
of clothing signals what you want to reveal about yourself
...
Clothes
that draw attention to your sexuality indicate that you’re prepared to be
noticed
...


Showing That You’re Free
Having established that you’re interested in the other person, it’s time for
you to show that you’re available
...
Others are completely unconscious
...

Although men and women use the same basic preening gestures like touching
their hair, smoothing their clothes, pointing their bodies in the other’s direction, and increasing eye contact, some subtle differences are worth noting
...

They use clothes, hairstyles, make-up, and fragrance to advertise their femininity
...


Courting gestures of women
The list of female sexual behaviours is long and moves right down her body
from her head to the tips of her toes
...
Whether her hair is long or short
the gesture is a subtle way of showing that she cares about her appearance
and is making an effort to look appealing
...


219

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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context

Figure 13-1:
The hair
toss and
underarm
display are
enticing
...
By exposing the neck, a vulnerable part of the body, the head-cant is an
ideal courtship signal because it implies that the woman trusts the man so
much she is prepared to display a defenceless part of her body to him
...
A baby rests its head
on the parents’ shoulders when being comforted
...
Without knowing why, men feel a sudden surge of compassion, probably because the woman looks so vulnerable and helpless when she adopts
this pose
...

In one she raises her chin slightly; in the other she turns her head so the man
can get a clear view of her neck
...
A lethal
combination no hot-blooded male can resist
...


Dipping the head
One way a woman can make her eyes seem bigger, and herself seem smaller,
is to lower her head when she’s looking up at her lover
...
Women also lower their heads
when they’re flirting with a man because it’s a sign of submission
...
When a woman pouts, the size of the lips increase, as does the
man’s interest
...
During the
teen years, as testosterone increases in men, their features become stronger,
larger, and more pronounced
...

Due to more subcutaneous fat, their faces seem full and childlike, particularly
their lips
...
Women leisurely stroke their necks,
throats, and thighs signalling to a man that if he plays his cards right she just
may let him caress her in a similar way
...

Touching yourself draws attention to that part of your body and gets another
person thinking about what it would feel like to be the person touching you
...
The gesture
is an unconscious action in response to your interest in the other person
...


Exposing your wrists
The underside of the wrist is considered to be one of the most erotic places
on a woman’s body
...

A woman showing interest and availability reveals this smooth, soft skin,
increasing the rate of frequency as her interest grows (see Figure 13-3)
...


Chapter 13: Dating and Mating
Fondling cylindrical objects
If you find yourself fondling any object that remotely resembles a phallus,
you are acting out what’s going on inside your head
...
The
stimulus is too much for him to resist and he has to respond in a similar way
to show he’s paying attention and wants to possess you
...


Glancing sideways over a raised shoulder
A woman who raises her shoulder is performing an act of self-mimicry by
using her shoulder to emulate her rounded breasts
...
If he’s interested, that is
...


Figure 13-4:
A raised
shoulder
highlights a
woman’s
roundness
and curves
...
According to zoologist
Desmond Morris, women ‘self-mimic’ their
outer genital lips by making their facial lips wet
by licking them, or using lip gloss, thus creating
a sexual invitation
...
The use of lipstick dates back 4,000 years to the time of the
Egyptians
...
Modern research shows that when
men look at photographs of women wearing different lipstick colours, they are consistently
drawn to the bright reds which they describe as
the most attractive and sensual
...
Even most married men live in
terror of entering this most forbidden territory
...

If a woman finds a man attractive she may deliberately stroke and caress her
bag in an inviting manner, tantalising and teasing her male admirer
...
If she keeps her
bag away from him, she’s creating an emotional distance
...
If a man is at the end of the sight line you can bet she finds
him interesting
...


Dangling a shoe
If a woman is sitting with a man and dangles a shoe off the end of her foot she’s
sending out the message that she’s relaxed and comfortable in his company
...

Many men become unsettled by this gesture and they don’t know why
...


Chapter 13: Dating and Mating
Entwining your legs
Men consistently rank the leg twine as the most appealing sitting position a
woman can take
...
When one leg is pressed up against the other it gives the appearance of highly toned muscles (see Figure 13-5), which is the position the body
takes just before engaging in sex
...


Women who want to entice a man and demonstrate their own interest slowly
cross and uncross their legs and gently stroke their thighs as an indication of
their desire to be caressed
...


Courting gestures of men
Compared with the vast amount of courtship signals women possess, men
have a sad and paltry few
...
Men’s
idea of a sexual invitation is to rev their engines, flaunt their wealth, and challenge other men
...
In addition to pulling in his stomach, expanding his chest, and lifting his
head like a conquering hero, a man smoothes his hair, straightens his tie,
adjusts his clothes, and flicks real or imaginary dust from his lapel
...
A tie that
is loosely knotted and slightly off centre elicits a nurturing response in a
woman
...
If
she’s drawn to you, she wants to make you look like the perfect man she
hopes you are
...
With his arms in the
ready position and his fingers pointing to his genital area, men take this
stance to stake their claim or show other men they’re not to be messed
about
...

If a woman sees a man with his thumbs in his pockets and his fingers pointing
toward his crotch combined with dilated pupils, a longer-than-usual gaze, and
one foot pointed toward her, she’s on a winner if she guesses he’s displaying
interest in her
...
The purpose of this not-so-subtle item of clothing
was to display the purported size of the man’s penis, which determined his
social status
...
By having
something to fondle or hold onto in front of his crotch, a man has the perfect
excuse to put his hands down there to make any necessary adjustments
...


A universal sign of attraction:
Dilated pupils
Anyone who has ever gazed longingly into another person’s eyes knows how
powerfully the eyes convey the message that says, ‘I find you incredibly attractive
...
As you can do nothing to control this reaction,
give up playing hard to get because anyone paying close attention sees your
pupils enlarging and knows they’re in with a chance
...
Hess discovered that the
pupil enlarges when someone looks at something that stimulates him or her
...
In one of Hess’s studies heterosexual men were shown retouched photographs of women
...

With few exceptions, the men perceived the
women with the larger pupils as being more

attractive and friendlier than the same women
whose pupils appeared smaller
...
None of the men remarked on the
difference in the size of the pupils
...
The pupils are enlarged to make the
models more attractive and alluring
...


If you want to kick-start a romance, arrange to meet your person of choice in
a dimly lit place
...

The rest is up to you
...


Progressing Through the Romance
The courtship procedure is made up of a series of stages, as explained in the
section, ‘Going courting: The five stages’ earlier in this chapter
...
A man may stroke a woman’s hand to show he wants
physical intimacy
...
If you find yourself laughing, tickling, and generally engaging in playful behaviour when
you’re with Cute Guy or Gorgeous Gal, you know you’re at least ‘in like’ if not
yet ‘in love’ with one another
...


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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context

Matching each other’s behaviours
The closer two people are emotionally the more similar their postures are
...

Observe a couple who are in tune with one another and you can see that
their movements are coordinated and their postures match
...
A man may put his arm around a woman’s waist or
shoulders, sending out the message that she’s his woman
...

Other signs of togetherness are linking arms or holding hands while you’re
walking with your partner
...

When you hold hands, your hand may be in front, or behind; how the hands
are positioned can indicate who’s in charge
...
It’s not known if this happens
because men are taller or because they like to lead from the front
...
If
she’s shorter than her man and still puts her hand in front, however, it’s
because she likes to be in charge, regardless of the physical discomfort it
may cause both her and her partner
...

After the inauguration of George W
...
Bill looked composed and in control and
Hillary looked supportive
...
The difference in their
heights and the male-female relationship would have dictated the opposite
position
...


Chapter 14

Interviewing, Influencing,
and Playing Politics
In This Chapter
ᮣ Creating the right impression
ᮣ Weighing up your best position
ᮣ Showing yourself to your best advantage

H

ow you perceive and project yourself determines how people perceive
and receive you
...
Your gestures, actions, and expressions
must celebrate and reflect your strengths and abilities
...

From the moment you enter the work environment to your last day on the
job, you’re watched
...
The higher up the hierarchy you
go, the more focused your actions, the more contained your gestures, and
the more authority you’re expected to project
...
You never see the senior partner flapping his
hands
...

Remember: Self-awareness is paramount if you’re to work your way successfully through the office maze
...
You discover how the way in which you position your body impacts upon how people perceive you
...


230

Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context

Making the First Impression:
The Interview
I know, I know, you’ve heard it a hundred times or more, and here it is again:
You never have a second chance to make a first impression
...
Make a poor one and you’re going to struggle long
and hard to be invited back
...
People begin making evaluations from the moment they first see you
...
Add to those ingredients your body language,
your manners, and your demeanour, and in less than seven seconds the
impression you make is set
...

Getting yourself ready for a successful interview requires preparation and
practice
...
Remind yourself of the purpose of the interview, what you
want to achieve, and how you want to be perceived
...
Practise some
vocal warm-ups – humming and quietly repeating the phrase, ‘The tip of
the tongue, the lips, and the teeth’
...
Raising and
lowering your shoulders, letting your head roll from side to side, and
shaking your hands and fingers out before entering the building, prepare
you mentally, vocally, and physically
...
Wherever you are, make that space yours
...

Remind yourself that you wouldn’t be there if you didn’t have the right
to be
...

Follow these tips:
• Relieve yourself of unnecessary clutter
...

• Enter the reception area with confidence and greet the receptionist
with a smile and a polite word
...
Remove your coat and ask the receptionist to
store it, if possible
...
Chairs make you look small
and can be awkward to get out of
...


Chapter 14: Interviewing, Influencing, and Playing Politics
ߜ Making your entrance
...
When you’re invited to enter the interview
room, do so with focus and energy
...
Put down whatever you’re carrying, shake
the interviewer’s hand, and take a seat
...

When you enter someone’s office, move with purpose
...
In
order to project a commanding image, walk at a brisk pace, taking
medium-length strides
...
Instead of shaking hands across the desk, which puts a
barrier between you and the other person, move to the left of the desk
to avoid receiving a palm down handshake and being put in a subservient position
...
Let the interviewer decide when
the handshake should end
...
Speak
for no longer than 20–30 seconds at one time
...
When you’re invited to sit, make sure your body is
at a 45 degree angle from the other person
...
If you can’t, shift your body
...
If you’re invited to sit away from the desk in a more informal
area, silently rejoice
...

If the seat you’re offered is soft and low, sit on the edge, leaning slightly
forward to avoid sinking into the seat and lowering your status
...

Respecting the other person’s personal space is bound to win you some
points
...

• Men tend to move closer to a woman they’re speaking to, whereas
women generally back away
...

As the meeting progresses, and all being well, the parameters of this
area close inwards, inviting you to come closer
...


231

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Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context
ߜ Making your exit
...
Focus on
what you’re doing
...
No matter how fit you are, the last impression
you want to leave your interviewer with is your face, not your backside
...

Finally, when you exit the room, leave the door in the same position as it
was when you entered
...
If you appear to be of a higher business or
social standing, people look up to you
...
Even though
someone of a lower business or social standing is tolerated, he isn’t invited
into the inner circle
...
That decision impacts upon
the outcome
...
Someone who’s innocent, inexperienced, and insecure flaps his
hands, tosses his head, and jiggles his feet, whereas the person at the top
keeps his movements cool and contained
...

Research shows that a direct link exists between a person’s status, power,
and position, and his vocabulary
...
Further
research shows a connection between a person’s control of the spoken language and the number of gestures he uses when communicating
...
He has his
words
...

The higher up the social and career scale, the fewer gestures you see
...
When appropriate, mirror the other person’s gestures and expressions
...
Avoid nervous gestures like straightening
your tie or fiddling with your hair
...


Chapter 14: Interviewing, Influencing, and Playing Politics

Standing tall and holding your ground
Having a superior position carries with it an implied authority
...
They command respect because of their height
...
Some people don’t feel comfortable with being taller than
others, so they stoop or slouch
...
Others, who are ‘vertically challenged’, as the
current jargon puts it, have to create an image of height and stature
...

A person who stands with his feet placed firmly beneath him commands
authority and respect
...
People listen to you when your body’s
in this position, looking ready and raring to go
...
Beware of becoming too rigid
and stiff however
...

ߜ Visualise another person who is challenging you
...

ߜ Place your feet firmly underneath you, hip width apart
...

ߜ Keep your head upright and maintain eye contact with the other person
...
(Alternatively, if you’re standing,
hold your hands behind your back
...

ߜ Keep your mouth closed while you’re listening
...
This grounds you, and provides a firm foundation from which you can move, gesture, and position yourself
...

ߜ Remind yourself of how you want to be perceived
...

Stooped shoulders, caved in chests, and hands in the fig leaf position protecting your private bits are protective signals and indicate that someone is subconsciously feeling defensive
...
As an athlete, she was used to being with
people of equal height, and felt comfortable with them
...
After several months, Cecile noticed that she was hunching her shoulders and sinking
into her hips
...
As we explored the reasons for
this new behaviour, we discovered several issues
...
Highly competitive, she was uncomfortable, fearing that she was being
perceived as lacking in her work
...
She discovered that she was purposely making herself smaller to make him look bigger
...

We explored her mental attitude and made the necessary self-perception
adjustments
...
Now when Cecile sits and stands using her
full stature she feels confident, looks credible, and commands respect
...
Unless you’re purposely playing the role of someone from La-La Land, I
suggest that if you want to be noticed in a positive light, put your muscles into
your movement, and propel yourself into the fray with focus, direction, and
positive energy
...

Positive energy draws people, whereas negative energy repels them
...
Slow actions performed with integrity project authority and command attention
...

To make a favourable impression, moderate your movements to mirror those
of the people you’re with
...


Pointing Your Body in
the Right Direction
How you position your body in relation to other people impacts upon their
perception of you
...

Turn your shoulder to the person, cross your arms, and look down your nose
at him, and you indicate that he’s not up to scratch
...

To create a more positive interaction, stand facing another person at a
comfortable distance, with your arms open, your hands visible, and a
welcoming expression on your face, and see how constructive the mood
becomes
...
Both consciously and subconsciously
you’re adjusting your body position in response to what’s happening in your
environment
...
Let your eyes engage and sparkle
...
Free
your shoulders and permit your chest to open as if it were a plane about to
take off
...
Ground yourself
...
If you want your interaction to be comfortable, cooperative, and congenial, place yourself at a 45
degree angle to the other person
...
By positioning yourself
at this angle, you form a third point where you avoid being perceived as
aggressive or flirtatious
...
Neither confrontational nor intimate, the 45
degree angle allows people to see one another, gesture freely, and maintain a
comfortable space between themselves
...
It encourages discussion and
flow of ideas
...
The third angle allows
another person to join you in the space, creating an equilateral triangle
...
Should the group expand
by one or two more people, they may form a circle, or divide themselves into
two triangles
...


Positioning yourself for cooperation
Say that you’re the newly appointed head of a well-established and successful
team
...
They may feel a little wary of you and watch to see
how you manage the meeting
...
No threatening aspect
is associated with this position
...
If you turn inwards, you indicate intimacy is in the air
...


Sitting with subordinates
When you want to create a relaxed, informal atmosphere when speaking to a
subordinate in your office, open the session with both of you sitting in the 45
degree angle position, directing your bodies to a third point forming a triangle, suggesting agreement
...

If you want a direct answer to a question and you feel you’re not getting it in
the 45 degree pose, shift your position to face directly towards the other
person (see Figure 14-2)
...


Chapter 14: Interviewing, Influencing, and Playing Politics

Figure 14-2:
Pointing
your body
directly
towards
someone
indicates
you mean
business
...
When a sensitive issue needs addressing, go for this position
...


Facing directly for serious answers
If someone asks you a direct question, look at him directly – that is, if you
want to be taken seriously
...

Serious questions require a serious attitude
...
When you’re asked a direct question, follow these steps (which you can
do both seated and standing):
1
...
Breathe through your nose
...
Hold your head vertically as if your chin were resting on a calm lake
...
Square your hips and shoulders with your knees
...
Place your knees directly over your ankles, with your feet planted
firmly on the ground
...
Open your chest as if it were a treasured book
...
Look the questioner in the eye
...
Pause
...
Answer
...
She was ambitious and
wanted to progress in her career
...
She was told that, although she was a
very pleasant person to have around and worked well organising events
behind the scenes, when it came to working directly with clients, she seemed
unorganised, flighty, and unsure of herself
...
She shifted her weight from leg to leg and slouched into her hips
...
She tossed her head and frequently giggled
...

Her words said she wanted to progress
...
Working with the camera where she could see herself, Emma
discovered how her gestures and behaviour were impacting upon people’s
perceptions of her
...
By controlling
her breathing her actions calmed down
...
Her fidgeting lessened and she began to project the image she wanted
...
She
received the promotion she sought
...
These seats are the
kind where you’re forced to look upward, lifting your chin and exposing your
neck, which happens to be one of the most vulnerable parts of your body
...
Even if he’s
leaning back in his chair he’s still in a higher position than you
...
He can lower his glasses, looking
over the top at you, all cramped, awkward, and feeling uncomfortable
...
The person with the support behind his back, the protective
shield, the frame that surrounds him, holds a more powerful position than
the person sitting on a stool at his feet
...
The higher the back of the chair, the more luxurious the
fabric, the higher the status of the person
...
The back of the chair frames his face and gives
him authority
...
The backs of
their chairs are lower
...

High status people prefer to sit on high backed chairs
...
The person
sitting in a chair that swivels has more freedom of movement and can cover
more space in a shorter time than someone sitting in a fixed chair
...

People sitting on fixed chairs rely on their body movements and facial
expressions to convey their attitudes and feelings
...


Gaining height advantage
Height is associated with status and power
...
Savvy business types know that by adjusting the seat
height of their chairs they gain a competitive advantage
...


Placing the chair
Sit directly across the desk or table from another person, face to face, shoulders facing shoulders, and the atmosphere is confrontational
...
If you want to reduce a visitor’s status, arrange for him to be seated as
far away from your desk as possible, into the public zone at least 8 feet away
from where you’re sitting
...
And
to feel you’re a winner you have to look, sound, and act like one
...


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Acting the part
The Russian director, Constantine Stanislavski,
explored and popularised a style of acting that
became known as method acting
...
The
actor immerses himself in the character’s life, to
experience that life as the character would
...
Devotees of method acting

include Dustin Hoffman, Jane Fonda, and
Robert DeNiro
...
During the filming of The Marathon Man,
Dustin Hoffman went for several days without
bathing, in order to immerse himself in the character’s psyche
...
Five minutes should
be ample
...
Visualise yourself behaving in that manner
...
Experience
the feeling
...
Who knows, you may actually be
that person
...
If you don’t, the competition is going to have you for breakfast
...
It means that you act as though you’ve got the right to be where
you are, doing what you’re doing
...
Dogs spend much
of their time marking out their territory in order to let the rest of the pack
know that they’ve been there
...
You just mark your
territory differently, hopefully
...

Someone who claims his space successfully acts as if he belongs there
...
He sends out positive signals indicating that he’s comfortable and
in control
...
Say, for example, that you’ve been invited to
speak at an event attended by many influential people, some of whom you
know, others you don’t
...
To do
that, follow these suggestions for getting comfortable in the space and
making it your own:
ߜ Walk into the room where the negotiation is taking place as if you own
the space
...

ߜ Pull your chair out and sit down without waiting to be invited
...

ߜ Establish eye contact and open the discussion clearly and concisely
...
Practising for her partnership interview, Tracy felt nervous, awkward, as though she didn’t belong
...

I began to shift her behaviour by asking her to practise entering the room
and taking her seat at the table in front of the imaginary panel
...
By making contact with this object, she established a
sense of ownership with the room
...


Choosing a good seat
Arrive at the meeting early enough so that you can pick your spot
...
Research shows that people seated
with their backs to the door experience stress, increased blood pressure, and
shallow, rapid breathing as the body prepares itself for a possible attack from
behind
...

Give yourself the stronger position and sit facing into the room with your
back away from the door
...
This is a
challenge for small or slim people, who can be devoured by space
...

(People who hold their arms close to their bodies look subservient,
timid, and fearful
...
Alternatively, allow your elbows to rest on the table, pointing out to the sides, or place your lower arms on the table’s surface
...
To do so reduces your stature and diminishes your influence
...
Large people
lolling about, ambling along, and spreading themselves across their space,
can be perceived as invasive
...
Just be aware that you take up more
space than smaller people and that you may need to adjust your position to
allow others in
...


Displaying confidence
The way you stand, the way you sit, your gestures and expressions, the
actions you choose, and the way you perform them, all reveal who you are
and what you’re about
...
With eyes clear and focused, posture erect, and
facial muscles engaged, they reveal a look of positive expectancy
...
It doesn’t take a microscope to see that that person is in a real
state and is creating a nervous environment around himself
...

You can’t avoid gesturing nervously unless you’re aware that you do it
...
Once you recognise the behaviour,
you can do something about it
...
Someone fiddling with a pen
should put it down unless it’s needed for writing
...
If you don’t have a surface that your hands can
lie on, rest them in your lap
...
Pick up a pen to take a note, putting it back
down when you’ve finished
...


Chapter 14: Interviewing, Influencing, and Playing Politics

Building confidence
If you want to be perceived as confident, you
have to demonstrate confident behaviour
...
To clarify your concept of confident behaviour, try this:

ߜ Describe how that person acts, including
specific gestures, fluidity of movement, eye
contact, and facial expressions
...


ߜ Describe what is important to you about
behaving confidently
...


ߜ Describe some of the mannerisms that
demonstrate confident behaviour
...


ߜ Describe someone who you believe demonstrates confident behaviour
...


Changing behaviours takes time, commitment, and practice
...
Start now
...
It’s no longer enough to be
good at what you do, you have to be seen to be good
...
Consider your behaviour and the impact it makes
...


Opening or closing your fingers
Short, sharp gestures hold more authority than open hands waving in the air
...
Holding your
hands above the chin line, with your fingers splayed, looks out of control and
less authoritative
...


Carrying only what’s necessary
Keep your accessories slim and compact
...
They
give the impression that, although you may be buzzing away very hard,
you’re not in control of your time
...


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Standing up for meetings
Research shows that when people participate
in meetings standing up they speak for a shorter
length of time
...
The studies also demonstrate that the perception of people who conduct their meetings
while standing is of them having a higher status
than the people who are seated
...
In the middle of the room
where she and her colleagues met was a tall
stone table
...
The table

was at a comfortable height, enough for people
to stand at and lean on it, and there was enough
space in the room for them to walk around the
table easily
...
Kate found the experience to
be liberating, as the thinking in the room was
more creative and energising than in other
meetings she’d attended, in which the norm
was to remain seated
...
Decide what image you want
to project and choose your accessories accordingly
...


Watching your buttons
Tightly closed jackets indicate a tightly closed point of view
...
When they fold their arms across their chests with their
jackets buttoned, they’re really feeling negative
...


Chapter 15

Crossing the Cultural Divide
In This Chapter
ᮣ Greeting people and saying farewell
ᮣ Understanding different cultures
ᮣ Playing by the rules

W

ith businesses spanning the globe, students travelling the world, and
the media bringing foreign lands into people’s homes on a daily basis,
no group can any longer believe in the infallibility of their own customs and
culture
...
’
In spite of the shrinking world, or perhaps because of it, cultures hold onto
their customs and traditions with pride and determination
...

Unless you know the rules that govern behaviour in cultures other than your
own, you can make some major mistakes that, in addition to insulting your host,
may lead to a diplomatic crisis
...

You don’t want to make a fool of yourself, insult your host, or cause an international crisis because you didn’t know the differences between acceptable
and unacceptable behaviours
...
A native is more than
happy to guide you in the ways of her country and is flattered that you asked
...
This is the one truly universal gesture that’s understood by the most
sophisticated city person as well as by desert nomads
...


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Greetings and Farewells
Whether you kiss, bow, or shake hands when you greet someone and bid her
farewell, how you do so indicates your culture’s attitude toward bodily contact
...
In some countries men and
women are even forbidden to touch in public
...


Expecting to be touched
If you’ve ever travelled to Latin lands, from South America to the Mediterranean,
you know that the people are comfortable with getting up close and personal
...

Colleagues walking down the street hand in hand or with their arms intertwined
or draped over one another’s shoulders implies nothing more than friendship
...

The following are a few examples of the types of greetings you can expect in
various regions of the world:
ߜ In France: If you make friends with a French person, expect her to kiss
your cheeks three times when you say hello and goodbye
...
Once a friendship has been established, expect to be embraced
...
The third kiss is to ensure ‘good
luck’ in finding a spouse
...
Wait for your counterpart
to initiate the exchange because several styles of greeting are used
...
Although a Westernised Saudi man shakes hands
with another man, the customary Saudi greeting between men is a more
complicated affair
...
Then you and your Saudi counterpart
put your left hands on the other’s right shoulders and kiss one another
on each cheek
...

Unless, of course, you’re a woman, in which case no bodily contact is
involved at all
...
)

Chapter 15: Crossing the Cultural Divide
Personal distance between speakers is close in the Middle East, so backing
away can be interpreted as an insult
...
In fact, for Arab men holding hands is
quite common – the gesture is a sign of friendship and respect
...

Shortly after Charlotte, her husband, and their two young children moved to
Saudi Arabia, they visited the Red Sea for a bit swimming and sightseeing
...
The women, covered from head to
foot in dark, heavy, traditional dress, clustered in the background, looking after
the children when needed
...
With her western frame
of mind, Charlotte resented the men ‘having all the fun’
...
They are equally warm and
expressive in private, whereas in public, they’re more reserved and contained
...
It lasts between 10–12
seconds and is rather limp
...

The Chinese are more comfortable greeting another person with a handshake
than in many other Far Eastern countries
...
Wait for them to initiate the gesture and
follow their lead
...
This is especially true of older people and individuals in
important positions
...


Acknowledging the no-touching rule
Although in many Far Eastern countries, people greet one another by shaking
hands, the Japanese have an aversion to informal bodily contact
...
In their own country, the usual form of
greeting is a long, low bow from the waist and a formal exchange of business
cards
...

If you feel awkward bowing to a Japanese colleague or customer, seeing it as
a sign of subservience, do it anyway
...
What you are saying by this gesture is that you value that
person’s experience and wisdom
...


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Cities in Japan are crowded places
...
This is done by holding your hand in front of
your face, with bent elbow, rather like a child pretending to be a shark, or like
a Karate chop, while bowing and saying ‘excuse me’
...


A word about waving farewell
The simple act of waving someone goodbye isn’t so simple after all
...

Most Europeans face their palms front and wag their fingers up and down
with their arm stretched forward and held stationary
...
Throughout most of Europe this gesture would be
interpreted as ‘no’ except in Greece, where the gesture is highly insulting and
you can easily find yourself pleading innocence to the local authorities
...

Status behaviour is about showing respect
...
Usually, to show respect you put yourself in a lower
position to the other person
...

Within royal households, staff bow or curtsey when the monarch passes
...
School students are taught to rise when an adult
enters the classroom and when the boss struts through the office the staff
straighten up
...


Bowing, kneeling, and curtseying
Bowing, kneeling, curtseying, and lowering the head are low status behaviours
...
This behaviour can be traced to the animal kingdom where creatures under attack cringe and crouch to protect themselves
...
Someone holding a lower status bows lower and longer
...
If one of
the people wants to show more respect she adds an extra bow
...

When you’re bowing to someone who holds a higher rank than you, make
sure that you out bow her and keep your eyes respectfully lowered
...
When bowing to a Japanese person your hands slide down the front
of your legs towards your knees, or down the sides of your legs
...

If you’re ever reprimanded in front of someone in a higher position of authority make yourself look small
...


Standing to attention
Standing with a straight back, legs close together with your weight distributed evenly between them, arms by your sides, and your hands remaining
still, is a sign of deference
...
You
look straight ahead and don’t move a muscle until you’re spoken to
...
We were also taught to look her in the eye, shake hands
firmly, and say a polite ‘hello’
...
When we became adults, we
were permitted to remain seated, although the men at the table were expected
to stand
...
This was a sign of respect and always brought parental approval
...
For example, in Argentina people stand close to one another
...

Australians, however, require a lot of space between themselves – if you get
closer than an arm’s length away an Aussie feels hemmed in
...
What the well-trained eye notices is that
they’re all quite restrained in the way they use their bodies
...

If you want to avoid embarrassing your Nordic friend or acquaintance, particularly in public, refrain from behaving in an intimate manner
...

If you were a fly on the wall in an American manufacturing company you’d
see the plant manager walking around, chatting informally with the staff and
factory workers
...
In France, by contrast, the plant manager always
wears a suit and begins the day by greeting everyone in the office and in the
factory with a handshake
...

In many Western cultures, when friends greet each other, you may see them
perform the ‘air kiss’, shown in Figure 15-1, in which a kiss to the right and
left cheeks is directed towards the sky rather than landing on the face
...


Chapter 15: Crossing the Cultural Divide
Like southern Europeans and unlike their Japanese neighbours, the Chinese
demonstrate their regard for members of their own sex by publicly holding
hands or making other forms of physical contact
...


Common Gestures, Multiple
Interpretations
Just when you thought you knew the meaning of laughter, the ‘thumbs up’
sign, and giving the ‘okay’ signal, you find yourself creating the most embarrassing faux pas
...
Hardly a viable excuse
...
In many cultures it means ‘good’
...

If you’re travelling in Japan and want to indicate that everything’s just great,
stick your thumb up in the air with a clenched fist
...


The ‘okay’ sign
Traveller, beware
...
When the Japanese make this sign they’re signalling money
...
Whereas, for the French,
the gesture stands for zero
...
In Arab countries it’s a rude sexual gesture
...
Giving the okay sign can be a blessing or
a curse!
Never give the okay sign in Japan while shaking your fist – it’s considered to
be an extremely rude gesture
...


Laughter
When a person laughs in the Western world, you’re safe in assuming that they’re
happy
...
Japanese laugh as a means of controlling their displeasure
...

Cultures have personalities, like people
...
Others are less expressive, and their gestures are fewer, closer to the
body and generally more restrained
...
Take yourself to
Stockholm and experience the difference
...
Both groups are equally
friendly and caring; they express their feelings and good will quite differently
...
Have you ever watched the same film in
two different countries with different national audiences? I remember watching the film Four Weddings and a Funeral both in Britain and in America
...


Chapter 15: Crossing the Cultural Divide
A young Japanese woman reveals her embarrassment by giggling behind her
hands, which are held in an upright position, slightly away from her mouth,
with the palm facing her face
...

Brazilians, for example, avoid giving bad news and saying no
...
They aren’t seeking to deceive, and
they aren’t avoiding loss of face
...

I was recently in Bulgaria and invited to a family gathering
...
But it was clear from the body language
and the tone of the conversation that things were ‘heating up’
...
Suddenly, someone said something that broke the deadlock – everyone smiled, laughed, shrugged shoulders, patted each others’ arms, and
resumed eating
...
Keeping relationships on an even keel was more important than
deciding who was right and who was wrong
...
She was well wrapped up in her
wool coat and hat
...
She was forced to stand, pressed up against the
safety glass of the door that divides the trains
...
With one
lurch of the train, the passengers all swayed toward Caroline’s end and
pressed against her
...
In spite of her condition people ignored her
...
A few minutes later, a youngish Japanese who was in the carriage
with Caroline when the accident occurred, came and knocked out the rest of
the glass to minimise the danger
...
All these actions took place with no eye contact
...
Their lack of emotional reaction was their way of smoothing over an embarrassing situation for
Caroline, in spite of the incident being an accident
...


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A potpourri of local customs
When visiting Asian and Middle Eastern societies only use your right hand for greeting and
eating
...
It would be highly insulting to use your
left hand in any greeting, and vulgar to use it for
eating
...

Asians and Arabs consider the feet to be
unclean
...
To
show the soles of your shoes is highly insulting
...

In Thailand you must never step on a doorsill
entering someone’s home
...

Some Asian cultures, including Thailand and
India, consider the head to be a sacred area
where the soul resides
...


Playing by the Local Rules: Eye Contact
In most Western countries, eye contact is a necessary ingredient for demonstrating respect, yet throughout much of Asia the opposite is true
...

When conversing with someone from the Far East, avoid making eye contact,
except for an occasional glance to make sure that they’re still there
...

Always watch for how a person gestures
...
Maria, for example, was working in Japan with a Japanese colleague, preparing a client presentation
...
He told
her that, yes, he was
...
When she asked him why he’d told her that it was
all right when it wasn’t, he replied: ‘But I told you with sad eyes, Maria
...
If you’re ever invited to a Scandinavian’s
home for dinner, be prepared for some serious eye contact
...
Although the toast has
its variations throughout the Nordic lands, the main point to remember is
that direct and prolonged eye contact throughout the ritual is required
...
Many Asian participants say that looking at a superior, or colleague, in the eye is difficult because
that suggests arrogance and disrespect on the part of the younger person
...
Conversely, if westerners
are going to a culture where eye contact is restricted, they need to experience
how it feels to create a relationship by averting their eyes, usually downward,
with clients, superiors, and colleagues
...
On Saturday night they hosted a formal dinner party for the four of
us and ten other friends
...

Every time our generous and gracious host raised his glass he looked each
guest directly in the eye as we raised our glasses in response
...
Fortunately, we only toasted once during the
serving of the hot food
...
Take a moment to consider what that thinking leads to
...
For
example, North American and Europe are continents where it’s customary for
men and women to socialise both individually and in groups
...
This is not the case in
Muslim countries, however, where men greet other male friends with a handshake, an embrace, and touching one’s cheek to the other
...

And never the twain shall meet
...


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You may be effusive in your style, wanting to put your arm around your
friend and give her a big hug when you see her
...
However, unless you want to
embarrass your Norwegian buddy, a polite hello suffices
...
And isn’t that what acting in a friendly manner is all about?
Acting in a friendly way means that you conform to the traditions of the other
person’s culture, respect her traditions, and consider how your behaviour
may be perceived in a culture very different from yours
...
If
you think this sounds pretty obvious, you’re right
...
Then
they’re surprised when the person tells them he’s unhappy, he’s angry, or
he’s packing up and leaving home
...
‘If
you’d paid attention, you’d have realised’, comes the reply
...
After
that you can begin to interpret what their behaviour means
...
The experienced observer knows that it takes more than one gesture
to convey a message
...
If you
want to communicate a concept you have to speak several words, or even a
few sentences, to express what you mean
...
One gesture doesn’t tell the whole story
...

In this chapter you explore and interpret gesture clusters and see where
there may be contradictions between what someone says and how he says it
...
Big mistake
...
The way a person behaves can complement, supplement, and even supersede what he’s saying
...
Whether you’re observing participants in a
business meeting, a family negotiation, or watching a couple in a restaurant,
by being aware of how the people position and move their bodies, you may
end up understanding more about their relationship than they do
...
Body is open and forward moving
...
Head hunches into raised shoulders
...

Shoulders hunch forward; body is slack
...
Raised eyebrows are
pulled together (not as much curve in the brow as in surprise)
...

Whites of the eyes show; lips are pulled back; mouth is slightly opened
...

ߜ Anger: Eyebrows pulled down and inward; vertical crease between the
brows; eyes narrow and take on a hard, staring look
...
Hands are clenched,
body is forward moving
...
If they feel they’re being scrutinised,
they may become antagonistic toward you
...
At a private dinner party held in his honour he
was invited to speak informally while coffee was being served
...
At that time he spoke with reasonable authority and clarity
...
By the end of the evening James was tired
...
As he spoke, his wife whispered
and giggled with her young, handsome dinner partner, occasionally casting a
glance towards her husband and pointing to her watch as if to tell him that it
was time for him to wrap it up
...
By the way James’s wife behaved throughout
the day and evening, it was clear that their relationship was both complex
and complicated
...
For example, when someone scratches his
nose, that’s not necessarily an immediate indication of guilt
...
If, however, his eyes dart about, he’s chewing his lip, his
legs are crossed, and one arm is tightly folded over his body, you’re safe in
betting that he’s in a negative state
...


Looking at the sum total of the gestures
When observing body language watch for all the behaviours
...
If the sides of
a person’s lips are lifted up, don’t assume he’s happy
...
If he’s got a vertical line running between his brows and is
leaning forward, he’s showing you that he’s interested, not angry
...
The sides of the mouth going up while the sides of the eyes pull
down gives two meanings
...

When in doubt, trust the eyes
...
People always believe what they see more than
what they hear
...
Staring into space with dull eyes says
he’s bored
...

Crossed arms across his chest may indicate that he’s feeling cold, or that he’s
adverse to what you’re saying
...
When in
doubt of a person’s attitude, look to see how his body’s positioned
...


Signalling stress
One way of telling when someone is feeling stressed is to observe his face
and hands
...
When you
respond in a way that relieves that pressure, he’s forever grateful
...
Even if he tells
you that he’s just got a headache, he’s still dealing with the pressure that
comes from the pain
...
To keep himself awake he may doodle or occasionally shift in his seat
...
After a few minutes of listening to the man’s ramblings and
mumblings, Morten realised that the client was neither as smart nor as interesting as he’d thought
...
Observing his fellow
delegates, he noticed that the majority of them weren’t looking at his client
and many were leaning backwards, resting their heads in their hands
...
The speaker’s lacklustre
presentation was reflected in a feeling of boredom throughout the room
...
This is a typical position of a greeting when loved ones return after a long absence
...
This was the first time that Kiera had been away from home for such
a long time and Nicky could hardly wait to see her return home safely
...
The
longer Nicky waited the more anxious she became
...
Nicky couldn’t restrain herself and ran forward, arms outstretched, and embraced her daughter, rocking back and forth while holding
her tightly, as if she’d never let go
...


Dealing with a mismatch between
spoken and non-verbal messages
Words convey information and gestures convey attitude
...
Say, for example, that you and your partner

Chapter 16: Reading the Signs
have had a disagreement
...
When you suggest that he may still be harbouring some
resentment, anger, or other negative feelings, he scoffs at the suggestion, and
assures you that you’re putting too much emphasis on what you see
...
Here is a case of actions speaking louder than words
...
Although Kate,
his line manager, said that he was doing a fine job she avoided his gaze
during the meeting, focusing instead on the report in front of her, and only
occasionally lifting her head
...
When she did lift her
eyes from her desk, she looked over Stephen’s shoulder or at the floor
...
Her facial expression was serious
...
Although her words were supportive, her body language said
that she wasn’t happy with the job Stephen was doing
...

Think back to a conversation you may have had when you knew that something wasn’t quite right
...
What gestures was the person using? What words was he saying? How
were you able to tell that the gestures weren’t supporting the spoken message?
Over lunch with her friends, Jacqui was talking about her relationship with
her husband, Michael
...
She seemed distracted and kept
twisting her wedding ring on and off her finger as she spoke
...
Remembering how
she had behaved at lunch that day, none of them was surprised
...
Look at the bigger
picture
...
Or
perhaps he ate something he now wishes he hadn’t
...


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The New Zealand haka
The Maori haka, an action chant with hand gestures and foot stamping, is traditionally performed by the New Zealand rugby team, the All
Blacks, before an international test match
...
The most famous haka ‘Ka Mate’
tells of the wily ruse that a Maori chief used to
outwit his enemies and is interpreted as a celebration of the triumph of life over death
...
The climax
of this new haka is particularly aggressive as
each player, staring at the opposing team, performs a throat-slitting action
...
The All Blacks went on to win the
match 31 to 27
...
He gives the appearance of being strong and active
...
However, when we shook hands I had my doubts
...
Based on that handshake, I began to doubt how committed a man he
was
...
Because his hands are vital for his
work, he must protect them, and use them gently
...
Paying attention to
the signs is the second
...
Give yourself 15 minutes a day to observe other
people’s gestures and see if you can make sense of what their bodies are
saying
...
Train stations, airports, and restaurants afford the opportunity to observe people without being obvious
...
See if you can figure out what’s
going on by observing how the people on the screen are interacting
...


Part V

The Part of Tens

E

In this part
...
Here you find ten subtle giveaways
to identify if someone’s lying to you, and ten ways to
show your interest in someone
...
Bon appetit!

Chapter 17

Ten Ways to Spot Deception
In This Chapter
ᮣ Watching facial expressions
ᮣ Looking for body signals
ᮣ Listening for voice patterns

‘O

h, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive!’
The problem with trusting body language as the sole source of information is that human beings are complex creatures
...
Context is key and even forensic professionals can be
stumped when it comes to spotting the giveaways
...

Spotting deception is awfully difficult to do
...
So, focus on a wide range of clues
...


Catching Fleeting Expressions
Crossing the Face
If you’ve ever fibbed, fudged, or fabricated – your secret’s safe with me – you
may remember how important it is not to reveal yourself
...

What you can’t control are those tiny, barely perceptible micro expressions
that flit across your face in a nanosecond and die the moment after they’ve
appeared
...
The minor muscular twitches, the dilation and
contraction of the pupils, flushed cheeks, and the slight sweating that occurs
when you’re under pressure can give away your game
...
While
the face may look calm and composed, at some point there comes a moment
when the mask falls to reveal the true feelings
...
Someone asks you how you’re getting
on
...
While your words say ‘Yes!’ and
you’re smiling and laughing as you’re telling the story, for the briefest of
moments a look of fear crosses your face, immediately replaced by your
previous enthusiastic and excited expression
...
It shows that, although you want to convey the impression
of loving what you had been doing, during that fall you feared for your life
...
It’s what’s known as a ‘poker face’ and is the easiest and most successful
way of concealing what you’d rather not show
...

Say you’re at the funeral of a dear friend
...
You voluntarily compose your facial expression, replacing your
instinct to cry with a tight-lipped pose or even a slight smile as people pay
their condolences
...
Your lips may well tremble as
you fight to contain your emotion and deceive others into thinking that you
are bearing up well
...

Others look away
...
Possible signs of deception include:

Chapter 17: Ten Ways to Spot Deception
ߜ Eye rubbing: It’s not unusual for deceivers to rub their eyes as they’re
speaking
...

Men rub their eyes vigorously whereas women use a small, gentle touching action just below the eye
...

ߜ Inability to look you in the eye: You know this as the familiar shifty
eyed character, where the deceiver can’t look you in the eye
...

If you think someone is telling you a tall story, interject a few simple, uncontroversial questions that you know will elicit honest answers
...
Follow this up with a trickier question
...
If she has to make up an answer her eyes go in search of it
...

Look for unusual patterns and over-compensation
...


Covering the Source of Deception
Hand-to-face actions provide a basis for spotting deception
...
This
action stems from their younger days when, as children, they covered their
mouths when telling a lie
...
) With age, that
gesture modifies and becomes less obvious
...
If you’re having a
difficult conversation with someone and notice her resting her chin on her
hand with her index finger surreptitiously touching the corner of the mouth
while she’s speaking, she’s possibly giving you a sign that she’s holding something back
...

People who are trying to deceive you receive subconscious instructions from
their brain telling them that the best way to suppress their deceitful words is to
cover their mouth
...
A single finger over the mouth
is like the shh-ing gesture
...
They may even
put their fingers in their mouths in an unconscious attempt to revert to the childhood security of being at their mother’s breast when they’re feeling under pressure
...

Finally, when someone is holding back information, she quite often suppresses her words with a fake cough or a clearing of the throat
...
As the hand
comes towards the mouth it is deflected to avoid being obvious
...

When someone lies, it releases chemicals known as catecholamines, triggering the nasal tissues to swell
...
A tingling sensation in the nose develops resulting in an itch that screams to be
scratched
...

During his Grand Jury testimony over the Monica Lewinsky affair, President
Clinton touched his nose 26 times when answering probing, uncomfortable
questions
...

The Nose Touch is an overworked deceit action, so if you’re ever in the position of having to be duplicitous, find yourself another gesture
...
A smile is disarming
...

But there’s something about a fake smile that causes warning signals to flash
...
Firstly, they are confined to the lower half of
the face
...

Secondly, the timing of a fake grin is an indicator
...
While the artificial smile swiftly disappears, the genuine smile evolves
slowly and fades gradually
...

A deceptive smile is asymmetrical, appearing more pronounced on one side
of the face than the other and giving a lopsided effect
...
It’s hard to make the corners rise if someone’s
feeling sad or depressed
...
When you’re excited
you may wave and flap your hands about without being aware of exactly what
you’re doing
...
You may tuck
them into your armpits, shove them in your pockets (where they can nervously jingle and jangle your keys and coins), or even sit on them
...
Whatever you choose
to do with your hands, your observer is on alert
...

The hands disclaim any responsibility for what the mouth is saying
...
He keeps to a
minimum, if not completely contains, actions that would normally be used to
emphasise a statement, drive home a point, or underscore an idea
...

She keeps them busy, as if deflecting attention from what’s really happening
...
They also touch certain parts of their bodies as if to block
out information or prevent it from escaping
...

ߜ The collar tug or neck scratch: When someone’s holding back information she often tugs at her collar or scratches her neck
...
When a person’s being deceptive
and senses that you know it, her blood pressure increases causing a
slight sweat to form on the neck
...
The neck
scratch, in which the index finger may rub the neck up to five times, signals distrust and reservation
...

Like all possible signs of deception however, you must be careful when
interpreting the nose touch
...


269

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Part V: The Part of Tens
ߜ Crossed arms and legs: These are further signs of holding back an attitude or emotion
...


Shifting Positions and Fidgeting Feet
Feet shuffle, toes twitch, and legs cross and uncross when someone’s being
deceptive
...
While she may wriggle and squiggle her actions appear
stilted rather than animated
...
Legs and
feet are farthest away from the brain so they’re under the least amount of
mental control
...

When a person is being deceitful you may notice an increased number and
more frequent slight changes in body posture
...

A flapping foot, a jabbing toe, and repetitive foot jiggling alone or in combination with squeezed or shifting legs, reveal the conflict between what’s being
said and what’s being felt
...
How you say something can tell the observer more about your feelings and
attitude than the words you utter
...

People who are purposely misleading you tend to say less, speak more slowly,
and make more speech errors
...
They’re
inclined to quickly fill in any potentially awkward gaps in conversation
...


Chapter 18

Ten Ways to Reveal Your
Attractiveness
In This Chapter
ᮣ Showing that you care
ᮣ Demonstrating openness
ᮣ Being yourself at your best

B

eauty is in the eye of the beholder and attractiveness takes many forms
...
Although you may favour
a well-defined body, your best friend may fancy one that’s soft and cuddly
...
What most people find
appealing is openness and someone who takes an interest in them
...
Because people who are perceived as attractive are also considered to have other positive attributes
...
And if that’s not enough reason, attractive people are also
perceived as more intelligent and happier
...
If that’s how you’re perceived, why would you want to argue the point?
Although physique and appearance are contributing factors in determining
your attractiveness, a person overlooks a less-than-perfect face or physique if
the body language is appealing
...
Chances are that he looked you in the eye, kept his body still, and offered
you encouragement to express your thoughts and feelings
...
Establishing and maintaining eye contact with other people
shows you’re interested in them
...

When you look at someone, make sure that your eyes reflect your curiosity
for who that person is
...
And scrunching up your face gives you lines and wrinkles
long before they’re due
...
Anyone who makes another person feel significant and worthwhile is automatically perceived as attractive
...
At least, that’s
what my grandfather told me
...
People want to be with someone
who makes them feel good
...

A face that shows liveliness, interest, and enjoyment is like a magnet
...
By smiling you can
directly influence how other people feel about you
...
By making judicious use of your facial
expressions you can guide people into responding positively to you and to perceiving you as an attractive person
...


Offering Encouragement
By nodding, tilting, and cocking your head in another person’s direction you
show that you’re listening and are interested in what he’s saying
...

Nodding encourages the person to continue speaking and shows that you
care
...
Appealing minor head gestures, showing concern, fascination, or involvement in someone’s story, make you seem connected and
empathetic
...

By showing that you are attentive, comfortable, and at ease with people you
make yourself appear warm and approachable
...

If your tendency is to cross your arms over your chest or to shove your
hands into your pockets, resist the temptation and open your arms, showing
the palms of your hands instead
...
Open gestures encourage others to
enter your environment and demonstrate that you accept and appreciate
who they are
...
That’s not to say that you have to be rigid and stiff
...

When you’re seated in an informal situation lean backwards and adopt an
asymmetrical position
...
Try other positions
...
They take
less effort, too
...
This balanced position shows that you’re focused on the other person
and paying attention to him
...


Positioning Yourself
Attractive people respect others
...
They
seem to have an innate understanding of what makes someone feel good and
what causes offence
...


273

274

Part V: The Part of Tens
Respecting someone’s personal space is an attractive quality
...

Attractive people don’t purposely embarrass someone else and never intentionally invade someone’s territory
...

If you want to reveal your attractiveness, respect the other person’s space
...


Touching to Connect
Attractive people aren’t afraid to make physical contact
...
Touching can be used to encourage, to express affection or compassion, and to show support
...

Your attractiveness quota rises if you intentionally touch another person in
these situations:
ߜ When you’re listening to someone’s problems or concerns, touching the
other person indicates that you care and are offering support
...

ߜ When you’re giving information or advice, your touch conveys encouragement and cooperation
...
Touching implies that a bond exists between the people
involved
...
If in doubt about how your touch is going to be received, best
not do it
...
Although you may not think that how you manage your time has anything to do with body language, it’s an integral aspect of non-verbal communication, which is why I’ve included it here
...
They know what clothes look good on
them and which ones they should give to the
charity shops
...

Start by being clean and well groomed
...
Are
your fingernails clean and trimmed? Do you visit
the dentist regularly? Are your clothes and
shoes in good repair? How you present yourself
reflects how you feel about yourself
...


personal stylist who can guide you when your
friends, family, and your own personal taste take
you down the wrong path
...
Life’s short
...

You don’t have to join an expensive gym or
health club, although if that works for you, do it
...

What you do need to do is find what works for
you, commit to a plan, and stick with it
...


If in doubt about what colours and shapes
suit you best, treat yourself to a session with a

If you’ve ever been kept waiting, whether for an appointment, a date, or even
a response to an e-mail, you know how annoying it is
...
It demonstrates how you feel about and treat
other people
...
It is even expected
...

If you’re habitually late, consider the impact of your behaviour
...

Although you may think that arriving at a dinner party ‘fashionably late’ is
appealing, the host whose soufflé depends on precise timing won’t be
thrilled
...
Watch people
as they speak and you see how their bodies move in a rhythmic pattern,

275

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Part V: The Part of Tens
whether their heads are nodding or their hands are gesturing
...
Notice how, even if you seem to be perfectly still, you’re moving in
time with the speaker’s rhythm
...
These subtle body movements, echoing
those of the speaker, show that you’re paying attention
...
Then, when
you’re willing to let someone else speak you have several options of handing
over the air space
...
By using these signals you’re demonstrating the attractive quality of sharing conversation, rather than keeping it all for yourself
...

They control volume, pitch, and tone to the requirements of the situation
...
In addition, the most attractive
people give their full attention as others express themselves
...

Behaving with confidence, moving with purpose, and demonstrating that you
comfortably abide by the rules of whatever environment you find yourself in,
are sure signs that you’re an attractive person whose company others seek
...
Although she’s interesting enough to investigate, you don’t want to pump your friends for information at this stage
...

You have two eyes, two ears, and one mouth
...


Observing Eye Movements
Do they flash? Do they flicker? Are they dull and dreary? Turn to the eyes, the
gateway to the soul, as your first point of reference
...
Eyes that turn downwards like Antonio Banderas’s give the impression
that the person is authoritative and caring
...
They also quiver at the new
James Bond, Daniel Craig, he of the steely eyes and climbing-frame figure
...
Even though she shows a down-to-earth kindness in her eyes,
they’re covered by a gauze curtain to keep her feelings concealed from her
public
...
She was naturally skilled at creating empathy and captured the world’s compassion by the tilt of her head and
her upward gaze
...

If the person in your sights returns your gaze with lowered eyelids, raised eyebrows, and slightly parted lips, she’s showing you that she’s interested in you
and wants to take this further
...

For more on how to read eyes, head to Chapter 5
...
The most successful people in the
public eye manipulate their facial expressions in order to elicit desired
responses
...

The saying goes that behind every successful man is a strong woman
...
Their gaze is unwavering, full of attention, awe, and adoration
...
Like a love-struck teenager, she would gaze
upon him with Bambi-like devotion
...

At President Gerald Ford’s funeral, his widow Betty, a highly respected and
accomplished woman in her own right, showed the world how to behave with
dignity and grace during times of loss, sadness, and public scrutiny
...
At least, not openly
...
You only had to look at her face to
absorb both her pain and her fortitude
...


Chapter 19: Ten Ways to Find Out about Someone without Asking

Watching for Head Movements
Observe someone nodding in agreement, understanding, or with the desire to
add her point of view to the speaker’s
...
Slow nods tell you she’s following the
speaker, and fast nodding indicates a desire to jump into the conversation
...

Cocked, canted, and tilted heads tell you the other person’s
ߜ Thinking about what’s going on
ߜ Contemplating a retort
ߜ Responding submissively
When you register head movements in combination with other gestures, such
as lip and eye actions, you’re better equipped to determine a person’s attitude
and its underlying message
...


Noticing Hand and Arm Gestures
Look at a person’s hands for revealing gestures
...
Someone
flapping her hands like Prissy in Gone With the Wind is, well, in a flap!
When someone’s hand goes to her mouth, you’re safe in betting that she’s
holding back some kind of feeling, emotion, or attitude
...

Anyone rubbing her hands and licking her lips at the same time is feeling
happy and excited, as long as the speed’s up tempo
...
This person may be dreaming up a scheme, calculating her chances, or devising a strategy that benefits herself – and not you
...
Of
course, she may just be reacting to a cold blast of air
...
You may want to stay out
of that person’s way
...


279

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Part V: The Part of Tens

Observing Posture
An upright stance, with legs parallel and feet under knees, knees under hips,
and hips under shoulders, marks out the strong and powerful individual
...
She may have moved into aggressive territory
...
In a woman, crossed ankles
and hands neatly folded in her lap suggest a prim and proper attitude, whereas
men who sit with their legs splayed, their arms stretched across the back of
their chair, and their chests pumped out, are showing how manly they are
...


Considering Proximity and Orientation
Does a person get up close and personal when she’s not been invited? Does
she turn her back when you approach? You can tell a lot about a person’s
nature, attitude, and culture by the amount of space she places between the
two of you, as well as how she positions her body in relation to yours
...
If she’s feeling competitive she sits across from you
...

Look at where a single person places herself in public places
...
Although facing other people
head on may indicate a fearless attitude, it can be a bit overwhelming for
both the person assuming the position as well as other people
...

Those with a sense of high status remain seated while others stand
...
Someone who believes she’s of equal status with a colleague sits next
to that person’s desk
...


Chapter 19: Ten Ways to Find Out about Someone without Asking

Paying Attention to Touching
Favourable judgement is most often given to the person who is able comfortably to touch someone else
...
That small point aside, the people you see touching are the ones who are
ߜ Offering information or advice
ߜ Giving a command
ߜ Making a request
ߜ Persuading another person
ߜ At a party
ߜ Conveying enthusiasm
ߜ Listening to another person’s troubles
ߜ In a dominant role
When another person touches you, that person is implying that a bond exists
between the two of you
...
Go to Chapter 9 for more on
messages conveyed through touch
...
You may
start by noticing their clothes
...
They’re a sign of what the person wearing
them is like
...

And what about fitness? Whatever the investment in clothing and accessories, without a fit body reflecting an active mind, a person has trouble convincing an observer that no confidence issues exist that aren’t being addressed
...


281

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Part V: The Part of Tens
People who want to present themselves at the top of their game pay attention
to their outward appearance
...
Go to Chapter 11 for more on how personal
appearance can influence others’ perceptions of you
...
Others may struggle with time and use it ineffectively,
adversely affecting their ability to communicate
...
They value pace,
punctuality, and a pre-determined schedule
...
Europeans and North Americans find the concepts of tardiness, slowness, and unstructured time difficult to grasp, much less view in a
positive light
...

In India, Saudi Arabia, and other far- and middle-eastern cultures, people
have a more relaxed approach towards time
...
Doing so is not intended to be rude
...

When you’re interacting comfortably with another person and have established a good rapport you may find that your body movements match one
another’s
...
Your movements are
coordinated, or synchronised
...
Imagine the ensuing chaos if your movements were waltz-like
while the person you’re interacting with moved in time to the jitterbug
...

If you pay attention to the other person and match your body movements,
your communication is going to be more effective
...
By nodding at his
jokes, smiling at his stories, and recognising by the cant of his head that
cocktail hour has begun, your body reflects and responds to the signals he’s
sending out
...

After listening to a long-winded conversation, the person who wants to make
a point moves quite conspicuously when she thinks the speaker is about to
come to a conclusion
...


Chapter 19: Ten Ways to Find Out about Someone without Asking

Scrutinising Non-verbal
Aspects of Speech
Because we take meaning from the way a message is delivered as well as from
the words themselves, it’s advisable to pay attention to the non-verbal
aspects of speech
...
Add in
accent, rate, and emphasis and the picture becomes clearer
...
If the
voice is low in volume, sombre in tone, slow in speed, and lacking in emphasis, you can figure that she’s feeling sad or depressed
...

If a person lifts the pitch at the ends of her sentences and is neither asking a
question nor Australian, you may be right in thinking she’s feeling a bit insecure or uncertain about what she’s saying
...
Polished performers eliminate those space fillers and count
on the pause to provide authority and indicate confidence
...
It makes you feel good
...

Finally, the person who wants to demonstrate that she has higher status than
another, aims to have the last word on a subject
...
Actually,
they’re not such big secrets
...
If you’re aware of
your current behaviour and are willing to do what you have to do to get the
results you want, you’re well on your way to achieving them
...
They can
empathise with you, and just by looking at you, know how you’re feeling
...
I’m willing
to bet – and I’m not a betting woman – that the ones whose company you
seek out are the ones who make you feel good about yourself
...


286

Part V: The Part of Tens
I once described another person as ‘boring’
...
He also suggested
that I may want to consider my own behaviour
...
Instead of umming, erring,
or ahhing, the expert communicator leaves those space fillers to the people
who are afraid to state their beliefs and hesitant about saying what they feel
...
If you’re speaking as you’re thinking about what you want to say, you may have to make several attempts
before you get your words out the way you want them to be heard
...


Modelling Excellence
Every so often you meet someone who has the knack for communicating in
such a way that keeps you hanging onto his every word and makes you long
to be in his company
...

Observing other people gives you the chance to see what works and what
doesn’t
...
If
someone presents himself in such a way that commands your attention and
elicits your respect, you sit up and take notice
...
Review your current behaviour and acknowledge
where you may have some blind spots
...
By recognising what you do well and where there’s room
for improvement you give yourself a foundation to build on
...


Chapter 20: Ten Ways to Improve Your Silent Communication

Mirroring Others
By mirroring, or reflecting the behaviour of another person, you can create a
natural rapport that leads to effective communication
...
Mirroring demonstrates that you’re willing to echo
what you’re observing in order to create an environment where both you and
the other person can communicate freely and comfortably
...
For tips and techniques for effective
mirroring techniques, head to Chapter 1
...


Practising Gestures
Some people struggle when it comes to using appropriate gestures to express
themselves effectively
...
One person I know, who’s a thoroughly
pleasant fellow, habitually frowns, making him look angry and out of sorts
...
His
genuine interest in other people means that he really concentrates on what
they do and say, causing his brow to furrow
...
Other people thought he was showing disapproval
...
It may feel uncomfortable at first, as any new habit does
...


Developing Timing and Synchronisation
How people relate to time is central to who they are
...
They consider keeping another person
waiting to be rude and hostile
...
Moving and working at a fast pace earns you

287

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Part V: The Part of Tens
more respect than if you move at a slower tempo
...

One way you can improve your use of time is to anticipate what’s coming
next
...
This anticipatory scanning technique is particularly useful for
anyone working with the public, such as waiters and airline personnel
...

Sometimes you feel good and can communicate with ease and enthusiasm
...
The body’s natural time rhythms influence these moods
...
Go get yourself a good night’s sleep and see how you do in the
morning
...
It has been argued that by
having your gestures echo those of others, a rhythmic pattern is produced
that enhances communication
...
The way you
dress sends out messages about you
...

The key is knowing what’s expected and what’s acceptable
...
To do so makes other people uncomfortable
...

Sure, you want to be comfortable and dress in a way that reflects who you
are
...
You really do
...
They do need to be clean, in good repair, and suited to your shape
and style
...


Chapter 20: Ten Ways to Improve Your Silent Communication

Acting the Way You Want
to Be Perceived
First, you decide how you want to be perceived
...

You may never have thought about the way you act, thinking that how you
behave is just fine
...
Just remember, if you
want to be perceived in a certain way you have to give some thought to your
behaviour
...
If
you want to be taken seriously, your actions need to be more contained, and
your facial expression more sober
...


Demonstrating Awareness
Some people just don’t get it
...
If you pay attention to the reactions of other
people you develop an awareness of what works when and where
...
And in
many ways you’re right
...
By knowing how certain people respond to specific behaviours, you can adapt your style to meet theirs thus creating an environment
that’s conducive to successful communication
...
By paying attention to how someone else is conducting himself you can
respond in a way that makes that person feel noticed and valued
...


Asking for Feedback
It doesn’t hurt, well, not too much, to ask how people perceive you
...
If, however, they tell you
one thing and you thought you were projecting something else, you may want
to spend some time re-evaluating your perceptions
...
Otherwise you leave the door open
for all kinds of information to come flooding through, some of which may not
be pertinent or helpful
...

Make sure that you’re open and receptive to the feedback you get and that
you listen attentively
...
If you don’t understand, ask
for clarification
...

This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with what he’s saying, just that you
value and allow him his observations
...

After all, you asked for them
...
See also clothing; smoking
carrying, 243–244
eye glasses, 181–184
feelings reflected through, 179–180
handbag, 132, 224
jewellery, 189
makeup, 187–189, 224
men’s, 190–191
relieving tension with, 180–181
ties, 132, 191, 226
women’s, 189–190
actors
creating a character, 29
fans’ assuming intimacy with, 199
use of non-verbal gestures, 40
adaptors, 38, 163
advertisements, 136
affection, 119, 251
affective displays, 37
aggression
...
See also aggression
clenched hands showing, 147–149
facial colour indicating rage, 70
facial expressions, 65, 70, 258
hostility gestures, 86, 88
jaw, jutting, 46–47, 65
leaning forward with, 120
tight lips indicating, 97
animals
apes and monkeys, 35, 88
behaviour studies on, 11
body language of, 33, 34
chimpanzees, 34, 35
showing interest, 72–73
ankles, knotted, 174–175, 176
anxiety
...
See also attractive people;
clothing; image
first impressions, 230–234
making an entrance, 231, 234, 241
projecting an image, 10–11
reading, 281–282
taking pride in, 275
tall versus short people, 209, 211
appreciation and gratitude, 17
The Apprentice (television show), 239
Arab countries
...
See also hand gestures;
hugging
crossed arms, 126–129, 270
the fig leaf, 130, 149

292

Body Language For Dummies
arm gestures (continued)
folded arms, 18
gripping the arms, 127–128, 155
open arms, 131
raised with tightly closed fist, 36
reading, 279
Army salute, 142
arrogance, 46–47
Asian cultures
...
See also attractive
people
animals showing, 72–73
attracting, 213–217
boredom changed to, 286
demonstrating, 289
eyes showing, 76–78, 84–86
facial expressions showing, 71–73
feet positions showing, 175–177
head gestures showing, 53–55
importance of, 285–286
lack of, 120–121
leaning forward, 119–120
posture showing, 273
reading body language and, 255–258
revitalizing, posture for, 120
standing to attention, 249
walking style showing, 217
attitude
...
See also appearance;
confidence; successful people
appearance, taking pride in, 275
dilated pupils of, 226–227
eye contact, establishing, 271–272
liveliness in the face, 272
offering encouragement, 272
open gestures of, 273
punctuality of, 274–275
respect for others’ personal space,
273–274
sexual appeal of, 184–185, 216
synchronising gestures, 275–276, 288
touching to connect, 274
voice, well-modulated, 63, 276, 283
Australians, 249
authority and power
...
See also
attractive people; successful people
anticipating movements, 27–28
becoming who you want to be, 28–30
creating rapport, 28
overview, 2, 26–27
spatial awareness, 27
bent blade stance, 171
Birdwhistell, Ray (anthropologist)
on gestures of confident people, 154
kinesics studies, 28, 36
on posture, 115
Black, Conrad (newspaper magnate), 93
Blair, Tony (British Prime Minister), 132
blinking the eyes, 86–88
blue jeans, 208
blushing, 25
body language
...
See rapport
bone cruncher handshake, 157–158
boredom
changing into interest, 286
controlling a bore, 82
deep thinking versus, 58
drumming fingers in, 259
facial expressions, 260
hand to cheek, 163
head gestures showing, 57–58
lack of blinking as sign of, 88
boundaries
...
(U
...
President), 53
business card, presenting in Japan, 248
business situations
...
(professor), 209
Calero, Henry H
...
See also sitting
on casters, 239
choosing, 241
height of, 238–239
placing, 239
Chaplin, Charlie (actor), 40
Chaplin, William (professor), 157
character
personal space needs and, 197–198
posture revealing, 113–114
walking style showing, 29
Charles, Prince of Wales, 24, 132
chest, arms crossed over, 126–129
chewing the lips, 93
chimpanzees, 34, 35
chin
...
See also Asian cultures
binding women’s feet, 166
displaying affection, 251
greetings and farewells, 247
hugging in, 256
Chirologia: or the Natural Language of the
Hand (Bulwer), 11
chopping gesture, 153–154
Churchill, Winston (British Prime
Minister), 37, 187
cigar smokers, 186–187
clapping the hands together once, 21
clasping the head, 57
clearing the throat, 267
Cleaver, Eldridge (civil rights leader), 168
clenched hands
the fig leaf, 130, 149
in front of face, 147–148
in the mid position, 148–149
Clinton, Bill (U
...
President)
eye gaze of, 79
holding hands, 228

nose touch of, 268
power of persuasion, 64
Clinton, Hilary Rodham (First Lady of the
United States), 164, 190, 228
closed-lip grin, 102
closed-palm, finger-pointed gesture,
144–145
clothing
...
See also speech
clearly formulated, 286
face-to-face, 12, 118
posture aided with, 117–120
signalling lack of knowledge, 121–122
unconscious messages, 11–12
con artists, 141
confidence
...
See rapport
contact lenses, 184
contempt, 69
conversation
controlling a bore, 82
dominant person in, 80
encouraging speaker to continue, 51–52
initiating, 216
using eye glasses to control, 183
cooperative gestures, 205, 236
cough, fake, 267
counting on the fingers, 14
courtship
attracting attention, 213–217
clothing for, 219
facial expressions, 219
filling the space, 218
flirting, 83, 215
initiating a conversation, 216
matching each other’s behaviours, 228
men’s gestures, 225–226
preening gestures, 172, 215, 219, 226
signs of togetherness, 228
stages of, 215–219, 227
walking, wiggling, and swaggering, 217
women’s gestures, 219–225
cradling the head, 56–57
Craig, Daniel (actor), 168, 277
cranial nerve VII (facial nerve), 62
credibility
...
See courtship
de Boulogne, Guillaume Duchenne
(neurophysiologist), 68
de Waal, Frans (researcher), 34–35
deception
con artists, 141
excess self-touching, 269–270
eyes showing, 266–267
faking a smile, 268
feet positions indicating, 175
hand-to-face actions revealing, 267
legs and feet showing, 178
micro facial expressions, 265–266
minimising hand gestures, 269
Pinocchio Response, 268
rapid blinking and, 88
shifting positions and fidgeting feet, 270
speech patterns of, 270
touching the nose, 268

295

296

Body Language For Dummies
defensive behaviours
...
See also emotions;
smoking
biting fingernails, 164, 180
described, 23–24
drumming fingers, 23, 162, 259
fiddling with objects, 24, 132, 162–163,
180, 223

hand to cheek, 163
hand to chin, 164
hand to nose, 163, 268
displeasure, 94, 120
dominance gestures
...
See also displacement gestures;
facial expressions; specific emotions
conflicting, 23
conveyed through body language, 10, 258
creating positive feelings, 51
facial expressions masking, 65

Index
facial expressions showing, 61–62, 66–73
holding back, 92, 94, 147–149
inseparable from communication, 12
intensity of, 110–112
empathy gestures, 14
encouragement
head gestures showing, 51–53
offering, 272
entrance, making, 231, 234, 241
entwining the legs, 172, 225
environment
...
See also Britain; France
Germany, 254
Nordic countries, 250, 254–255
waving farewell, 248
Evil Eye, 81
excellence, modelling, 286
exiting, 232
The Expression of Emotions in Man and
Animals (Darwin), 11, 34
expressions
...
See also eye gestures; pupils
breaking or avoiding, 80, 83–86, 267
in business situations, 81–82
controlling a bore with, 82
establishing, 271–272
in Japan and Asian countries, 76, 248, 254
time spent in, average, 76
where to focus the gaze, 77, 81
eye gestures
...
See also anxiety; defensive
behaviours; nervous gestures
avoiding eye contact and, 80
chewing associated with, 93
facial expressions for, 70–71, 72, 258
leaning backward, 120
momentary look of, 270
projecting confidence and, 117
raised eyebrows indicating, 88
feedback, asking for, 289–290
feelings
...
See also legs; standing
fidgeting, 174, 270
flicking, 23
knotted ankles, 174–175, 176
pointing where you want to go, 173–174
posture and, 173–177
straddle stance, 166–168, 170
threatening, 167
twitching, flicking, or going in circles,
175–177
the fig leaf, 130, 149
fingernails, biting, 164, 180
fingers
...
See also courtship
fluttering the eyelids, 90
folded hand gesture, 147
Ford, Betty (First Lady of the United
States), 278
Ford, Harrison (actor), 99
forward leaning, 119
Four Weddings and a Funeral (film), 252
France
greetings and farewells, 246, 248
okay signal in, 251
positioning and setting boundaries, 250
Freud, Sigmund (father of psychoanalysis),
187
Friesen, W
...
(developer of FACS),
12, 36, 68, 178
frustration
...
See eye gestures
gender, touch considerations, 135–136
Germany, 254
gestures
...
See greetings and farewells
Grant, Cary (actor), 29
Grant, Hugh (actor), 21, 100
Greece, waving farewell, 248
Greenwood, Ramon (career counsellor), 58
greetings and farewells, 138, 246–248
grins
...
(anthropologist)
The Hidden Dimension, 196–197
on personal space, 27
hand gestures
...
See also
laughter; smiling
hat, removing or tipping, 208
head gestures
agreement and encouragement, 51–53
beckoning with head, 50
boredom shown with, 57–58
clasping the head, 57
cradling head for comfort, 56–57
dipping and ducking, 56, 221
displaying attention and interest, 53–55

299

300

Body Language For Dummies
head gestures (continued)
head cock, 54–55
head nod, 51–52, 53, 72, 272
head shake, 49
intimidating with, 50
lifted head, 46
for power and authority, 45–51
reading, 279
resting on hand, 59
showing deep thought, 58–59
sitting tête à tête, 55
submissiveness or worry, 55–57
tilting and canting, 53–54, 55, 220, 221
tossing the head, 50, 219–220
touching the head, 50–51, 254
heart, hand held over, 13, 17
Hecht, Marvin (professor), 98
height
standing tall, 114–115, 233–234
tall versus short people, 209, 211
hello
...
See also touch
cultural differences, 250, 256
during greetings and farewells, 138
half-hugs, 129
or stroking yourself, 129
humility, 102

•I•
icons used in this book, 4
illustrators, 37
image
...
See also attractive
people
animals showing, 72–73
attracting, 213–217
boredom changed to, 286
demonstrating, 289
eyes showing, 76–78, 84–86
facial expressions showing, 71–73
feet positions showing, 175–177
head gestures showing, 53–55
importance of, 285–286
lack of, 120–121
leaning forward, 119–120
posture showing, 273
reading body language and, 255–258
revitalizing, posture for, 120
standing to attention, 249
walking style showing, 217
interlocking fingers, 38
interpreting body language
...
See also business situations;
meetings
body position during, 231, 237–238
facing directly for serious answers,
237–238
first impressions, 230–234
head nods during, 52
interviewers leaning forward, 119
knotted ankles during, 176
negotiating styles, 239–244
pointing body in the right direction,
234–235
power seats, choosing, 238–239
preparing for, 230
relaxed attitude for, 235–237
intimacy, 78, 119
intimidation, 50

•J•
Japan
...
See also chin
drop-jaw smile, 100
jutting, 46–47, 65
jewellery, 189
John, Elton (musician), 184
Journal of Applied Psychology, 209
Judge, Timothy A
...
(U
...
President), 26, 198
kinesics, 36–38
The King and I (musical), 117
kissing
air kiss, 250
on the head, 51
knee, pointing, 224
kneeling, 248–249
knowledge, signalling lack of, 121–122

•L•
La France, Marianne (professor), 98
labia, 224
labial tractor muscles, 94
Latin countries, 256
laughter
...
See also feet
ankles, knotted, 174–175, 176
crossed, 18, 270
entwining, 172, 225
men posing, 172
Lemmon, Jack (actor), 217
levator labii superior muscles, 91
lips
...
See deception
lying down, 116

•M•
makeup
benefits of wearing, 187–188
lipstick, 224
men wearing, 189
at the office, 188
origins of, 189
Mandela, Nelson (President of South
Africa), 37
mannerisms, 164
Manwatching (Desmond), 11
Maori haka, 262
The Marathon Man (film), 240
Margulies, Juliana (actress), 199
Marx, Groucho (comedian), 186
matching gestures
...
See also business situations;
interviews
choosing a good seat, 241
signalling lack of knowledge, 121–122
standing up at, 244
tax audit, 30
Mehrabian, Albert (professor)
on emotional messages, 10
on face-to-face communication, 12, 118
on leaning in, 119
Silent Messages, 118

men
accessories, 190–191
codpiece for, 168, 226
courtship gestures, 225–226
filling the space, 218
preening gestures, 172, 215, 219, 226
reading women’s signals, 215
sexual appeal of, 216
sitting in crossed ankle position, 175
smoking habits of, 185
straddle stance of, 166
threatening stance for, 167
ties, wearing, 132, 191, 226
touch considerations, 135
walking styles, 217, 218
wearing makeup, 189
mentalis muscle, 91
method acting, 240
micro gestures
described, 22
facial expressions, 265–266
head nod, 53
Middle East
eye contact in, 76
greetings and farewells, 246–247
local customs, 254
okay signal in, 251
relaxed approach to time, 282
Saudi Arabia, 246–247, 275, 282
social customs, 255
thumbs up gesture in, 251
mimes, 41
mimicking, 28
mirroring
...
See gestures
muscles
asymmetrical, balancing, 210
leaning forward, 119–120
lip, 91, 94
smile, 68

•N•
Nadal, Rafael (tennis player), 21, 111
The Naked Ape (Desmond), 11
Naval salute, 142
neck
holding the back of, 56–57
rubbing, 129
scratching, 269
showing, 220
negative attitude, 29, 147, 171
negotiations
displaying confidence, 242
nervous gestures to avoid, 242–244
overview, 239–240
owning your space, 240–242
nervous gestures
...
S
...
See also interviews; meetings
clothing for, 189–191
eye contact in, 81–82
makeup for, 188
negotiating styles, 239–244
open-plan office, 202
personal space in, 197
presentations, effective, 82
wearing glasses at, 183–184
okay signal, 251–252
Onassis, Aristotle (shipping magnate), 78
open gestures
arms, 131
attractiveness of, 273
elation gestures, 15
palms, 140–143
posture, 107–108
practicing, 287
open-plan office, 202
orbicularis oculi, 68
orbicularis oris muscles, 91
orientation
...
See also positioning
areas of, 196–198
comfort or discomfort, showing, 201–203
cultural differences, 249–251
developing awareness of, 27
filling, 241–242
getting acquainted with, 241
guarding, 201
importance of, 195–196
invasion of, 195, 201, 203
men versus women, 231
owning, 199–200, 203, 230, 240–242
personality and, 197–198
reading the signs, 280
respect for, 231, 273–274
space invader handshake, 160–161
submission, showing, 200
television’s affect on, 199
personality
personal space needs and, 197–198
posture revealing, 113–114
walking style showing, 29
Pinocchio Response, 268
pipe smokers, 187
Platts, Brinley (Building Confidence
For Dummies), 117, 281
pockets
hands in, 145, 247
playing with, 132
thumbs in, 226
thumbs protruding from, 156
police officers, 128
politicians
bonding with others, 134
gestures of, 14, 132, 151
left wing and right wing, 207
power grip of, 152
smiling, 100, 102
using left side advantage, 161
Pollick, Amy (researcher), 35
positioning
...
See also
attractive people; confidence;
open gestures
posture
...
See also dominance
gestures; status; successful people
aggression, showing, 47–48
arrogance, demonstrating, 46–47
crossed arms and clenched fists, 128
disapproval, showing, 48–49, 79

Index
downward facing palm showing, 143
eye glasses as power props, 183
finger gestures showing, 243
gripping hands behind the back, 155
head gestures for, 45–51
posture indicating, 118–119
power chop, 153–154
power grip, 152–153
power handshake, 158–159
power seats, choosing, 238–239
projecting, 229
rejection, conveying, 49
standing tall, 114–115, 233–234
superiority, showing, 46
tall versus short people, 209
Power Lift, for presentations, 82
precision grip, 150–151
preening gestures
...
See also business situations
gestures to use, 14
open versus formal environment for, 202
visual aids for, 82
props
...
See also eye contact; eye gestures
constricted, 11, 76, 78, 79
dilated, 11, 76, 78, 214, 226–227

•R•
radio, 26
raised steeple gesture, 154
rapport
developing, 172
eyes building, 77
open palm gesture for, 140–143
synchronising gestures, 28, 228, 282, 287
touch creating, 134–135, 274
reading body language
appearance, 281–282
context considerations, 261–262
drawing conclusions, 73, 259–260

eye movements, 277–278
facial expressions, 278
hand and arm gestures, 279
head movements, 279
importance of, 30
improving through practice, 262
interpreting emotions, 258
men’s difficulty with, 215
non-verbal aspects of speech, 283
personal space and body position, 280
posture, 280
smiles, 259
timing and synchronisation, 282
touching, 281
Ready, Romilla (Neuro-linguistic
Programming For Dummies),
117, 287
Reagan, Nancy (First Lady of the United
States), 278
refined actions, 40
reflecting gestures
...
See courtship

305

306

Body Language For Dummies
Rome, 252
royalty, gestures of, 132
rubbing
the eyes, 267
the nose, 269
palms together, 146
running fingers through hair, 162, 180

•S•
sadness
facial expressions for, 69, 258
loose lips as sign of, 93
shifting out of, 46
safety and security, gestures to assure, 54
salute, hand, 142
Saudi Arabia
...
Ronan’s Well), 202
scratching the head, 162
self-confidence
...
See also hand gestures
bone cruncher, 157–158
double-handed, 134, 135, 159, 160
firm shake, 161
history of, 156
at an interview, 231
the leach, 159
left side advantage, 161–162
power shake, 158–159
reaching out first, 157
space invader, 160–161
upper-hand position, 26
wet fish, 158

shoe
dangling, 181, 224
high heel, 218
short people, 209, 211
shoulder shrug, 120–121
shoulders
giving the cold shoulder, 131, 202
glancing sideways over, 223
turning, 202
shrugging gesture
apologizing with, 123
described, 120–121
signalling lack of knowledge, 121–122
as a universal gesture, 25
unwillingness to get involved, 122–123
Siddons, Henry (Rhetorical Gestures), 59
sideways glance, 84–86
Sign of the Cuckold, 36
signature gestures, 19–21
silence, gesture for, 13
Silent Messages (Mehrabian), 118
sitting
...
See also happiness; laughter; lips
about, 97–98
closed-lip grin, 102
drop-jaw, 100
fake grin, 22
fake (insincere), 67, 68, 268
flirting with, 215
full-blown grin, 102

Index
genuine, 66, 68, 268
lop-sided, 99–100
muscles controlling, 68
reading, 259
tight-lipped, 98–99
turn-away, 101
as universal gesture, 24–25
smoking
cigar smokers, 186–187
as displacement gesture, 23–24
origins of, 186
pipe smokers, 187
sexual appeal of, 184–185
specialty smokers, 186
stress increased with, 188
ways of smoking, 185–186
Social Gaze, 78
social space, 197
Some Like It Hot (film), 217
Sommer, Robert (psychologist), 27, 203
soul, eyes as gateway to, 75
space
...
Ronan’s Well (Scott), 202
standing
...
See also dominance gestures;
power and authority; submissive
gestures
behaviour, cultural differences,
248–249
bowing, kneeling, and curtseying,
210, 248–249
elevating yourself, 211
gestures indicating, 232
hands on hips, 119
lowering yourself, 208–210
personal space and, 198
posture showing, 118–119
seating positions indicating, 206
stance reflecting, 165–166
standing to attention, 249
vocabulary indicating, 232
steeple gesture, 154–155
stiff upper lip, 92, 93–94
Stockholm, 252
Stone, Sharon (actress), 89, 225
Stop! gesture, 13
straddle stance, 166–168, 170
stress
...
See also power and
authority; status
eye contact, avoiding, 83
eye dip, 86

307

308

Body Language For Dummies
head gestures, 55–57
parallel stance, 169–170
personal space and, 200
scissor stance, 18–19, 171
shoulder shrugging, 120–121
sideways glance, 84–86
smiling as, 98
widening the eyes, 89
successful people
...
See also stress
fingernail biting, 164, 180
gestures relieving, 123, 180–181
tight lips indicating, 92, 93–94, 97
The Terminator (film), 81
tête à tête, sitting, 55
Thailand, 133, 254
Thatcher, Margaret (British Prime
Minister), 65
The Wharton School of the University of
Pennsylvania, 82
The Thinker (Rodin), 15, 58
thought
chin-resting gesture for, 164
formulating and expressing, 286
head gestures showing, 58–59
lip movement during, 97

pausing for, 181
planting into listeners, 142
revealing, 15–17
thumbs
...
See also hugging
bonding through, 134–135, 274
defensive behaviours, 129–130
demonstrating dominance, 135–136
fiddling with objects, 24, 132, 162–163,
180, 223
greetings and farewells, 138, 246–248
on the head, 50–51, 254
increasing influence with, 137–138
ownership demonstrated through, 199–200
rapport through, 134–135, 274
reading, 281
self-touching movements, 129–130, 222,
269–270
signs of deception with, 269–270
speech reinforced with, 136–137
superstitious rituals, 134
when, where, and how long, 133–134
women and, 135–136, 217
trained actions, 40
Trump, Donald (business man), 80
trust
...
See America
universal gestures, 24–26
upper-hand position, 26

•V•
vertical positioning, 208–211
vision, blinking’s affect on, 88
visual aids for presentations, 82
visualisation, for improving
confidence, 117
vocabulary, indicating status, 232
voice, well-modulated, 63, 276, 283
V-shaped sign, 36

•W•
walking
character shown through, 29
gender differences, 217–218
styles, 177
waving farewell, 248
The Weakest Link (BBC game show), 80
Western cultures
air kiss, 250
eye contact in, 248, 254
laughter, 252
positioning and setting boundaries, 250
punctuality valued in, 282, 287–288
wet fish hand shake, 158
widening the eyes, 89–90
winking, 40, 86

women
accessories, 189–190
binding the feet, 166
Brazilian, 247
“come hither” look, 78
courtship gestures, 219–225
crossing arms, 128
demonstrating ownership, 199
entwining the legs, 172, 225
filling the space, 218
handshakes of, 157
makeup, wearing, 187–188, 224
making the first move, 214
personal space needs, 231
preening gestures, 215, 219
pupil dilation in, 78
Saudi Arabian, 247
sexual appeal of, 216
short, 209
sitting in crossed ankle position, 175
smoking habits of, 185
straddle stance of, 166
touch considerations, 135–136, 217
walking styles, 217
workplace
...
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German For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5195-6)
Hebrew For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5489-6)

Italian Phrases For Dummies
(978-0-7645-7203-6)
Japanese For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5429-2)
Latin For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5431-5)
Spanish Phrases
For Dummies
(978-0-7645-7204-3)
Spanish Verbs For Dummies
(978-0-471-76872-2)

MUSIC AND FILM
Also available:

978-0-7645-9904-0

978-0-7645-2476-9

978-0-7645-5105-5

Bass Guitar For Dummies
(978-0-7645-2487-5)
Blues For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5080-5)
Classical Music For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5009-6)
Drums For Dummies
(978-0-471-79411-0)
Jazz For Dummies
(978-0-471-76844-9)

Opera For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5010-2)
Rock Guitar For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5356-1)
Screenwriting For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5486-5)
Singing For Dummies
(978-0-7645-2475-2)
Songwriting For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5404-9)

HEALTH, SPORTS & FITNESS
Also available:

978-0-7645-7851-9

978-0-7645-5623-4

978-0-7645-4233-6

Controlling Cholesterol
For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5440-7)
Dieting For Dummies
(978-0-7645-4149-0)
High Blood Pressure
For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5424-7)
Martial Arts For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5358-5)

Pilates For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5397-4)
Power Yoga For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5342-4)
Weight Training
For Dummies
(978-0-471-76845-6)
Yoga For Dummies
(978-0-7645-5117-8)

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